I want to rekindle our relationship... not sure how or if it's even possible.
Hello all. My ex, I'll call him "J", and I have been dating for four years. We are both 22. Our relationship has always been magical and happy. We were madly in love and spent a lot of time with each other. No other person has made me feel the way he did, and vice versa. We would always send cute texts to each other in the morning or when saying goodnight. Our connection was amazing and we planned our future together. We were sure that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. His family adores me, and I adore his. We still live separately because we're both still going to school. He works full-time and goes to school, while I only work part-time.
However, our relationship began to cause me stress. We were spending too much time together, and it felt as though we were attached at the hip. I realized that we were too attached in December. I got very sick with strep throat and had to be apart from him for about a week. I cried a lot during this time because I wanted to see him, and he was very sad about not being able to see me. I realized that through this relationship, I kind of lost myself. I wasn't my own person anymore and I didn't like the fact that it pained me so much to be without him for such a short amount of time. Furthermore, he didn't have a social life outside of me at all. I wanted us both to have lives outside of each other, as I thought it would be healthy for us. So one day, I came over and sat him down and told him that I wanted a break in our relationship and gave him all those reasons I just mentioned. It devastated him, to say the least. He cried, had trouble sleeping, couldn't eat, and couldn't focus at work. Throughout our break, we still saw each other regularly (although not as often) and were more like friends despite being intimate a handful of times. We were apart for two months. Through those months, I still made sure to tell him how much I loved him and how I thought our break would only make us stronger as a couple because its what I sincerely believed. He made some friends and has a social life now. He hangs out with his group of friends once a week. He also had more time to focus on his studies and work. Unfortunately, I didn't see the damage I had really caused him.
We decided to get back together late February, although he was a bit hesitant. He mentioned how he didn't know for sure if he wanted to get back together because of the severe emotional pain I caused him by breaking up with him in the first place. Despite his hesitation, we decided to get back together anyway and we were working on "rebuilding" our relationship. Things were a bit rocky. I could tell he had changed a little bit because he was no longer as openly emotional as he once was. He withdrew his emotions. Despite this, he still texted me every morning wishing me to have a good day and would tell me that he loved me. Last week, he even told me how "amazing" and "incredible" I was. However, I would try to have serious conversations with him about our problems and his trust issues, and he withdrew from those talks because he was uncomfortable talking about it. I pushed talking about it further, and ended up only pushing him away. This past Sunday, we were laying in bed and because of my insecurity, I tried to talk to him more about what needed to be fixed in our relationship. He told me he felt pressured and didn't want to feel like I was rushing him in our relationship. He told me that he was just confused and felt very unhappy. Because I care so much about him, I asked him what I needed to do for him to help him feel happy again and he told me that he just wanted my friendship. He told met that he just wanted to be single, and that he wanted to focus on school, work, and himself and finding happiness from "within." This hit me like a knife in the chest. I became really upset, but told him I wanted the best for him and wanted his happiness, so I would respect his wishes despite how badly it hurt me.
The next morning, he texted me this: "I can't do this. I just can't. I went to bed feeling empty, and I woke feeling worse. I need you, you're my rock that holds me together. Without you, I fall apart. Please. I need my princess. I just want us to be happy. Sigh. I'm miserable." I told him I felt the same way he did about his decision. I continued talking to him throughout the day and he kept saying how he loathed himself and how he wanted to feel happy again. Despite all of this, he stuck by his decision to remain friends. He invited me over that same night and we sat in bed watching a movie. We were sitting separately, side by side, until he reached out his arm and put my head against his chest. We would always watch movies this way when we were together. I thought that it was a sign that he wanted to change his mind, but nothing ever came of it. I left his house feeling upset. On Tuesday, I didn't talk to him all day, nor did he reach out to me. I called him at night because I was concerned that he didn't talk to me. I asked him if he was sure this was what he wanted, and he said yes. Again, he told me he wanted to focus on himself and be single. I asked him if this meant that our relationship was over for good, and he replied with, "For now, I don't know what the future will bring. If we're meant to be together, we'll end up together. But I can't give you a definite answer or a time frame." He then continued to tell me that our relationship was over, that it was time for a new chapter in our lives, and he even told me to find someone else. I don't know how much of that he just said out of frustration or if he meant what he said... he sometimes has a habit of saying things he doesn't mean, but I just can't tell with him anymore. Anyway, I told him that I would not be pursuing or looking for somebody else because he was the one I wanted to be with. He told me he still loved me, and I asked if he was still in love with me, to which he just replied with, "I don't know." We had made plans to hang out tomorrow and Saturday night before he told me he just wanted to be friends. I asked if we were still going to be hanging out, and he said that he wanted to keep our plans but only if they didn't turn into an "emotion fest" (meaning he didn't want me to start talking about our broken relationship or start crying.) I told him I would not talk about it, that I wanted to respect his wishes to just be friends. And we left it at that. He didn't initiate contact with me at all on Wednesday (yesterday) nor did I reach out to him. I want to give him his space and not make it seem like I'm pestering him. I didn't hear from him again all morning, so my will broke and I ended up texting him just to see if everything was okay since I hadn't heard much from him. He instantly replied with, "Thank you for reaching out. Everything's okay. I've just been really busy with homework and school, and work is a nightmare right now." We just made small talk and I cut the conversation short because I didn't want to bother him, and I told him that I was always available in case he wanted to chat. He told me the feeling was mutual, that I could always reach out to him if I needed to talk too.
I'm still just very devastated about all of this. He knows how much his decision pains me. I haven't been able to eat or sleep in these past few days, despite taking sleeping aids. I can't stop thinking about him. I want things to get better between us and I want to rekindle what we once had. I want us to get through this so that we can just be a stronger couple. But at the same time, I know I can't push or force him to reach the same decision. I don't want him to get back with me because I pushed him to, because he'd be coming back for all the wrong reasons. I want him to want to come back to me on his own. I poured my heart out to him, and he knows exactly how much I love him and want to be with him. He knows that I believe he is the man for me. He knows how happy we were and how happy I want us to be in the future, together.
I regret the mistake I made in December. I should never have initiated a "break." Despite his pleas, I was too stubborn in thinking that this would make our relationship stronger and healthier. I felt I knew what would be best. If I had known things were going to be like this, I never would've done it. He says he forgives me for what I did, but still continues to hold onto those feelings of despair that stemmed from it. It's been three months since we initially broke up, and he still won't let go of what happened. Before this, we never had any issues in our relationship other than mild arguments. There was never any emotional/physical abuse, no jealousy, no unhappiness. I was never unfaithful to him, and we never had trust issues before. He told me that he felt our relationship would never be the same, and how he was afraid to trust me again in fear that the same thing will happen. I hurt him so much, and I regret it. He texted me every day telling me how sad he was, how broken he felt. Now he continues to be miserable. I think he *may* be going through mild depression, because he mentioned how he has trouble sleeping through the whole night and I know that can be a symptom. But I dare not even bring that up to him. I don't understand how he can tell me how amazing I am and how he loves me, yet remain confused on whether or not he wants to be with me. One thing he's always been consistent about, though, is not wanting me out of his life. He wants my friendship, despite it hurting me. I don't want him out of my life either, but I'd prefer to be together with him rather than just friends. Out of anger and frustration, I told him to promise me that he wouldn't come crawling back after ending it with me. I told him to promise that he wouldn't want to pursue a relationship with me because it would only hurt. He refused to make that promise. It was stupid of me to even say that to him, but it really was just out of frustration and didn't mean that. I was really just frustrated because through all my poking and prodding, neither of us knows what he wants.
It's very difficult for me to comprehend how such a strong bond and a strong love could be changed from something like a break. I know I hurt him immensely. He even deleted his Facebook account while we were apart because he didn't want to be reminded of me. His tweets during this time were incredibly depressing to look at. However, I always maintained my love for him and made sure to tell him so. I really thought that we just needed time apart to become healthier in our relationship. (Looking back now, I realize it was a really stupid mistake and I regret it more than anything.) But for now, all I can do is wait and give him the space he wants. I'll be there for him no matter what. The last thing I want is to make him feel pressured, rushed, or pushed. I want him to reach the decision himself, for him to see that what he had isn't over, and we can get through all of this if he just manages to find happiness and let go. I just don't know what to do in the meantime to encourage this. I don't even know if its possible anymore. I might just be fooling myself into thinking he'll come around. I just feel so hopeless. It's not even been a full week since he made the decision to break it off with me, and I already feel like it's the end of the world.
Anyway... sorry this was so long. But this situation is complicated and I wanted to make sure to include all the details.
