I still love my ex that hates me

This is quite long but i messed up big time. Ill keep it as short as i can but its a right mess. This is a gay relationship btw. I met a guy, we dated i fell in love really badly as in i have found the love of my life. Everything was good. Then it went sour, he wasnt ready to commit full time, used to be a player, hes a few years younger than me. Still wants to party which i didnt mind doing, i liked a drink just as much as he did. Then he just moved on to the next one and dropped me like a ton of bricks. He really was an arsehole about my feelings and basically just used me - i do think he was playing me.
So we broke up he moved on with another guy who i kind of knew, so i annomynously wrote to him and told him what an arsehole he was and a cheater and all the bad stuff he had done to me. Revenge felt good at the time as stupid as it was, but this guy kept writing back wanting to know more and so i told him all i knew, then he went to the police about me and said i was harrasing him with emails, so i didnt contact him anymore and told him i was only responding bacause he was as i didnt want to get into trouble. Then because of what i said the guy chucked him and i felt good as it turns out the other guy was just using my ex to make his ex jealous which he openly admitted and the part of angry and revenge in me ended up making me feel sorry for my ex. It was like you used me and now you have been used.


This is where it gets complicated, i moved on and found someone else, then out of the blue my ex writes and says that its all gone wrong he made a mistake and he should never have left me. Stupid me starts talking to him again, even though it hurt me so much as i was nearly over him and all the hurt but i couldnt help myself and we met up. I ended it with the guy i was with to see him again.
We met and i told him i think he was using me, he said he wasnt it was just people interfering and thats why we didnt work. hmm. He said he wants to settle down, wants a loving relationship and wants what his friends have, etc. so i thought oh hes realised and grown up now. and i must admit the change in him was amzazing. it was like he was becomming an adult. So we grew closer again had a few good months then disaster struck. we got back from an amazing holiday and what i did before catches up with me. police come knocking.

So down the station, being told off for emailing this guy from months before, told never to do it again and if i wanted to say something to him i should have just gone up and said can i have a word? well, looking back i should have but i wanted revenge. I didnt realise id end up falling for him again. I thought he was out of my life for good and that was the end of it.

Its really crap as everything between us was a million times better, we were getting on amazing, and i really did think we had a future. Now he just thinks im a weirdo freak, never asked for any explaination, didnt reply to one text i wrote and blocked me on whatsapp. He wrote a status saying do you really know anyone.

I really think i actually hurt him in the end. Looking back if i was to sum up our relationship i would say he thought highly of me, he knows im the settling down type, he knows im a good guy and i know he was trying to be more like me. I got a good job, got a house, a car, got something about me wheras alot of gay guys have nothing except the scene.

This was months ago, i ended up realising just how much i love this person and how great it could actually be. but a silly mistake i made has ruined that. I mean who does what i did. i wasnt sane at the time, i was in a bad place, and i did it out of hurt and yes ill admit envy i guess, but i also didnt want that guy to go through the same. But then it turned out he was just using him anyway. which is pathetic.

Now hes unblocked me on whatsapp and facebook over a month ago, although we havent said a word to each other since. I kept his number just in case he did write but he never has so ive deleted it last week. i just wouldnt write to him or contact him now after whats happened.
I think he just wanted to keep me at arms length until a time he thought he was ready to settle down. I think he was really disapointed in me but i also know he just wanted to play about with others. We did really connect on another level the last time. I realised ive fallen in love again and this time i just dont seem to be able to let go. I kind of want back what we had the second time around but he now hates me for being a bit weird.

I dont know if there is anything i can do, i thought times a healer and im trying to put it down to what will be will be. If he does want to try to make amends and forgive me he will be in touch with me. I know its a dead cause now, but its so horrible and what im struggling to deal with is the fact that it was me this time that messed it up because he treated me so badly the first time we were together.