Girlfriend is confused, what do I do?
Hey everyone, I'm new here. I decided to I needed a little extra input on my current situation with my girlfriend. My family and friends have all been supportive of what's going on, but I feel I need an outsider's unbiased opinion. This may be a really long read, but I'd appreciate any real effort put forth by giving some advice, so thanks in advance
So, my girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. We've both always felt that our relationship was strong. We rarely fought, only little minor arguments, but everyone has those. There has always been love there, we have so much fun together, we laugh, and we're super open around one another. Honesty and trust have never been an issue either. The chemistry has always been there too. We've both met each others' families (which is a huge deal in our culture. I've never brought a girl home to meet my family and she's never brought a guy home to meet hers) and my family loves her and she loves my family and vice versa. Now, on to the issue.
I'm out of university now, and she had recently just finished her exams. I decided that since she had been working so hard studying that I would treat her to a nice evening because she deserved it. I made her dinner, bought her favourite dessert for her, got her a present that she had been talking about forever (we've never exchanged gifts on Christmas in our relationship) and a few other little things that she loves. Needless to say, we had an amazing evening. But, there's always a but, a few days before Christmas she said we needed to see each other. So we met up. We hugged and she just began crying. I tried to console her, I asked what the matter was and she said she didn't know. We talked for a little while and she eventually said that she loves be, but isn't in love with me. That confused the crap out of me. We both got really emotional and I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried. We kept talking, trying to figure out what made her feel this way and she couldn't tell me anything specific. She said that she didn't deserve me. She felt that I do too much for her and she does so little for me. I never once asked her to be super romantic for me and I told her that she had never made me question her love for me once. I said that I didn't need big gestures to show that you care about me. She seemed very confused. So we both went to our houses and we exchanged a few texts over the next few days.
I messaged her the day after saying how much she meant to me and that I picture myself spending the rest of my life with her (we had previously talked about marriage, it was something we both wanted eventually). She replied back saying that I meant the world to her and that she really wants to love me, but the feelings aren't there and that she wants to end up with me as well. We kept texting each other, nothing major like we usually do, just a lot of confusion. I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue speaking with her or just completely cut her off, so one day I'd try and talk to her, the next I'd say I can't act like everything is okay. So I stopped messaging her. She messaged me saying that she wanted to meet up and talk again about 2 weeks after the initial incident. Over that two week period, we probably didn't talk for 4 days.
When we met up, she said that she felt that she needed to know how to be happy on her own before she could be happy in a relationship. She said that she didn't want to depend on me to be happy. Admittedly, when we first met she was a pretty negative person. I'd like to think that I helped change that because the longer our relationship went on the more accepting of her self she became. She was a lot more comfortable being herself. I've been there for her through some pretty rough times and she's always said that she never would have gotten through them if I wasn't there to support her.
I asked her if she wanted to break up. She wouldn't give me a definitive answer. I then said that if you're not in love with me, why does it seem like this is such a hard thing to do for you? Over the three years we've been together, I've saved every little thing that she's gotten me, every birthday present, all the cards, little notes that she's written for me. I brought everything that I have that reminds me of her with me when we met. I told her to go throw it all in a dumpster if you truly want to end this relationship. She couldn't. She told me to and I said no because that stuff means too much to me. I asked her why she couldn't throw it away and she said I don't know.
I was just trying to find answers. I asked her if she loved me like a brother, she exclaimed "oh god no, don't ever say that again." Then I asked if she didn't find me physically attractive anymore. She said that even after three years, she still has trouble maintaining eye contact with me because "you're so hot." So I was confused. She said she loves me, but isn't in love with me, but she still finds me physically attractive. I asked her again that if she still pictured herself getting married to me like she previously said, and she said yes. She said that no other guy could ever compare to me and that she would never truly be happy in another relationship because I've treated her so well. I tried to play out a scenario for her where I told her to imagine that she lived to be 100 years old. At that point, I'd have only been 3% of her entire life. I asked her if she would still remember me at that point if she would know my name or how I looked. She seemed shocked that I'd even ask that. She said she could never get over me and that she'd never forget me either. She said that she had been trying to resist texting me since the day we last saw each other. I told her that if she wanted to message me that she should. So eventually, we kind of stopped talking and just sat there, thinking. We decided that we weren't going to break up but she still wanted to be by herself for a little while and that we'd meet again in a few weeks. I agreed and asked for a hug, we hugged. I kissed her on her cheek and she smiled at me and kissed me back.
Personally, I think she's super confused. I think she needs some time away from me to realize how much our relationship means to her. I've never been an overbearing boyfriend. I give her plenty of space. We see each other once, maybe twice a week because we live about 40 minutes away from each other. I texted her the day after saying that I don't think we should text each other until we meet up again and she agreed. It hurts so much not be able to message her and just to hear her voice. She's honestly the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'd hate to lose her because she may be confused about her feelings. I really do believe that everything will work out between us, but there's always the question of what if. Neither of us have ever been in a relationship this long (me 1 year, her under a year). So we're both in uncharted waters right now looked for answers.
I don't really know what I'm even asking. I just want to see if anyone has been through this before and can offer any advice coming from experience.
I know that was a long read, so I thank you for taking the time to read it, I really appreciate it.
Girlfriend is confused, what do I do?
Personally to me, it sounds like she is trying to break up with you in the least hurtful way she can. She respects you enough to do it nicely, but it's not going to change the fact that she doesn't want to be with you.
Your questions of marriage right now are probably scaring her off even more. Sounds to me like she just wants to be free and single.
Cut off from contact. Don't speak to her anymore and if she does contact you then just be polite and short. Maybe she will realize that she does in fact love you and want to be with you, or maybe she will be happy that you left her alone.
You sound like a wonderful man and you want to end up with someone who doesn't take that for granted...
All the best to you :)
Girlfriend is confused, what do I do?
I had a boyfriend once who was SO nice to me. I was with him because I felt I deserved someone like him, we got along great and he was everything I wanted in a man.
I just didn't feel the love, I wanted to feel passion and I just couldn't. I was also sad because I truly didn't want to hurt him.. I cared for him as a person and it was hard for me to break up with him.
I tried to pursue the breakup slowly. I told him I needed space, I told him I was confused. When he asked me if I wanted to be with him I would avoid the question. To me, saying I didn't want to be with him was hurtful and I didn't want it to be like that. Eventually I just had to say it and he was very hurt.. It made me sad, even though I knew I didn't want to be with him anymore..
Just a thought. If she is pulling away from you she doesn't want to be with you. A girl in love, doesn't usually pull away like that. Sorry
Girlfriend is confused, what do I do?
Quote:
Stringing them along, giving them hope, while they know something wrong is more hurtful than just giving it to them straight.
It is. It's really cowardly to string someone along just because you don't have the balls to tell it to them straight.
I realized this after I did finally end it for good, I could have saved a lot of pain and time by just doing it the right way!
