Almost five years ended. 6 month nc then he emails before xmas. In turmoil

Hey everyone. I was hoping to share my experience here and see if anyone had any advice etc. H**l, just to share this to see if anyone else has felt the same. So here we go.

I had been with my boyfriend for what would have been five years in November. He was my first everything. The first guy I let so far into my life and we were great together. We had a few problems but always worked through them. Last October after my friends wedding I asked him what he saw for us in the future. He then confessed he hadn't been happy for some time. We broke up for a while. I was miserable and wanted a face to face talk. That night we gave it another go. We had missed each other so much and he thought he had lost me. I made him promise that if he started feeling that way again he had to tell me and he agreed.

Everything seemed great. We talked all the time and pushed each other in what we loved. Recently he came over to hang out and seemed ok. Mid conversation he blurted out that he wasn't happy again and didn't love me like he should do. He did it again. After that time there were arguments and emails back and forth. First he didn't know why and he felt like he couldn't appreciate me. Then when I pointed out that I found out the first time was because his friend got married and he got nervous and the second time was after another wedding. He sent an email saying how we couldn't talk like his friends (we did) I never pushed him to be passionate about what he loves (I was the only one that did, from saying "don't worry about our date this weekend, you get to the workshop hon" or buying him books on guitar building etc)That I made him feel old (I tried everything to get him to have fun, even simple things like taking him to movies and dinners etc) That I didn't notice he wasn't feeling right (hard when they show no sign at all) and a real stinger for me was when he said we could pass the time with food or sex. That hurt. He was my first and sex was in no way "a way to pass time to me". To think about this and all the times he said he loved me etc it now seems cheap and useless. The very night before he dumped me he told me how he missed me and loved me. Then he let me go.

I know it sounds big headed but I figure A girl that loves you regardless of the fact you worry about being short and balding, that gives up so much so you can pursu your dream, that draws comics fir you just to make you laugh, that loves your family and friends who also lovebher back, likes seeing you play videogames and cuddling on the couch with dinner and a movie and dressing up for a night out was a good thing.

It has been a few months now but it still really hurts. This was my first love. My best friend. The guy I thought would always be there for me and vice versa. But no.

He left in July. There was no contact. I deleted all ways of contacting him and went to uni.

He recently emailed. He was wondering how I was. I cleared my chest and told him what he did was beyond ****. That he was wrong and that I was all that and more.

He apologised. That he was ashamed of what he had written and he was wrong. That he had been bottling things up until it was too late. That he was so down he wound up taking out a loan and moving to the other side of the world for a few months. He says he wants to be friends but will totally b**t out if it's too hurtful.
He speaks about trying to be a better man but what gets me is that he couldn't do it for me. That some other woman will get what I had deserved. I admitted the idea of seeing him move on to someone else that I know will never be as good as me yet will get the "new and improved him" is a kick in the heart.
That I was simply the catalyst to guilt him into being a good guy. He said as he was blocked from my fb he googled me and regularly checks my pinterest again pointing out it was simply to find out if I was ok. He said in another email he wasn't writing to try crawl back and that he cared about me and respected me and whatever decision I made.

I wrote to him saying that the majority of his messages centred round apologising to me as a way to make him feel better and that I cannot fully accept his apology. He destroyed my trust. I was in love and would do anything for him without asking. It's just who I am. Whether going out, sitting on the couch with pizza and a movie or encouraging him to hang with his friends, go to his workshop or relax and play games. And he threw it away for a reason I still don't fully know or understand. I don't know what to do so I asked him to leave me alone for a while. Try again in the new year,

Anyway, I expected a fight and he just apologised again. He admitted he still sounded like a selfish d**k and that there was no pressure or time frame. That his hand would be outstretched if I wanted to take it. That the ball was in my court or hands or something.

I am just so confused. It almost felt like talking to the guy I used to spend every day with. My friend believes he is being manipulative and doesn't understand why I would consider letting him back into my life. I feel so naive and don't know what to do. This was a guy I didn't go a day without hearing from him for almost five years. My other half and best friend.

Is he just saying he's not crawling back? And I will admit, when I got the apology email, I had what if's running through my head. Not something a strong person would do. So many issues to deal with... If only life were simple eh?

I decided before he even contacted that I would not be the one contacting him. I have no means to as I deleted them all and after this contact I shall continue again. I'm tired of being the one fighting so hard. He was a good guy. It's hard to imagine him being purposefully manipulative as some people have suggested. Just an insecure coward. Here I always thought he was the strong one. I told him that it felt like he was just apologising hoping I would forgive and make him feel better. I'm not going to be his next buddy ex. Watching him be the "better guy" to someone else. That's not fair. I know it sounds big headed but I did feel like I was the best girlfriend. We used to chat about me moving in, kids, our little cottage with his workshop and my studio. Then he shits himself and does this? Most people have the same answer which I know is the best. But it's finding the self respect and strength to let go. To fully accept I won't get my other half back. That he would never admit if he did truly love me still and actually do anything about it. Life isn't like the films and tv shows.

But anyway. Thanks for listening. Any advice etc. would be greatly appreciated

I am probably not the best person to give advise, but I can sure relate to your situation.

I am surmising you are dealing with an emotionally incompetent and unstable person as I am. They seem incapable of handling basic life issues, and talking and working through them. My ex walked out the first time about a year ago for 5 months. We got back together only for her to recently do it again. I knew deep down she would. It leaves you questioning and and insecure about the relationship. If you take him back, you will always feel that way. You will never be able to trust him, or feel confident in the relationship. Its a horrible feeling.

I do know the pain of the loss. My ex was my world, we were everything to each other. I feel so alone and lost without her. I do know she is a unhealthy and not good person, but it still hurts.

You are correct in your analysis - he is only trying to get your forgiveness so that he can feel better. You should continue with the no contact. Block his email and number, so that he cannot reach you again. If he somehow contacts you anyway somehow, don't reply. He is in the past.

That appears to be the case. He's admitted he has been selfish and he felt he didn't appreciate me. That he took advantage and boxed his feelings away instead of dealing with them and telling me like I asked. All I wanted was him to be honest instead of feeling now like for months we were together and I was the idiot thinking we were stronger than ever. People tell you to man up and move on. I just can't so easily. A part of me stupidly wishes he would realise just how much he's given up and that he still loves me. That he would make some effort and fight. But he won't. As good a man as he was, I always made more effort. I loved the life I had with him but it would have been nice for him to make more effort. But a friend said I should have more self respect.
It sucks. I'm sorry you have had to deal with the same :( hopefully 2014 will be less shitty

Yeah. It's just finding the strength to do so.
I'm ashamed to say that I was having a truly weak moment last night. I read through the emails between us again. I hate that I am still crying over this. I think even after all he's done, I still love him. That's why it hurts so much. And that although he keeps saying he cares for and respects me and he's so sorry and doesn't think all the things he wrote in the bad email anymore etc. I'm so confused. I can't take this. I said to myself I would not contact him again. I'm so tired of fighting for what is important to me. Just once I want to be fought for. I want someone to hold me so tight the broken pieces go back together. I miss him so ****ing much. But it hurts more that I know he won't make that effort for me. Or that even knowing I was the best thing in his life, he doesn't even truly realise or feel anything other than guilt and pity.

The sooner you accept the fact that he wasn't actually the love of your life (otherwise you would still be together), the sooner you'll be able to move on. You two weren't "meant to be". He isn't in love with you and clearly he doesn't think that you were the best thing that ever happened to him (otherwise you would still be together). I know it hurts, but you need to accept it. Only then you will be able to move on.

I can relate...really sucks. I hate her but love her and loved what we had.