Girlfriend had risky sex with others, but won't do it with me
I just got engaged to my girlfriend of 4 years. We are both in our 40s. We both love each other, and have had a "normal" sexual past history. She has said many times, convincingly, that sex with me is the best she has ever had. Over our time together, I have suggested on a number of occasions that we have sex in a risky place in public. Nearly all of the time, she comes up with a reason why she does not want to do it, such as being too scared to do it, even if it is obvious that we will not get caught (public swimming pool at night, for example).
However, a few days ago, in a slightly tipsy state, she asked me where were the craziest places I ever had sex. I could not come up with anything. However, she told me that she had sex in public in the past with other guys. She named about 5 times she had done it, and I am guessing there are more. At least one of the incidents occurred only a few years before she met me. I am thinking that the only explanation is that she is not as sexually attracted to me as she was with the other guys she has been with. After this sunk in for about a day, I could not sleep, I was nauseous over this, and I was afraid to bring it up with her, since she would then perceive me as being insecure and would not tell me things in the future. I do not want to be the "nice relationship guy" that she is "settling" for, while she has had hotter sex with other guys.
I decided to speak to her about it, as tactfully as I could. I am still feeling inadequate though. She basically said that these "public" places to her were not risky in her mind, since it was at night and there was no one else around, and it was basically like having sex in a closet. She also added that most of these events occurred 20+ years ago, when she had less inhibitions. I did not find out if these were dates or ONS. She says that the sex WE had was more risky to her - such as in a car during daylight hours.
She did have a ONS about 9 years ago (only 5 years before she met me) on the beach at night, but she said there was no one around and she did not see any danger. I asked her what she would do if I suggested that we do something like that, and she said that she would not have a problem with it. However, I feel that she is possibly "forcing" herself to do it, and I do not want that. She said that when I had previously suggested a swimming pool at night, since it was near other houses, she thought it was too risky.
She again reassured me that she is in love with me and loves having sex with me. She stressed that we should concentrate on the future, and not about the past.
I certainly cannot ask her about any more details, since she was crying and was implying that I was calling her past behavior slutty (I wasn't), and I was showing my insecurities. I really tried not to be accusatory. The thing that still bugs me, is: if she thought that there was no danger in doing any of those things in the past, then why do them at all? Doesn't a person do it for the rush? For the possibility that they may get caught? In other words, it seems to me that she is not being totally honest with me when she implies that the public sex meant nothing to her. She named these as the "craziest" places she had sex. That means to me, that she was hotter for these other guys.
Please help! How should I handle this?
