Feeling guilty (co-dependency?)
I broke up with my "not ex" six weeks ago. It's been one of the worst breakups I've had - heart totally smashed, him trying to get back with me, not obeying NC, then me suddenly turning against him (realising what a douche he is).
Two weeks ago we had an explosive fight, where I told him I’d finally realised he was unscrupulous and shallow. This week he texted me saying that he’s trying to ignore me but it’s not his nature to be so hard. He said the breakup has finally hit him and he’s not handling it too well.
The text made me simultaneously cry and fume. He was trying to make me feel guilty, and also make out like he was being the bigger person by breaking the silence after the fight. I knew he was going to resort to guilt-tripping… it’s the only card he has left to play. He was ignoring that I had told him I wanted no contact.
I wanted to reply, but I handled it really badly. I told him that I would always hold him in my heart, but he wasn’t the guy I thought he was and I couldn’t have him in my life.
I hate that response because with "you're not the guy I thought you were" I’m putting all the blame on him. It was actually MY fault that “he wasn’t the guy I thought he was”; because I was the one who misperceived him. I let him treat me badly at every turn – I lay down so he could walk on me. But in this text I threw all the shit at him and disavowed any responsibility. It was an ego trip, and a big F-YOU.
I just wish I’d handled things better at this final hurdle and not leaked my emotions all over him. But I also felt that if I’d tried to be magnanimous (like I always try), then he would have kept contacting me. He’s ignored my previous requests for NC. I was trying to lay down a boundary, but I feel like I pissed all over him at the same time.
Am I feeling guilty cos I could have done better, or is this just more co-dependent behaviour? Incidentally, since sending the text I feel completely free of him.
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And yes, I realise that all the drama is another form of co-dependency…
Really sick of it!