It's so hard to see your ex !
It’s not fair. Hello! I posted here several times and it seems to be one of the best places where I can find some comfort. I told my story to friend and they helped me a lot, but I don’t want to be a nag all the time. Sometimes I feel like the people from this forum are the only ones who understand me.Today I am feeling really horrible again and need to vent of a little and ask you people for some advice. In short my story is the following: I fell in love with a colleague of mine 2 and a half years ago and been in love with her ever since. She gave me a lot of signs that she liked me, but when I talked to her about this she told me she does not want to be anybody’s girlfriend or in a relationship. She started being really cold to me afterwards and got into a relationship with another guy. I was really heartbroken. She also lied to me and was, in general, a horrible person. I decided she is not worth my time and managed to, in part, get over her, mainly because summer was coming and I could avoid her (she lives in another town).
When we saw each other again during college, she started acting weird and sending me letters. I resisted the temptation to talk to her, because I did not want to fall in love again. I still felt lonely and sometimes missed her, but I was ok. I dated a few girls and had a more active social life. She really insisted and in her final letter she told me that she made a mistake, that she knew we were “ridiculously suitable” for each other. I told her I don’t want to talk to her again because she broke my heart and I don’t want to fall in love with her again. She called me (the first time after 5 months) at 12 o’clock at night and told me she wanted me to fall in love with her. I started talking to her, because, after a month of insisting from her, I really thought she realized she made a mistake. Needless to say that I fell in love with her again. She was great at the beginning. She said to me that she knew she broken me and that she will “fix me back” and take care of me. She told me I was the nicest boyfriend she ever had and that she really likes me and that I was beautiful and could not understand why she was not my girlfriend earlier. She told me that we will go to a Pearl Jam concert in Austria in the summer. I really liked her and believed she had changed. But, after a month, she started being distant and cold to me. She would refuse my invitations (saying she does not have time), she would call me less and less, and when I asked her what is going on she would say that she has a depression. I believed her and tried to help her get over it.
She split up with me on FB when I asked again, what is going on with her. She told me she does not love me and that we kiss “unnaturally” and that she did not feel right being my girlfriend. I told her she was superficial and, if she was not in love with me, why did she want me to fall in love with her. I felt like sh*t , but nothing could compare with what she said two days later… She sent me a long message, again on the internet, in which she told me that, in fac, she was seeing someone else and was in love with him and she understands if I don’t want to talk to her ever again. I told her she was horrible, that she did not keep any of her promises, that I don’t want to see her ever again and that I don’t want to talk to her. She told me to calm down and take it like an adult. Needless to say I felt horrible. Sad, extremely lonely, jealous and angry. I fell in love with her all over again and ended alone.
Two months have passes since then. I initiated NC, deleted her on fb and her phone number. I deleted all the pictures I had of her and threw out anything that reminded me of her. But, I could not get rid of the most important thing that reminds me of her. HER. I see her so often at college (we are in the same group). She tried to talk to me, pretending like nothing happened and whenever she does that all the memories of her are brought back to life. When she asked me why I’m not talking to her I said that she’d better leave me alone and her reply was : “You won’t get too far with this kind of attitude” . After I left the conversation she was sad and left college. I do feel better sometimes, and sometimes I have good days. But every time I have a good day, it’s like she senses and asks me something really stupid, like we were best friends. It’s just sooooo hard to get over her this way. I like going to college, I like making jokes and talking to people, but I can’t wait to finish it so I can stop seeing her. I try to avoid her the best I can, but it’s practically impossible to do that all the time. Every time I hear her voice, or her laughter I start missing her and being angry. I cant stand seeing her be happy. I don't know why but I can't. Sometimes I get the urge to write a letter to her I which I explain how she made me feel. How I cried myself to sleep for a month and a half and how I often randomly burst into tears now and then. How my head hurts and I could not concentrate for my exams. How it’s not fair that an awful person like her, who always said she likes to be alone and does not believe in love, had 3 relationships in the last year, and me, who wants someone to hug and love and kiss, has no one. I don’t want her to be happy, to do all the things she promised me with a guy she knows for a month. It’s just not fair. She knew I was in love with her for two years and when I finally got over her, she came back and broke my hearth again. Should I tell her? Should I write to her and explain what an awful person she is and how she made me feel? Yeah, one of her promises to me was that she was going to make me happy. I can truly say that this is the unhappiest period of my life. All the girls I was talking before she came back to fu%k up my life have a relationship now. It’s awful. On the other hand NC works. It truly does. I can sense that I am a little better than a month ago. Maybe this urge of mine to write to her is my subconscious who wants to open a line of communication with her… What do you guys think? Any advice? Thank you very, very much for reading my post. I think this forum is my only true help to get over this…
