I am very long winded, I apologize in advance and appreciate any feedback.
Background: I am 26, recently separated in July 2013. I am seeing someone who is 36 and separated a little over 2 years ago. They originally approached me. I am a very open, honest and detailed person. I like to express my feelings ( both good and bad ) and also appreciate the same from my partner.The main reason for my marriage failing was that we were not compatible, there was no messy part about it. We were both faithful and respected each other we just could not make it work. His marriage however was very messy, failed because his wife caught him exchanging intimate photos and words with four women online. He has tried to justify this to me by explaining that he feels he did not cheat because he was never physical with them and because he was feeling and receiving no love from his wife. I was very clear with him and explained that I agreed with his wife, and that there does not need to be physical things happening in order for it to be considered cheating. I have been very clear with him that I am not looking for a good time. I am looking for exclusiveness, that I do not share and that honesty is key if he wants anything to become of this.
I am the type of girl who falls hard and fast. A hopeless romantic, if you will. Some may describe me as being clingy or needy, however my intentions are good, they are just read incorrectly. When I am involved with someone, I focus all of my attention on them and making them happy. I strive to let them know how much they are appreciated and cared for. With that said, I am also a "fixer"; I consistently am drawn to people who I feel have issues that need to be resolved; and who better to help resolve them than myself. ( I've been doing some reading on this and have come to realize this is a control issue, I'll make a mental note to work on this ).
I started speaking to this man in October when he approached me while out with some friends one night. He added me to facebook and we began chatting online and through text very frequently. It wasn't until January that we started to hang out alone. He was up front with me and told me that he is an extremely sexual person so I was not surprised when he tried to make a move the first night we hung out. However, he also told me that he is not emotionally ready to have sex with someone as he feels its important to have a deep connection with a person and to have feelings for them ( which I appreciated ). The next few times we hung out, he continued to try to make moves ( no sex, just foreplay ). In the beginning I was finding it very difficult to connect with him because he turns every comment into something sexual, constantly wants to talk dirty, etc. I flat out told him he was moving way too fast and that I was not interested in what was happening. I was eventually able to get him to calm down a bit and talk to me like a real person. I started to notice a woman's name being mentioned somewhat frequently when I'd ask what he was doing. She was also tagged in things on his facebook, friends with his daughter, etc. I nonchalantly confronted him one day and asked if they were involved or if they had ever been involved. He told me no, they are not and have not been involved, they are only friends. My suspicions continued to grow regarding this woman.
Fast forward to Valentines Day. Since we technically are not dating and are only seeing each other, a girl friend and I decided to have a girls night out at a local restaurant and then go to "our bar" which also happens to be "his bar". Well, he shows up to the restaurant with about 10 of his friends (5 couples) plus this woman. Then after dinner they all come back to the bar, including her. I spent the entire night glaring them down and killing this girl with my eyes because I am naturally a jealous person. He came over to talk to me a few times closer to the end of the night. While there, he text me asking if I was mad at him.( um, duh? ) He admitted that he likes when I get jealous because I am a firecracker. Anyways, fast forward to a few weeks ago. I am out at our bar, and a friend of his ( who doesn't know that we are seeing each other ) tells me that my guy won't be joining us because he is with his girlfriend for the night. I said girlfriend? Oh thats interesting. Are you referring to * this girls name* and he said yes.
So I confronted him, and he immediately got defensive insisting she was not his girlfriend; that his friends assume they are dating because he spends a lot of time with her because she is helping him with financial stuff ( advice, investments etc ) so that he can purchase a home for himself and his daughter ( from a previous relationship, not the marriage ). I should have walked away right then and there, and said screw it but by this time I had already developed feelings for him.
I told him I would give him a chance to explain himself. I called him out on playing me, trying to have his cake and eat it too. He was very apologetic, was crying, etc etc. He told me he knew it was wrong, and that he was just scared to lose me or have me never talk to me again. He said he was going to come clean ( I call b.s) He continues to tell me that he is " trying" to hurry up the process so that he can be with me , but I have reason to believe that is untrue. He has told me that he loves me, that I make him feel different and that I am the only one who understands him. I asked flat out if they have ever done ANYTHING including kissing, he said they have kissed but that was it. He states that since he has been seeing me, he has even stopped the kissing. However, one night at my place I caught him in that lie when he admitted that they had fooled around but never had sex ( which I am not even sure that I believe now ).
So about a week ago he text me and said that I might finally be getting my wish ( which is for it to be just us, not this other girl involved ) and proceeded to tell me about a fight they had. I told him not to say things like that to me ; not to get my hopes up or get me excited for something that may not happen. I don't want to be told that its just going to be us, everytime they get in fight, only for him to go back to her.
He wants to hang out with me multiple times a week, but its only at my house. He is a very social person and loves going out, but yet for whatever reason doesn't want to go in public with me. I told him I feel like its because hes embarrassed about me or doesn't want to get caught with me, but he insists its because he enjoys the alone time and closeness we have and that coming to my place is his safe spot from the rest of the world. Everytime he comes here, hes so fixed on being sexual ( tons of making out, foreplay for him, no sex and I don't let him touch me even though he desperately wants to ) so I know hes not sticking around for sex or whatever. He has mentioned possibly planning a trip to see his sister and her children whom live in another province. He has hinted towards bringing me with him, although I have yet to meet his daughter or any other member of his family. He has also mentioned bringing me to events that we are both interested in over the summer. He has mentioned a few times about one day being a family with him and his daughter and a child of our own. He tells me that I would be a great mother.
We have had so many talks about what it is that we both want, and we seem to be on the same page except his is more "this is what I want but can't have it right now" type of deal. I just do not know what to do. I am the type of person who generally believes that you shouldn't give up on things too easily, that good things take some effort and hard work sometimes; but at the same time I feel like if we are working towards a relationship, we should be in that fun / flirty / happy stage and we are not. It is hard to trust new people in general, but when you start to trust them and they break that trust, its extremely difficult to move pass that - especially if the thing they lied about is continuing to happen.
Half of me is telling me I should run, but I am not sure how to since I have deep feelings for him especially when the other half of me is telling me that I need to give him a chance to get his priority taken care of first.
