Boyfriend left me (for another woman?) - Need Understanding Advice & Comfort.

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18-11-13, 01:47 PM
2Wheelslover

Boyfriend left me (for another woman?) - Need Understanding Advice & Comfort.

Heya all, hoping for a little comfort and advice that will help me understand the situation a little more, keep me calm and move forward with my life.

My boyfriend broke off our nearly 6 year relationship just over a week ago. He never said he was leaving me for another women in his reasons, but I already kind of knew he would get with this women as they has been speaking ALOT over a skype type program for a few weeks before it all happened.

I've been absolutely devastated by him wanted to leave me as I loved him so so much. We never had many arguments and when we did they would be small tiffs that wouldn't last more than a day. I live about an hour and a half to 2 hours (Depending on which way you go and how fast you drive) away from him and I would go down to see him on average about once every 4 weeks for 9-10 days a time. and he would come up and see me in between that every other week or so.
Any time we aren't together we speak in a skype kind of program (Called Teamspeak) every day.

The story:

We both play and online game (On and off at times) and I'd quit playing it for a month and a half as I was busy with other things. During this time he'd found someone on there and become friendly with them. I had no problem at all. They used a different server on Teamspeak and after coming home from work one night and waiting in our server to talk to him before bed, he came in and said he's talking with this other person and that I should come and talk too. So I was like, Ok sure. I'm always up for finding new friends to play the game with.

She seemed nice, quite abit "Mouthier" than me but we got on ok. Her 16 year old son also played and joined the chat. He was really nice and I got on well with him.

A couple of weeks went by and I was a little fed up that he would be in her TS every day and we never really got any private talk. I mentioned it nicely and he said "yeah we can talk in our server tomorrow just me and you" so all was good. When we did talk, he would only stay a while and then said he wanted to go back to the other server with her. I was fine with that, just wanted a little time by ourselves.

It was the day of my youngest brothers 7th birthday and I was going out for a meal with my family for it. We was both in the other womens server and after my brother got back from school I needed to go and give him his birthday presents. I said be back in a while and set myself to "Away". I picked up my brothers present and I'd wrapped it in plain gold wrapping paper. My other brother and his girlfriend had wrapped their presents to him really nicely with ribbons and bows so I wanted to make mine loo nice too and searched through my drawers for some that I had left over from last year. As I was altering the present, I started hearing my bf and the other women talking about sending pictures to each other. I stuck around for a few minutes and the women said about it being "awkward" and that was I there? My Bf called my name and said "you there?" I didn't answer and they keep on with talking about and sending pictures. After I came back I had about 10 mins before I needed to leave for the meal. I didn't want to be upset so I said nothing about it. I felt miserable through the whole meal but kept it inside.

When I got back I spoke to him about it in our server. I asked him what he'd been up to and he didn't say anything about it so I bought it up and he said they'd been "harmlessly Flirting" with each other and they were "very good friends."

He said to me then that he had not been feeling the same about me any more and that he wasn't sure whether he wanted to be with me. He said he was depressed with his life, sad that all his friends lived so far away, sad that he cant get more hours work and more money and sad that hes still cant afford to move out of his mums house and that he's 30. He said he's been feeling that way about me for a few months now and that his mum noticed that he was not himself. He said he wants to "rediscover himself". He told me he needed a few days to think about it properly but he didn't want to stop talking to the other women because they were friends now. I was very upset about it and couldn't face going back onto the other server with her, but he still did.

After alot of upset, depression and confusion he told me he still felt the same and that he wanted to come and see me to see how he felt with being with me, seeing if he felt he could fight for us or if it was to end, then he could do it properly face to face. I felt much happier and was able to accept it more if it did come to an end because he would do it properly. He told me this on a Sunday, and I assumed he was going to come up on the Wednesday after work or thus morning, like he usually would. I spoke to him on Monday and asked if he was coming on the Weds or Thurs so I know, but then he said he didnt want to come up that week and maybe the week after.

I was going out of my mind with worry, upset, and thoughts and I couldn't bare to wait any longer. I told him he needed to come that week or just tell me now because I couldn't take it and it was affecting my work and home life. In the end he said well I don't want to be with you anymore but I still want to be friends.

Lots of crying and more upset went on. He spoke to me a few days later and told me he felt depressed. I told him I felt the same and that I hadn't told my parents yet but I will tomorrow. After that I heard nothing from him for 1 week.

Today, I got a text from him telling me: "I thought you should know that I've met up with (The other womens name) and that we are now in a realtionship together."

My emotions are running wild with a mix of everything going on. I've had time to settle down over the week and don't feel upset at all about it (I dont think?) but I find myself asking why? and wanting to know more. I feel like I have a lot to say to him yet I feel speechless. I feel sad but not angry and I think I expected it to happen.

I am coming up to 25 in a month and he has just turned 30. The women he is now with is 40 and has a 16 year old son and a slightly younger daughter. From what he told me before, she was also with someone who the son referred to as a kind of 'step-dad'. I have no idea what's going on with them, split up or going behind back etc.. but I do feel for the guy :(

I know age is just a number and 10 years isn't a huge deal. (My mum and stepdad are 9 years apart) but I just don't really understand all about it. Do you think its a fling or long term thing? Right now to me it feels like he threw our relationship away for her, but I know of course, that it will have all the other factors included as well, and if he didn't 'meet' her then if probably would have been someone else down the line.

I Feel soooo sad to lose him and hes been in my thoughts every day but I am also happy to look forward to my future and work on treating myself for once, hopefully doing my motorcycle test in the new year and getting out to meet new people.

Any help, comfort, advice appreciated and if anyone has gone through a similar thing I'd find it great to hear your story and the 'what happened next' parts.

Thanks in advance. <3

2WL

P.S. Sorry for the wall of text.
18-11-13, 02:18 PM
UKRomantic

Well, that's one story!

First of all, you need to stop questioning "Why?!" that's not going to help, you will never know the real answer - It's just one of those things.

Secondly, I personally think this thing with the other woman may well end up as just a fling. Sounds like they've been talking alot, got to know each other well and fallen for each other a little... But they're in a relationship after what, a week after seeing each other? Seems to be a little quick to me.

Thirdly, he will be in your thoughts, you will miss talking to him, that's all natural but it does get easier. The best thing for you now would be to go down the whole no contact rule. Remove him from your Teamspeak, delete his number, maybe facebook too if you have it. Because if you randomly keep talking, it makes it harder for you to properly move on.

I'm no expert, I'm going through some hurt right now too so I'm just speaking from my experience.

Also, random question - What online game? lol
18-11-13, 02:33 PM
2Wheelslover

Heya and thanks for the reply and reading through it all hehe.

I do think you are right with the no contact rule even though I want to talk to him at the same time I don't cause I know I'll feel upset and hurt again. I am going to make no attempts to contact him at all. He doesnt have facebook so thats helpful but the women hes with now does and her son are both on my friends list, should I delete them do you think?

Like you say, It does seem so fast that hes moved on to her, He would have had to go to see her from last Wednesday or Thurs (A week after he had last spoke to me) or just gone up today to meet her because of his work. She literally lives about 20-30 mins away from me so he still has a fair way to travel and will have to go back and forth the same as when we were together for his work. She works from home.

You may have already guessed, but it's WoW. (World of Warcraft). We've both played it for years on and off.
18-11-13, 02:36 PM
UKRomantic

I would probably delete them too, yes. Only because you don't want to see any status updates about them, that will just anger you.

Could have guessed it was WoW, but there are many more out there =P
18-11-13, 02:41 PM
HackerExecute

That's an interesting story. You seem to be handling it quite well now. Allow yourself to hear it from the man's side of the story, as I have been a cold-hearted bastard and have done this twice to 2 different women.

I'm sure it seems like you're going through hell. Especially being a female and having to cope with being put second, feeling low after what happened, and suddenly losing your best friend and boyfriend of 6 years. I left a girl for someone else at age 13-14 and again this year at age 18. I'm not saying I'm proud of it, I'm not saying I'm not. It just happened, it's the past and apologizing for it would be a waste of time because neither of the 2 girls would give a damn. I don't talk to them either way.

For one, DON'T let this attack your self-esteem and self worth. To me it looks like you are a very nice, fun and outgoing woman. And I say this because you mentioned TS several times in accordance to you playing an online video game. I'll have to be blunt with you and say it's not entirely your fault. Of course at the ages of 25-30, you are mature adults and can handle situations like these as such. But if you ask me, you were a bit too trusting if that makes sense. You were too comfortable with letting him talk to another woman more than he talked with you (it seems). You should have asserted it several times and let him know he was stepping over the line. Especially knowing how most men are. Being too comfortable gives him the idea that it's alright. And in return he gets to know more about the other woman and falls for spontaneous change in females.

The first time I did this I wasn't too long in a relationship. It wasn't much of a relationship. What did I know about them at age 14? I was talking to a very distant girl at the time. We talked for months. But at the same time I was talking to another girl who lived here, and I asked her to be my girlfriend right away. Later, I broke up with that girl to get with the distant girl I was talking to for months. I liked her personality better. -- 4 years later I broke up with the distant girl for someone amazing that I met here. The reason I left that 4 year relationship is because...it wasn't smart. Reality struck me then: how would I maintain a job, an education, a place to live at age 18 and move across the country to be with this girl? It was too much. Nearly impossible. And I wasn't too happy. I figured if I would be in a relationship I may as well be happy for once and the new girl really made that happen while it lasted.

Being that your ex boyfriend is age 30, this gets confusing. We could assume he is mature enough to tell you the truth at hand. That he's leaving you for another woman. But instead what he said was he needed to get his head straight. Which I usually think is a load of crap. The translation for that from my experience is, "There are other people distracting me and I'm losing interest in you. We may break up." And most likely it ends with that break up. But he said he felt depressed. Though he wasn't depressed enough to get with that woman soon after. It could be that's a way to cope with losing you...but that wouldn't make much sense, would it? Besides it being, "Crap, I lost my girlfriend, I made her doubt my trust, it'll never be the same again. I have to date another woman, another close friend to get over her."

He could have been telling the truth when he said he was lost and confused (which he definitely still is). But you could also be right about him leaving you for the other woman and simply throwing other excuses in your face to not hurt you too bad. Either way it hurts. *My* conclusion is that he did leave you for the other woman and he was confused about which to pick out of you both. Though after 6 years...puzzles me. Long distance is a pain. Especially when the years grow longer and you both have to try different things to keep each other interested. Which you both may have failed at that. I know I did.

My advice is to not let love blind you. He loved you, but at 6 years he barely tried to meet up with you to settle things. If his love was still at a point where he could easily leave you...that's not much love and there are other men willing to give you more. Don't be blind but be blunt about it. Face it head on, accept what happened no matter how much it hurts. He left you for another woman in the scheme of things. Use a few more weeks to let your pain and sadness go through tears. Don't stay there too long and don't be depressed about it. You're not the only woman who's has this happen to her believe me. Just because he left you doesn't mean you're not as beautiful or as special as the other woman. You were that woman to him at one point in his life and for a long time. Don't let that get to you. Take this as a chance, as an opportunity to have fun and do what you want. Take in the freedom of being single and as you mentioned before, treat yourself to things that you have been wanting to do for a while. Do what you want, have fun, focus on work, family, going out, be carefree. You have a weight lifted off your shoulders. You don't have to worry about looking pretty for him when he comes and visits. Have a day in pajamas and junk food and play that video game for the case that you ever run into him on it, you can kick his ass twice as hard.

Normally I would say to remove all contact with him. But as adults and your level of maturity, that is up to you. It could be bad for you if you're taking it pretty harsh. Or it could be good for you to keep that best friend around a little longer. As long as it's not uncomfortable. Really it's not such a bad thing. It's not the end of the world. Just look at is as an open opportunity once you're ready for it. You'll feel much better once you let that freedom hit you and the thought of being able to do anything else you wanted to do; as well as the exciting suspense of running into that "one" person who can sweep you off your feet for good:]
18-11-13, 06:57 PM
2Wheelslover

Quote:

Originally Posted by HackerExecute [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That's an interesting story. You seem to be handling it quite well now.......

Hi, Thanks HackerExecute for your kind and encouraging words.

When it came to him talking to her alot in Teamspeak I did say to him a few times about it, not at first as things seemed ok, but when it became a constant thing. I would say to him about it and he would say at first "I know I know it's not fair I'm really sorry We'll talk tomorrow on our own" which then after that turned into me noticing when I was in the other womens TS that they both would be very quiet at times but I could here every now and then tapping on his keyboard which was him typing to her whilst they were in a raid together on the game. I asked him about why he was typing and not speaking to her and he gave me answers like "Shes not got the headset on at the mo cause shes back and forwards making dinner" or "I'm just typing to the raid".

Then shortly after I found out about the picture messages and stopped going in that TS, but I'd activated my account back up at the time on the game so was able to type to him and I asked him how long he'd be in the other TS and he would say "Not long, be in our TS soon." so I'd wait and he wouldn't come in for another 1-2 hours :( At this stage there wasn't much I could really say to get him away from that TS. He's already told me by this point about his feelings towards me and pretty much wanted time away to think, though that time away really was spent talking with the other women and probably not even thinking about us at all.
Then when he did come in our TS he'd be ratty with me because I was asking about it. Sometimes he was just in the other TS talking and playing WoW with her son and his mates which I didnt mind cause he was a nice kid. But just not talking to her for hours on end.

I was let down in the past with my previous Ex of a 2 year relationship started going out every night (We lived together) and spending no time with me, not letting me go with him, texting all the time but 'secretively', starting smoking and lying to me about it and eventually staying out all night and I get a phone call from his cousin saying his car was outside this girls house all night. He ended it with me when he got back but never did he admit to cheating. Pretty sure he did but that really knocked my trust. When I got with my now ex-boyfriend, at first I was nervous and scared incase it happened again but over the years he's seemed to prove so trusting so I didn't want to be that girl that just nags and moans all the time where he is and what he's doing, even though I DO want to know and I usually did know without problem. When he's go and visit his old friends and go to the club drinking, I could phone him up and he's be slightly tipsy/drunk but he was always the one to be helping get the other really drunk peeps back home. The sensible one. And that really boosted my trust for him more.

I had a lot of respect for him and always tried to understand how he was feeling. When he got angry or annoyed with things around him, sometimes he would snap and take it out on me. I would tell him not too but never held it against him because I knew he'd come round and be back to normal and nice again. All my family really liked him, especially my youngest brother who had basically grown up around him and always asked when he was coming round next.

Although I already pretty much knew he was going to get with her as a gut feeling before it had even been announced, I still feel like I've lost respect for him, I'm not sure why, maybe because it's so soon and he hasn't really even bothered to see how I'm doing, how my family took the news, if I'm coping ok... especially since he said he wants to still be friends.

Just to add, he also added into the list of reasons for losing feelings for me was that "I was too nice and did too much for him" and the old "It's not you, it's me. You never did anything wrong".

I personally think I am coping pretty well at the moment but I have ups and downs still. Considering that I'm a very sensitive and emotional person, I've already done so much crying in the week of waiting to hear the final verdict and afterwards for some days that I think I have come to terms with the fact of it all. I feel calm most of the time and I can usually keep myself busy which helps alot. I really don't know about the whole friends thing at the moment. I wanted to be friends and he said he wanted to go riding with me when I get my test done and get a bike.. but in this new light of things.. I'm not sure if that will ever happen and that makes me sad, but I will look at it as 'his loss' because I have only ever loved him and wanted to be with him and never hurt him. I'm a nice person and I feel I deserve nice people around me, I'm not sure if he will be one of them in the future.
18-11-13, 08:22 PM
HackerExecute

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2Wheelslover [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I was let down in the past with my previous Ex of a 2 year relationship started going out every night (We lived together) and spending no time with me, not letting me go with him, texting all the time but 'secretively', starting smoking and lying to me about it and eventually staying out all night and I get a phone call from his cousin saying his car was outside this girls house all night. He ended it with me when he got back but never did he admit to cheating. Pretty sure he did but that really knocked my trust. When I got with my now ex-boyfriend, at first I was nervous and scared incase it happened again but over the years he's seemed to prove so trusting so I didn't want to be that girl that just nags and moans all the time where he is and what he's doing, even though I DO want to know and I usually did know without problem. When he's go and visit his old friends and go to the club drinking, I could phone him up and he's be slightly tipsy/drunk but he was always the one to be helping get the other really drunk peeps back home. The sensible one. And that really boosted my trust for him more.

Oh I can definitely understand that. It's not your fault you weren't more cautious than you usually would be. After all you KNEW he would get with the new woman. You simply hoped it wouldn't completely happen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2Wheelslover [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

...he hasn't really even bothered to see how I'm doing, how my family took the news, if I'm coping ok... especially since he said he wants to still be friends.

I wouldn't worry too much about this. It doesn't TOTALLY mean he doesn't care. I went through this with the 4-year-girl. I assumed we would stay friends but it ended up being another girl that I completely erased from my life. Why? Because of the new girlfriend I had. It was instinctive for me not to talk to my ex so my current girlfriend wouldn't have any problems with my past relationships. For her to have no worries. Because I really don't like that kind of stuff so I assume no one else would either. No one does. The other reason was I figured the more I talked with my ex, the more hurt she would be in. I felt I had to be cold to her for her to accept what happened. He may in a few months contact you just to see how you are doing. If not, don't worry about him anymore. Focus on your life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2Wheelslover [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Just to add, he also added into the list of reasons for losing feelings for me was that "I was too nice and did too much for him" and the old "It's not you, it's me. You never did anything wrong".

I never quite understood this. I see it as another load of crap. So what if you were too nice? Anyone who would fight for you would just tell you to tone it down to give yourself a break. I couldn't imagine why it would drive anyone away. And his other reason already becomes invalid because he first blamed you for pushing him away with kindness. Now he says it's not your fault. Confusing. But you already know why this happened so his list doesn't matter.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2Wheelslover [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I personally think I am coping pretty well at the moment but I have ups and downs still. Considering that I'm a very sensitive and emotional person, I've already done so much crying in the week of waiting to hear the final verdict and afterwards for some days that I think I have come to terms with the fact of it all. I feel calm most of the time and I can usually keep myself busy which helps alot. I really don't know about the whole friends thing at the moment. I wanted to be friends and he said he wanted to go riding with me when I get my test done and get a bike.. but in this new light of things.. I'm not sure if that will ever happen and that makes me sad, but I will look at it as 'his loss' because I have only ever loved him and wanted to be with him and never hurt him. I'm a nice person and I feel I deserve nice people around me, I'm not sure if he will be one of them in the future.

I am glad to see that you've been coming around and not letting it affect you too much. Don't be sad. If he doesn't stick around he may not be worth it in most cases. That just gives you an empty slot to find another friend who is willing to cruise around with you on your new bike so it's not a total loss if he isn't in your future :]
18-11-13, 08:46 PM
TablesandChairs

When reading your post, I had this thought that in a year from now, you're going to be surprised that this was a blessing in disguise.

Set goals for yourself and focus on achieving them; meet someone who motivates and inspires you. Someone who achieves things in the real world. As difficult as it is to accept that someone could move on so easily after 6 years...in all likelihood, it probably won't work out between them. There's a big difference between a 40 year old woman with a child and a 30 year old guy with no responsibilities. This may give you a new lease on life, as my breakup did for me.
18-11-13, 10:08 PM
Boisdevie

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2Wheelslover [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

P.S. Sorry for the wall of text.

Yeah, me too. If you could have got to the point in less than a million words I might have read all of that.