Complicated/Confusing possible relationship
I'm new to this forum but I'm seeking some advice. I've never really needed advice like this before but the situation is unique and complicated so I'm also sorry in advance for this being so long.
I'm a guy in my early 30s and over the summer I met a woman was also in her early 30s. We went on a first date and it ended up with a alcohol fueled hook-up which is very out of character for both of us. The next day after we had recovered from our respective hangovers we talked and decided that we wanted to "date" but that we both would be much more comfortable slowing things down. Although neither of us regretted the previous night at all. We started dating at a much slower pace but continued to see each other at least once a week. Normally for dinners/drinks.
Some important background information. The woman in this story has been separated/divorced for about three years. She was married to a high school boyfriend who she's known for 15+ years. They dated on and off during that time before getting married. The marriage ended in disaster but they still communicated with each other and I was aware that over the three year period they had tried to get back together several times, including as late as March of this year. Each of those times it ended in disaster. I'm not being melodramatic here - the try in March is probably one of the most disaster ridden things I've ever heard and it lasted 3 weeks. The ex currently lives several states away (and has for several years). My date was very open about all of this early in the relationship.
We dated for 1 1/2 months until we had a conversation wherein she told me that she had done a lot of soul searching and had decided that she wasn't ready or able to date anyone because of lingering issues with her ex. She told me that in the three years that they had been divorced that she had dated guys knowing full well that the relationship wouldn't last because of the lingering stuff with her ex. I was the first person she had dated that she didn't want to become a "casualty of war" (her words) and that she wanted us to be friends, etc... She also told me that in March of this year her and her ex had decided on a "do over" where they would give themselves a year to get back together or would break off all communication once and for all. Much of that would depend on his ability/desire to get a job and move back locally. Keep in mind that this conversation takes place in late- September/early October and nothing has happened on that front so far (even as of November). I evidently compilcated things a bit because she didn't expect to meet or date anyone. Hence the soul searching, I guess...
I don't normally do the "friendzone" thing because in prior situations where it was an option the women involved just weren't worth it. However, this one is an incredibly cool girl and I had fun with her, even outside of "dating" so I decided to give it a shot. Things would have been fine except that after this talk we ended up spending even more time together (at least 1-2 times a week) and most of the time spent together was spent doing stuff that couples do - weekend outings to wineries, etc... not just dinner/drinks. She also started texting me more and our conversations became less superficial.
Flash forward to two weeks ago at Halloween. She was going out bar hopping Halloween night with some friends and invited me along. I told her that I'd drive us because I like being in control of driving when drinking is involved. At one point in the evening she separates herself from the group to talk to a female friend of hers, comes back, and immediately hugs me and starts telling me that "I'm amazing." She keeps her arm around me, feels up my butt, and continues to be flirty. Keep in mind that prior to this event she had never really been flirty at least since we "broke up." The night of drinking ends and while driving back to her place she's holding my hand the whole way and keeps asking me why I'm so nice to her. Not wanting to discuss it at that moment I sort of brush off
the question by just saying "you deserve it." When we get back to her place it's late and I ask her if I can crash on her couch. She says "come to bed and cuddle with me." I do, although nothing happens besides a bit of spooning and maybe one or two kisses. The next day we wake up and I ended up spending most of the day with her while she nurses a hangover.
Since that incident things have been different. The frequency in which she texts me has gone up yet again. At this point she texts me the minute she leaves work everyday and we essentially have a running conversation until one of us goes to bed. We've also spent a lot more time together. While she has a lot of other friends she mainly socializes with me, often turning down invites to do stuff with them. We've seen each other 7 out of the last 14 days, including a couple of nights during the week (hanging out, watching TV). Last weekend we spent Saturday/Sunday together and she invited me to stay over again (same as before, just spooning/cuddling nothing more "intimate"). Her excuse was that since we were doing something both days it was stupid of me to go home (I live 45 minutes away). Although we've been in that situation previously and I was never invited to stay, even when we were "dating." This weekend she was sick but she still wanted to spend all of Saturday with me. I didn't stay over but I honestly believe it was because she was sick. Had she been feeling better I suspect I would have been invited to stay over. We also already have stuff planned for future weekends...
I should also mention that I know she is still talking to her ex. She will mention it to me but only when complaining about him and she ALWAYS refers to him using a deragatory nickname. It's odd because I know that deep down she's still hoping that he gets his shit together and things work out between them. However, I also think that she's smart enough to know that it's most likely not going to work out, if only because it's ended so badly every other time they have tried. She's also made it clear that as long as he is living a couple of states away he has no real say in what she does or how she spends her time.
Needless to say, things are complicated and I've developed feelings for her beyond friendship. I think she may feel the same way about me but it's hard to tell and any feelings she has are overshadowed by her ex. At this point we're a huge part of each other's lives and it's hard to imagine that she could act the way she does without having some sort of feelings for me. Besides that, our relationship began with attraction and I think that if her ex weren't in the picture we'd probably be in a relationship right now.
What does everyone think? What do you think could be going through her head? Do you think she actually has feelings for me? I realize that it's hard to say from just reading a forum posting but I'm interested in some female perspective here and interested in hearing from people who have been in similar situations.
What should I do? The reason we stopped dating was because she wanted to keep me from getting hurt but the damage is already done. Part of me wants to sit her down and tell her this and tell her that if she has feelings for me we should act on them, even if everything ends because of her ex. If her ex does get his shit together and moves here any friendship/relationship would be affected anyway. If he doesn't there's a possibility that our relationship (should there be one) would survive, etc... Another part of me just wants to keep my mouth shut and see what happens but every time I spend time with her this gets harder and harder to do. I'm afraid that if I do say something it will ruin whatever we do have, even if that is only a friendship on her part.
Finally, I guess I should mention that I suspect a lot of people will read this and their initial response will be "RUN." That's just not an option at this point, even if it's the best solution.
