I need advice... I need help...
hi... i appreciate your support here. I have just registered on this site. My life always was and is a burden. My father is in prison, my mother and sister only left and i have been taking care of them and i will. I have had many relationships with girls before, actually i havent loved a girl. I finished the university and went to the army (in my country every men have to go). After army I entered masters degree and now study. Since i felt the responsibility of my family on my shoulders i refrained myself from loving anybody. I created a barrier. But one day a girl wanted to sit down besides me actually i liked her and didnt show that much. We talked and i started to smile again after years. I wanted to get to know this girl very well. Every time when i went this class there was an empty seat besides her (she purposely did) and sat near her and talked , almost forgot the class. I managed to gather my courage but always other girls who like me interfered and befriended this girl. But i did it and said that I like her and want to know more. She was upset somehow and almost like tears would fall down onto her cheeks and i asked why she was like that. she couldnt answer that. And i asked whether there was something wrong with me and she said no. We talked on whatssap and she let me talk with her a lot. Every night till dawn. Then I didnt know why but i said to her that i didnt want to be her friend and said I would be the one or no one in time. I thought she wouldnt talk to me. But the next day good morning she said. And began to get to know each other. Three days later I asked "lets be honest and sincere, I dont want to hear from somebody about you because they will either exaggerate or do otherwise and that wont be truth, i want to hear from you". She answered crying " who wants to love a girl taking medicine every time and get three time injection in a day because of illness". İ said that doesnt scare me i want you, i accept you. As she was in a very bad mood i changed the subject and started to make her smile with jokes. Then this girl told me her every secrets even her closest girl friends dont know: about her complexes, fears , almost everything. I was the one she wanted to tell everything first, to share her joy and pain and she knew all my problems too. Then I asked to go to conversation classes as english is not our native language. She first didnt want then accepted. When we were in the conversation club, most girls wanted to talk with and i saw that makes my love very bad. I refrained and didnt answer them. She said that she doesnt want to smile, laugh usually but with me it is different. When i was in a bad mood she is in bad too. I felt everything bad happened to her everytime and asked her what was happened and she told me everything. One day we were late to the conversation club and there was other people already taken in instead of us. Then we walked out of the building. She said she wanted to go to library, i said lets go together then i would go my way and you into the library she said okey. We walked together then there it was library. But i changed our way and she protested then she realised and we have a long long walk along the seaside. talked and sit down on the bench and talked everything. After that there was a guy calling her. I said who he is, she said a friend. I said open it answer it. She didnt want first but i dont know what she thought and then answered. And i heard everything he wanted her to go activity with his group but she refused and then he asked why she is not answering her messages and whatsapp conversations. She didnt say a thing and closed the phone in face of him. Then i was in a very bad mood, she wanted to cheer me up but she felt something was wrong. we entered the subway and when our destination station came we both got out of the train and she had never stayed with me before as it was her neighbourhood and she was afraid about rumours, but that day she stayed with and i was waiting another train i always accompany her to this station and then go to my station. I saw her eyes full of tears like if i touch her everything would blow. We had a fight that day she said say something and i only answered what can i say. Then at night she talked to me that she was afraid of my mood that day and i answered that it is better to know me now than after a long time and say to me i havent known you. She changed the subject and we talked a lot. Then everything was okey but one day i felt very bad i dont know and asked her if something was wrong. Of course her answer was no but she avoided me. Then i got of train with her and walked out of the station with asking questions why you are not honest with me why. she was bad and said me why you are doing this to me and buried her hat over to her eyes so i couldnt see them. But then i took a step back and reverted very quickly then she was surprised and called my name when i looked at her (like saying what now) she smiled and said i hope you will not be in a bad mood see ya). She avoided conversation classes once and then said the next time she would see her girl friends and meet them. Yesterday when i come home she wrote to me in whatssap and said good evening how areyou, what are you doing, why are you so late. And said she starts to joking with her girl friends tomorrow morning and i joked and said i will go to in order to see you. She smiled but after that said if you go to see me then i will not go with you to anywhere. I said i had no intention to do so but you revealed everything to me in your words you are unhappy with me. She argued that she is not and she wants to be with me. I knew that she was once loved somebody and her heart is broken. What can i do? i wanted to avoid love. But it is something that comes. You won't believe me but when i see the world is gloomy, black and white but when she comes it enlightens my world with colours. I respect her but i just cant love anybody. And i see in her eyes that she loves me too. But my father is in prison and 7 years is left, and she has 2 more sisters and a brother. In our culture father have effect on girls with saying that won't you marry with somebody and makes pressure. When i see her next time i will say lets take it slowly, we have one year left to complete our degree and after that i devise something out. But actually i dont want a life without her. What can i do? pls give me advices, girls. I actually know physcology of humans very well and know almost every moves what it means. But in this situation i cant think a thing. I cant sleep there are always nightmares. I cant eat my throat is like blocked. Why the world is so cruel to me. I dont cry often. when i am alone and think about her tears just one by one drops. What can i do? i cant carve my heart out. I know you must be optimist or something. But it is not like that. She is diabetes. Pls give me advices, very strong ones. I cant go on.
