A weight i carry.

It's been 4 year and yet I feel the regret that still lingers with in me. It not so much of a pain but of a weight that I desperately want to get rid off. But I will start from the beginning and it begins with this girl name K. She one year younger than me ,was goofy with brown hair,hazel eyes she and had braces and sat one row to the right and up one seat up. I didn't really pay much attention to her mostly because I was more interested in my studies. The first time we actually talked well I should say more like an argument about whose was going to get the right count down till class was over, needless to say I won and since then I never really talked to her then till the following year. We both were in a singing class but since we were still strangers and like all kids we kept to our clicks and didn't branch out but thought Mutual friends we all got to meet each other. That's when i saw girl S, she was short, cute, brown hair, brown eyes. I had a crush, but like shy me didn't say much neither did I do much about it. Time went on yet I have not made the move but my friend did. Man I was mad at my self for not doing or saying anything but I kept it to my self and as time went on my crush faded quickly and just accepted it. But during that time I got to know more about girl K that goofy brace face girl and we soon bonded over the most silliest things and we all became friends. Then one day on a sing competition I didn't know know my lyrics I knew that I was going to get the worst rating. We'll Girl K came up to me and said "let's practice, I will help you out" I refused but some how she convinced me, and there were me singing Girl K holding my music sheet making sure I sang the right lyrics.I must of spent about 3 hours singing that 1 minute song with her. It soon came time for me to sing and sure enough I got the lyrics right and got a rating of 1. I thank her but now looking at it now I feel like It wasn't enough.
Those were the best times the best laughters we had. Well over a summer break girl S broke up with my friend and a little time passed and she reach out to me and we begin texting each other most how your day a few jokes here and there. Well prom was coming up and I thought I would be a good idea ask her but I wasn't sure if it would even be a good idea. So I texted girl K and she told me that Girl S had feeling for me. So told Girl S if she wanted to go for some ice cream. We talked for a bit and instead of asking to prom I asked her out. She said yes but that we should keep a secret for now since she went out with my friend. And before you say it yea I saw the red flag that popped up but I didn't care I had feelings for this girl S. And if you haven't guess already well here it is after a time I got that feeling in the back of my mind that she still had feelings for my friend because of the way she acted so I decide to tell my friend that we were dating and he said he was cool with it (nope) and not to bother with all of the drama we broke up and at this time I just graduated and was at a community college. I didn't take I well a was sort of depressed at lot the more stuff happen when there was all out war with my family about who get money and stuff after a death in the family. I think I would have be a lot worst had it no been for Girl K she keep me up the best she could even though she had problems of her own and I don't think I ever asked how she was doing. I spent a lot of time with girl K just hanging out as friend and I would like to think we both had feeling for each other but since we were friends too long either of us wanted make a move. We enjoyed each other company and I cannot remember a time were I laughed so hard or felt so much at peace when I was with her.
And now for the weight I been carrying around.
It a started when should told me she was going to a party to drink I didn't want her drinking and I told her she shouldn't go but she told me that I shouldn't judge and to stop being like her father. So I to went to the party, she was drinking heavily I just made sure I put enough water so that she wouldn't overdose. I don't know what why I was doing this I really cared about about her and I just want to make sure that she would be safe. I don't know whether I was right or wrong in doing so and maybe nothing would have happen.
And then I saw her kissing another guy and that's when my heart sank. I stayed long enough to find someone to make sure she didn't drive and I left. And in the rage I told her that I didn't want to see her anymore. that she put me in a situation on her life safety. But you probably know that bullshit. I was just jealous I really had Feelings for her but stupid me was to scared to tell her to real truth to scared to get my heart broken.

We tried to talk it out and I asked her a question that if she knew that something like this would destroy our friendship that would she do it again.
She told me " I don't regret anything I don't like living in regret i prefer not to live in regret"
I don't know what she meant I took as a sign of yes to my question.
We still tried to talk to me bit I ignored her. Then when I tried to talk to her she ignored. And then it just stopped. Day's turn into weeks and weeks into months and months into 4 years.
All I can say is that I felt that I made the biggest mistake in my life. I miss her and maybe even loved her and for that mistake I carry this weight.

Girl K will probably never read this nor never know how I really felt. I don't know if there's any advise out there besides get over it.
I sometimes think about her when i feel down and how happy she made me feel just being around her.
And for you who is still here reading this I thank you, you are the first I have shared this with, and in the end just maybe what I looking was for someone to hear my story a listener to lift up this wieght Thank you.

Arch, we've all made mistakes. Now, I have no idea whether this party issue happened with girl S or K. But it really doesn't matter because you weren't a boyfriend of either at the time.

So, yes you were completely out of line telling her that you didn't want her to drink and with watering her drinks down. Yes, she may have got totally shitfaced and puked everywhere but her behaviour is her own choice - not yours. Threatening that her kissing another man would result in the end of the friendship was extremely controlling behaviour and the final nail in the coffin.

Having said that, friendships when one wants more than the other won't work anyway.....so either way, the friendship was going to die. You just helped it along a little.

Your consolation is that you will (hopefully) have learned a lot from this. Never again will you tell someone how to behave and who they can kiss. Never again will you waste time trying to have a friendship when you actually want more. And don't be upset at losing her.....because I don't think you had her to start with.

I'm sure in time she'll realise that you were just being protective and even that what you did was because you felt more for her than a good friend would. Some things simply become so much clearer when one is a bit more mature. She won't be upset with you forever but she might have changed in time and not feel the same connection with you anymore, however it would be very unlikely that you two couldn't have an amicable relationship in the future.

I agree with Basil that the relationship as it was, would have made you even more unhappy in time because you were also interested in her romantically, while she wasn't. If it wasn't for that incident, you should have distanced yourself anyway, trying to see her as a friend only, or stop seeing her altogether in order to forget about her and be able to become interested in another girl that shared the same feelings for you.

Thanks basil for the advise, but on you comment on Never again I fell like I should explain It's not like scold at her and say no she couldn't go I just said that she shouldn't go, said in the nicest way possible,said it because I knew that She was going alone and didn't know anyone at the party and only knew about the party because I had talked about it with her about me going. And as for the kissing another guy, maybe I wrote it wrong but I didn't tell her that she couldn't kiss another guy but It was the reason why I didn't want to she her anymore. What I referring to was her drinking. as for the drinking part well she was underage and felt like I should take responsibility but this part is debatable and plus I was young and stupid.