My sad A S S got dumped. What am i feeling? I don't know. anger? sadness? happiness?

Well my sadass got dumped 2 days ago. (yes very fresh)

Things were going great! well I thought atleast. We officially were only dating for 1 month.. (again i know really not long) however we were seeing each other for a few months before. He fell for me hard, as did I. Was actually kinda scary how quickly we fell for each other. I love him, and i believe he loves me too.. I'm not the corny, don't believe in love at first sight or falling for people all the time kinda chick. I'm always in long relationships (last one before him was 2 and half years. i lived with the guy the whole time!!) Anywho Before me and my most recent started going out, i did turn him down. When he asked first i said i needed to think about. About a week later i asked him if the chance was still there he said of course. :)

Things were good, there wasn't one night we didn't spend together. Then boom 2 nights ago he dumped me. He say's he can't handle a relationship right now, not with me, not with anyone. I was shocked. Of course i begged, i cried i did all the cliche shit.. but he was stern, decision was made. Anyway that night i stayed at his anyways.. (it was 2am) that morning he as we were in bed, he cuddled me, kissed me, cried in my arms and explaining to me how hard this is for him to do this.. he just has to for his own head. He starting crying harder as he was saying " the shit thing is your going to find someone else, and that kills me.. i wish i could be the one to give you the relationship you need"
I kinda thought at that moment. I DON'T NEED A FKING RELATIONSHIP, I WANT ONE WITH YOU of course i didn't say that. I already made a fool of myself that last night trying to beg for him back. But why should he cry at the thought of me getting with someone else. That's the last thing on my mind right now, even if i did, he's leaving ME. I feel I can't trust anymore. Trust = Hurt.. (well in some cases)

Yesterday all day i was determined to get him back. He is quite attractive, wicked muscular body, awesome tats, head's alright lol, but over all just awesome.. what was getitng me down is I kept thinking I'm never going to find someone as attractive.. HOW BLOODY SHALLOW OF ME, thats when i really got down. But at the back of mind i know its true my earlier thoughts.. I was reading into all these things that might help just help me win him back also..

Today i felt the same until about an 3 hours ago, i sat back and thought. Why the uck am i being a depressed little itch. I thought of all the negatives about him, i know it sounds bad but just wait..

- He has serious paranoia and jealously issues. His last relationship was full of fights over his jealousy aswell. They broke up for a few months, in the that time she started seeing someone else, but the eventually got back together. One day he rocked up to work to surprise her, only to find her working with guy she used to see. when they were broken up. (SHOCKING I KNOW RIGHT. lol nahhht) but he lost his shit abusing her, abusing him jsut because she was working with this guy who she no longer cared for. He ended up getting kicked out by security because of his behavior. I only know this because my best friend is friends with this girl.. but she also explained to my friend that after the final break up, she had a good time, but felt she wasted 2 years of her life because of him. The finals reason they broke up is because he saw her in a photo with this guy, and broke it off. Ridiculous right? Clearly he can't handle his own jealously.
As for me he thought that every male friend of mine wanted to get with me, if i went out with girls he would always say don't mess around. Yet he says he trusts me?
well it got so bad i wasn't allowed to say hi to a male friend at the pub because this guy USED to have a thing for me which i didn't precipitate nor did i return the feelings .. He would put me in situations where he wouldn't be 'controlling' me but go along the lines of this "you make the decision.. but if you make the wrong one your ucked" i did not see it at the time as a flaw. By him giving me a choice, it seemed to him he wasn't controlling, however he was using the 'break up' threat as a way of me making the 'right' choice over stupid situations. Again did not see it cause i was so under his spell..
-He's not going really anywhere with life atm, nor the foreseeable future, but I can't really go into detail to much but just trust me on this. That's not attractive

I could go on for a longer about his huge flaws (which every person has flaws) that but it's killing me to write this. As much as those things are true, as much as it makes me feel better about the situation. Its's not healthy. Cause at the end of the day i'm still obsessing over him. I love the wanker for some unknown reason.
Out of respect for him. I will leave him alone, just as i have. He clearly can't be in a relationship right now because of his issues. He told me that there wasn't a problem with the relationship, but with him. maybe one day he will realise that i was actually perfect for him.. I am NOT the liability, if anything I could be the one to fix him.. as he said. Its a shame he can't realise that now. Cause i'm here now. Not later.

These grieving stages are ****ed. I'm not sure what i'm really expecting from me posting this. Its just helps to type it. and read it back again. and again.

I want him back. That is all.
Thank you for reading.