am i really in love?

I know this gal for almost 10 years. We started to become close friends few years later. I fell in love with her. She said she cant accept me as she dont want to risk the great friendship should we failed as couple. I was shattered, but i respect her decision.
Never once i hold grudges against her for rejecting me. I agree with her that things may not turn better if we pursue further.

Lately, she had financial problems. And ive been helping her. She did pay me back in time as promised. There times i told her she do not need to return me back some amount as i dont want to burden her financial situation.

Im not trying to buy her love. Its just that i helped her for 2 reasons. One is she is my very close friend, second is bcuz i love her and im willing to sacrifice for her. But too bad, the situation here is money. I rather she temporarily take my money for good use than me spending my extra cash unnecessarily.

Some may say im stupid, or she is just using me. Thing is, she told me there isnt anyone else she feel safe to ask for help and im always going all the way to help her. There is a part of me feels that im ready to give up my life for her if necessary. However, im not sure if im being naive. Only if such situation arises then i will be tested.

I may have liked or lusted many other girls. But ive never cared for them like i did for her. So im just wondering if im really in true love with her. I can accept if i could never have her even it hurt me so bad.

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Some may say im stupid

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Yes, some may. :emot9:

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Others may not think so... I'll leave them to give you the advice.

I will ask though: Do you have an actual girlfriend that you could get your white knight syndrome put to good use on or do you just waste that on someone who doesn't want you as her boyfriend but will take all the benefits you offer her anyway?

None of us can really tell you if you are truly in love with her. Only you can know that for sure. Though, I've always been of the personal opinion that you can't actually be fully "in love" with somebody until you are actually in a relationship with them.

Anyway, getting back to the point, it does sound like you are very devoted to her. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but I think in your case it sounds like it is not doing you any favors. She has made it very clear that she only sees you as a friend. That is most likely never going to change. It is very rare that it ever does change. So, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if you cannot see being just friends with her, then it may be in your best interest to distance yourself from the friendship a bit.

It definitely sounds to me like you cannot see being just friends with her. You sound like you most definitely want to be more than friends with her, but are settling for just friends since that is all she is offering. It also sounds like you are not giving yourself the chance to find anybody else, because you really just want to be with her. If you were able to be friends with her, and then still try to date other women (meaning, also with your full heart, not just dating them secretly wishing they were her), that would be a different story. It doesn't sound like that is the case with you. It sounds like you are not interested in other women, which means by maintaining this friendship, you are depriving yourself of the possibility of finding your true soulmate.

Again, I have never agreed with the sentiment a lot of people seem to have that men and women can never be just friends. Some of my greatest friends in life have been women. For some of them, I feel extreme devotion and dedication. There have even been some in the past for whom I've had a crush, or for whom I'd have gladly become more than friends, but it just never happened. But, I've never allowed that to stop me from keeping my options open in case nothing ever did come between us.

If you could do that as well, I'd say no harm done. But, it sounds like you presently only have eyes for her, and that is not good if she has no interest in being more than friends. So, as much as this is not the advice you want to hear, it may be best to distance yourself a bit. You need to find somebody who will be interested in you in the same way you are in them. That isn't to say there is anything wrong with her for not being interested in you in that way. It is what it is. But, you can't put your own life on hold just hoping for something that may never happen. Either way, good luck my friend. Trust me, I know how you feel. I hope you find who you are truly looking for in life, whether it winds up being her, or some other girl.

Ive analysed the entire situation. I think things would not work out for us if we were to go further. We clashed in some things. She is religious, whilst im a freethinking agnostic atheist. She likes kids, i dont but i love cats. And i dont like the typical marriage life where i must mingle with in laws and relatives. Im fine to meet her parents if im gonna marry her. Even witn my own relatives ive never liked socialising with. They are just bunch of toxic people.

Its true that ive only eyes for her. All other girls ive known never bother about me like she did. Thats why i could never see other girls accepting me. I cant say those girls are not good enough, but perhaps we just dont click. Even if i end up with other girl, i may still love this girl more.

And the last couple of times we met, she had been randomly asking me about my love life. Like when am i getting a gf, is there anyone i like right now. And when i reply her saying i dont intend to or not dating anyone, she seem kinda unhappy though only for a short while. She will go like, " ya ok fine" or "ya whatever". Its nice to know if she is really considering us to be more than friends. But i highly doubt so.

By your own words, you mentioned that she's already said she did not want to be more than friends. Sure, that can change, and sure it could be she said that but didn't really mean it. It's just that it is most likely they she wouldn't have said that if it weren't true, and it is most likely not going to change. Again, it's not like that is 100% sure, but it just usually doesn't happen.

Trust me. I know how you feel. I have gone through my whole life convinced nobody could ever like me, much less a woman liking me in that way. So, when guys like us get a crush, it can often be hard not to have that "only have eyes for her" kind of feeling. It can be hard not to get too wrapped up in one person, even when it seems or is impossible, or at least highly unlikely. But, when you do that, you are doing yourself a great disservice. Especially in a case like this where she made it clear she just likes you as a friend.

You became interested in her, so you could become interested in somebody else. Though I do very much believe in romantic love, and the idea of a soulmate, I also don't believe that there is really just one person for everybody. I believe, if you want to, you will eventually find your "one person," but I believe that there are many people who could wind up being your "one person." So, this girl is apparently not it for you because she only likes you as a friend. So, look for girls who have some of the same qualities that made you crush on her. Heck, maybe you will even find somebody whose values you mentioned (kids, religion, family, etc.) align more with yours.

Right now, it is too easy to say that you could never feel as deeply for another woman as you do for her. Because now you are still around her and infatuated with her. If you met somebody else, that would be over in a moment. For the time being, though, I still lean towards thinking you need to distance yourself from her. It sounds to me like you really just want to be more than friends with her, but that is not a possibility. Because of that, you aren't giving yourself the chance to meet other women.

Anyway, good luck. Trust me, I know how hard it can be when you are crushing on somebody and it seems like nothing will ever come of it. I know how hard it can be to move on and try to find somebody else. But, in time, you will get over your feelings for her. And, eventually, when you find somebody who does want to be with you, you will see why it is so much better not to get too fixated on one person when it seems unlikely it will happen. Good luck, my friend.

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She is religious, whilst im a freethinking agnostic atheist.

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This usually doesn't work for the long term because religious people, IME, are very close-minded and try to force others to change their beliefs to match their own. That's a very strong trend in America anyway.