Deeply troubled and hurt. Please weigh in on your opinions
I'm about to get married to my fiancee.
She is great and all and I love her deeply.
However, things have gotten a little rough.
She comes from a small church with a handful of really close friends.
They are really a bunch of great people and stuff.
But, among that group of friends is her ex whom I shall call Leslie.
They had a bad relationship in the past and sort of led a very "uncharacteristic" relationship for Christian leaders.
According to her, the relationship was torturous and toxic.
That relationship ended 4 years ago and it's all in the past.
I would very much have loved to have move on from the incident.
Don’t get me wrong, I really like her group of friends and I’m cool with Leslie and stuff.
Those are things of the past.
It’s just that I grew up in a culture where people don’t live in the past and move on from it. Either keeping a distance from past relationships or cutting it off entirely.
But she doesn’t seem to share that view with me.
The problem lies in the community she is tightly knitted to.
She and Leslie share the same handful of friends.
It’s the nature of being in a small church.
Everybody is deeply involved with a lot of the same things.
So they serve in the same worship team, hang out with the same group of friends and basically has Leslie involved in a big part of her life.
That is somewhat okay for me but things started to weird me out even more.
In the early months of us dating, she was taking drum lessons from non other than Leslie.
I thought I could be cool with that, but it troubled me for some reason.
I talked to her about it and asked if it was okay for her to take lessons from someone else.
I have some qualified drummer friends who is very much into the whole church scene and stuff and asked her to consider them instead.
She argued that he is the best person for the task to take drum lessons from and it was convenient and etc.
Alas, I was told to wait for her to decide whether or not she will continue seeing Leslie for drum lessons.
After some time, I was really grateful that she chose to end it.
It was a big sigh of relief.
Shortly down the line, Leslie hooked up with a very close friend of my fiancée.
Let’s call her Mary.
I felt a little weird at how things would turn out.
After all, if Mary is one of my fiancées closest friends and she is in a relationship with Leslie, then I am going to have to accept that Leslie will be a big part of our lives.
So as our relationship grew, I asked if we could move on to another church and build our lives together there.
She said she would and that would take place after our marriage.
However, her actions spoke otherwise.
She would grumble and moan when I asked her to visit the church I was attending.
She would plead for me to go to her services.
She would keep telling me that we should attend her church after we settle down and stuff.
She would say that we should stay somewhere near her friends and work.
Then recently, Leslie approached my fiancée to help him search for an engagement ring for Mary.
The response from my fiancée knowing that I am deeply troubled about all this really hurt.
She responded with an immediate “YES” with no hesitation.
To make things even weirder, there is another girl in the picture.
Let’s call her Alice.
Leslie cheated on my fiancée back when they were in a relationship with Alice.
Alice is one of the prominent people in this group of friends, also attends the same church and is one of my fiancées closest friends.
My fiancée wants me to accept all that and ultimately embrace it as a big part of our future.
I want to be cool with all that, but I just can’t seem to wrap my head around having her past so very involved in her life.
I have tried to reason out with her.
I would propose some changes we could do for the relationship. Most of the time, she would get really defensive and argue that it’s totally okay.
I would then have to reason things out with her and force her to see things if the situation were to be reversed.
That always seemed to work.
She would then agree and assure me verbally that she will do what it takes for our relationship.
But as soon as something uncomfortable comes up, her action has never backed up what she promised.
Not even once.
We are getting married in 6 months time.
She said she would make changes in her life for both of us, but I can’t seem to believe her anymore.
The only way for me to move on is to acknowledge that living with your past is totally acceptable and it’s a healthy for any given marriage.
Please tell me if I am weird for feeling strongly against this.
Is it socially acceptable to embrace this culture?
I have tried to convince myself that its okay but my heart is deeply troubled and I can’t seem to shake it off.
Any advice and help is deeply appreciated.
