where to go and what to do, my world changed today

Firstly I have decided I am going to write from the heart, something I find very hard almost impossible. (before you read to mush more I would like to say I am dyslexic normally I would proof read and proof read anything other read, but I know if i do I would never get my feelings out so sorry to anyone who gets pissed off with spelling mistakes it is not that I am lazy)

Last year this time we broke up after 12 years, mostly unhappy years I could never make her happy did not matter what i did nothing worked for more then a week or two and we stayed together for our children. then this time last she left the home, since then we have always remained friends cold and hot not unlike when we lived together, in fact not much changed to those on the outside looking at us, we where a couple so happy with each other one moment and then we would run cold.

If I ever asked her what she would like to do she said "whatever" that very would, I always took this as a NO i don't want you to come to the doctors with me, no i don't really want you to come to school open day with me, no i don't really want you do take me out for dinner, no i don't really want ANYTHING from you will you just **** of.

but on the other side of the coin whenever we did do anything together or as a family it was wonderful, life could not have been better.

In fact the only time we got on for more then a few weeks was when we had booked a huge vacation months in advance and I knew that she at least wanted to be with me for the next 4 months.

it was horrible, periods of depression, my business failed because of my depression, I thought the women I loved hated me. self-loathing, ever time I argued with her when she said whatever.

it would go like this.

end of a wonderful day out, this would happen.

me: I really enjoyed today you?
her: yes
me: we should do it more often
her: yes
me: do you want to go out for dinner together tomorrow
her: whatever

rest of the journey I would not talk again.

in the early days,

me: what would you like for dinner?
her: whatever
me: (knowing she likes this dish) would you like meatballs and sauce?
her: whatever
me: just say yes or no
her: whatever
me: (now would think she not like this, and i was useless as I could not ever get dinner right) for f sake just tell me what you would like.
her: whatever.

then we would make no dinner fight as a family and end up having junk food, which made me depressed and bitter as I do not like junk food apart from a rare treat (KFC etc BTW)

i could go on and on with this.

In the end she hated me, and I hated me.

when she left i wanted her home (and never wanted her to leave) but i knew of nothing that I could do that would make her love me and make her happy and I have always known we could never get back together.

So shit is shit, and this is how the the story should end.

but my daughter (eldest who lives on her own and has a 2 year old baby boy) was upset last night and I saw it on Facebook, so i phoned her, and we talked talked, I told her I loved her and how proud i was of her, and that so was her mum, but she finds it hard expressing her feelings etc but telling her that her mum is wonderful (which she is BTW) and the most caring person in the world. in the end I ficgned out that worries was that she had no money for her or baby.

So I phoned my ex last night at midnight to tell her about our kid and that she feeling down but she will be OK.

Know you remember what I said above I never stopped loving her (wife). This is always in my mind.

But unlike any other talk we have ever had, my wife opened up. And told me that the kids are everything to her, which I said I know.

Then she said, (which she had told me before) that her mum and dad never told her that they loved her.

Unlike in the past instead of me saying “that is so sad, it must have horrible.” I said “what never?” (I was not trying to me caring, and this was a little bit sarcastic but not nasty), and she said “no never once in my life and now they are dead”
We talked for 3 hours, and she (with the help from me) for the first time told me all about her childhood. And to be frank, it was horrible, there really was no love, in fact to the point that she lived her own life as a child. She explained that they never once went to school, they in fact did nothing with her and she felt unwanted and unloved her whole childhood. FULL STOP and was often told she was a mistake that they had to live with and her whole childhood she had no one but herself and she feels that she is normal.

I felt so sad, and I wished I could have done anything, I think I said “I always loved you from the first kiss” but then it came, (and yes know I can see all the hints all the signs).
She said, when I say whatever it because when I was a child I never got anything, and I leant to stop asking. There was no point in Christmas lists, or birthday wishes and I cannot bring myself to ask for anything, and every time you asked me to do anything I wanted to say “YES” but I couldn’t so when you asked me for family days out and said “whatever” and then we would fight I could not say yes, so I took the children on my own as I would never want them to miss out on anything, and we just moved apart and at no time could I say anything.

So now. What, if I had understood this our life would have been wonderful.

Tonight I went round and told her that I never stopped loving her and if it takes 2 weeks or 20 years, that she should take a chance on me, which she said until you fall out with me, and I said but I never need to fall out with you again, because I understand now for the first time, and then I told her not to say anything and left.

So as you can imagine I don’t know what to do, I love her and I love her, but there is no way I want to make her unhappy again. WHF

I never knew her mother she had died when we meet, and I meet her dad once when I invited him to my home before we lived together for a family dinner, and he spoke to me like a "piece of shit on this shoe", when he was leaving I asked never to return to my house, then he died not long after, I always thought she didn’t talk about her childhood because it upset her mum was gone and she missed her so much, I have such a loving mum (in her own battle axe way), it never once crossed my mind that all mums are anything other than loving (with flaws). And I know it takes 2 people and me just knowing all this may seem odd to some, , but I would never have took offence at the word "whatever" in fact I would have just made dinner, took her dancing, gone to ever school everything (I would have taken ever sports day off from work etc) as it was I felt that she was there for the both of us to show both our loves and that I was at work earning money for we had money.

I know she needs to be seeing a professional, when she told me last night she said it all like it was normal to bottle everything up, in fact she told me it was NORMAL I could not be more opposite I confide in my family all the time. I just don't want to share with my family on this subject as it all too personal, my family love her but they all say it like pulling teeth.
Please don’t misunstand, I am not perfect by any means, but I felt so rejected by the word “whatever”, it made me feel unwanted and unloved so in return I stopped showing my love and my passion and desire.
Now I know, what next,

She had a fling my one side says, my other side says she will fall in love.
I hurt her so much as she also felt unwanted and unloved will/can she ever trust me, can she fall in love with me, BTH I just feel like moving 1000 miles away and starting afresh.