Cold Fish

This is first time posting here, so hi! About me, I'm 23 yr old finishing my engineering undergrad.

So I'm single, haven't been in a relationship since I was 18 (it was 2 and a half years), and have generally just been doing school and living life. All good stuff.

I'm positing because lately I've been experiencing something which troubles me. I'm a fairly personable guy and I have an easy time making friends at parties, and I have an easy time talking to girls I've just met. Sometimes we become friends, sometimes we just hang out at the parties. Some girls (my friends tell me) like me enough that I could probably pursue a hook-up/relationship/dating thing if I wanted.

Here's the thing - though I love meeting new girls and enjoy their company, any time there's a possibility of things going beyond surface talk at a party, I just feel cold. Like uninterested and mechanical. Honestly, I would love hooking up, but I never have before and I don't feel desperate to just make out/whatever at the expense of leading someone on. So I never have.

Moreover, any chance of a girl maybe wanting to hang out, possibly date, I just... in my head I just kind of feel blank. I try to tell myself I avoid relationships because I'm focusing on school, but truth is I just feel like I would be giving away some degree of control of my otherwise contained life right now.

Last night a girl who I could probably have pursued for dating and so forth was approached by a buddy of mine because I had told him I wasn't going to make a move (which is fine, I'm trying to "claim" people or anything lol). They're out right now, and I'm feeling kind of bothered, which indicates I feel at least a little upset (not at my friend, or the girl of course), but really at my own lack of.... ??

I just feel mechanical and closed off recently, even though among friends and parties I love to socialize and have a great time. I just don't want to get good at being closed off to furthering anything that could be romantic. It's not unconfidence, its that it feels like there's just something machine-like about my response to any romantic connection with someone.

This was rambly, and I apologize for that. But has anyone ever gone through a phase like this? It's very badly worrying me. I see my friends trying, failing, succeeding to meet new people romantically, and I know in my head that I feel absolutely nothing for it. Not a negative thing - just nothing at all.

If anyone has ever felt like this, did it pass? Looking back, were the certain things reinforcing those feelings for you? Would you have any advice for me?

Thanks for taking the time to read this long thing at any rate! :)

- Dan in Philadelphia

Hey Dan,

Having read your post, I am sorry to say that I have not really felt quite like you have ever. I have had a period of being single in the past that just felt a bit disinterested because it was all the wrong people, so I'm going to try to understand and give you some ideas, but in the end, you know yourself better than we do, so....take what you will and leave what you will. :S

I'm curious, though...how did it feel like when you were in a relationship? Did things go okay...did they end okay too? I only ask because I'm wondering if perhaps things left a bit of an impression on you?

And going back to what you said about "losing yourself," it kind of reads to me like it's really not a lack of interest but a wall instead... If you need control in your life, you don't have to be single to have it. The only time that you lose control over your life is when you structure your relationship entirely around someone else because makes for an imbalance. Relationships are, after all, a lot of give and take, and when one side puts the other on a pedestal or gives more to the other, that's when you have an unhealthy relationship. That's when you lose control of your life.

So, I think, based on the information you already provided, is just that you need someone who will balance you out, right? Someone who allows you to relax and who you can be yourself. Someone that will recognize you're your own person and is not looking to mold you around their own life. And, if my curious guess that you might have a lasting impression from your previous relationship is correct, it would certainly make sense and would only reinforce your need for someone like that. Not to mention, there's nothing wrong with being a little choosy...just make sure you're not so choosy that you completely block out someone that could be good for you, if that makes sense.. :S

Again, these are only thoughts based on the information given so far...so if you feel like I'm pretty far off and would like to further explain how you feel, leave a reply here and we'll all examine the situation more closely.
Hope this helps a little though.
-Will

When I was about 20 to 22, I went through a phase where I wasn't interested in dating. Sure I met guys that I thought were cute, I might have had a crush here or there, but mostly, I was very content to just be a social butterfly, sing karaoke, drink with friends, and be happy-go-lucky. I had been in a couple serious relationships by this point and they didn't end particularly poorly. I was just young and they ended. That happens.

I think maybe you're just in a transition period where you're thinking about being in a relationship again. Not so much out of desperation or loneliness, but because you did the alone thing for a while, it was fun, but maybe it's time for a change. This is a really exciting place to be because it means you're ready to learn something new about yourself.

You are in very small danger of being "too used" to being alone, but I don't think this is a real problem with you since you're on this site trying to hash out what's going through your head. You're near graduating, you might still not have time for a girlfriend, but there's nothing wrong with beginning to think about it.

Just stay yourself, be relaxed, be cool, and be open minded to maybe making an action or two that isn't quite how you've acted in the past. Maybe you don't have to go balls to the wall into dating, but you could simply get to know a girl a little better, maybe just go on a date or two, and tell yourself, "This could go somewhere or this could go no where. Either way, I'm cool with it. I can still be myself or I could be a new me. Both are cool people."