Let me begin my explaining my story. So, I was in a year and a half relationship with a woman that I loved. The relationship was very good until the last month or so before the breakup. I was experiencing severe depression due to personal issues which I will not go into. One night I was experiencing a severe panic attack. My ex was yelling to me about my personal views about my depression. I tried to turn away as I was feeling attacked, and my ex pulled on my shoulder. I raised a fist at her. I began crying immediately afterwards due to nearly hurting her and my own issues. During panic attacks, I have the tendency to hit myself which I did in this case. As you can tell, my emotional state was very unstable during that point in my life. My ex told me that we would talk about what happened the next morning.
When that morning finally came, my ex broke up with me. I begged, pleaded, wrote her a two page letter of apology, apologized sincerely to her, and told her that I was willing to work through the issues through couple counseling and therapy. I told her I would do whatever it took to make the relationship healthy again. My ex rejected my offers. I found out three days later that my ex was sending nude photos of herself to a guy she previously emotionally cheated on me with six months prior to this. My ex confessed to that initial moment, and I forgave her and gave her a second chance.
Well, I confronted my ex and asked her if she left me for this other man. My ex laughed in my face, told me that I didn't truly understand why we broke up, that I am a good person, but not trustworthy, and that she can have sex with whoever she wishes. They both had sex a week later, and the only apology I ever received from her was "Sorry that I hurt you, but I can have sex with whoever I wish and I still have that right." She then started dating someone else about three weeks to a month after breaking up with me.
I was very emotional during that time and took everything she said to heart: the fact that I am a potential abuser, that she was completely in the right, that I should not be insulted that she slept with this guy a week after leaving me. Well, I still wanted my ex despite this. My ex would install false hope within me. For example, she asked if she could walk with me to my class and act kind hearted and flirtatious in some ways. When I ran into her at a coffee shop, she asked if I could sit next to her and would be completely friendly with me and seemed to truly like my presence. Maybe she was just trying to be civil as she would continuously talk about friendship post breakup, I don't know. I did favors for her because I cared for her at the time, and I did not want her to fail her classes, such as delivering to her a novel we had to read and so on.
I was in a very emotional state as described earlier. I would Tumblr stalk my ex for the first month. I would ask anonymous questions in relation to messages that she posted such as "On a scale of one through ten, how inappropriate would it be to invite someone I did the frick frack with into my mom's car?" My questions were such as "It seems you are moving on very quick from your relationship. Have you fully recovered?" and so on. Some were based on her sex life after the emotional cheating incident. My ex then confronted me of harassing her. That was the last time we ever spoke besides one run in. During that period of time, all my friend's were my ex's friends and they all sided with her, I was experiencing major depression, and I lost a woman that I cared about, so I am learning to forgive myself for my crazy behavior as it was based on extreme emotional feelings.
Well, fast forwarding a few months, I ran into one of my ex's friends. I truly liked her and wished we could still maintain that friendship. I wish I could tell her my side of the story so she would assume I am such an abusive asshole. It's difficult as that moment opened the flood gates to my sadness due to the issue. I felt like such an abusive monster during the break up, I felt like no one could love me, and I wish I could show her and tell her that I truly appreciated the friendship. I also wish I could tell my ex that I did care about her and was willing to move mountains for her to make the relationship healthy again like I did for her when she initially cheated on me. God, do I wish that. This is my first relationship as well, so it is hard for me to see a future with someone new. I'm scared to date again as I feel I will be hurt like this again.
Thank you for hearing me out.
