Moving on is hard when Love is still Strong
My Ex dumped me about 7 months after 7 years of a wonderful but challenging relationship. She wanted me to marry her for a long time but I was caught up in dreams of a more romantic and idealistic lifestyle than what our relationship had become. We both worked very hard and are high achievers. However I have had a great deal of success and have become financially liberated and have a lot of control over my lifestyle. For a long time the plan was for her to go through her academic program and would then join me on a path of independence. However that became less and less idealistic for her and I was silly to hold on to that dream. We both loved each other but separated and have both been having some difficulties. For the first few months I had limited contact with her and gave her space. I then went no contact in Jan and she started contacted me 40 days later or so. I was pretty aloof and indifferent because I wanted to show her that I did not need her. She said she wanted me in her life but as a friend. At any rate I have maintained limited contact not initiating contact and seeing her from time to time a mutual friends gatherings. We don't talk much but can be in the same room together. Basically I have changed a lot and have become a much healthier, stronger and stable person. She has had a lot of set backs in grad school, has been drinking a lot and has from what people have told me been trying to move on but hasn't fully dealt with her emotions. We had a truly magical relationship story and a big part of me believes that this is part of our process to building stronger bonds. She was getting pressure from a couple guys and one in particular to leave me and I think that helped her make the decision to move out. However she is not in a relationship with him but he is still around and likely continuing to pressure her a bit. I have completely backed off and have protected my heart from opening up to her. I would really like to open up to her but for now I have resisted. I need to see more from her in order to put myself
So my ex really wanted me to come to her birthday party for months but I told her I will just wait and see. I ended up going with some friends and we had a great time.
Her whole family was there and they all hugged me and said they loved me. It was good to see them but I stayed really strong and just told them what I have been up to and that it was nice to see them as well.
My ex was keeping an eye on me but I remained pretty aloof and enjoyed the company of others. From what I could tell she was uncharacteristically hyper and pretty drunk according to people that tried to talk with her. After the party and the next morning was hard and I felt sad. I went to work briefly but then decided I needed a break so I went on a long run and enjoyed the good weather. As the day progressed I felt better.
Later that afternoon my ex texted me asking how the day was. I told her that it was pretty good (even though it was really hard). She replied that it had been rough for her. She said She was glad I came. I told her it was fun and that she looked nice.
I really want to break this cycle of communication that she directs toward me. I don't know where it is coming from but I know it is preventing both of us from moving forward.
I am thinking of asking her to meet for coffee so I can basically tell her the following....I can give you unconditional love and support. I truly want you to be happy and fulfilled as a person. You are amazing and you should know that I have a deep love for you and your family. Please do not include friendship as a condition you request of me.
I cannot give you is friendship. Friends don't cause me heartache when I am around them. The truth is that I still have feelings for you and I probably always will. You are the love of my life. I have made a lot of progress accepting and moving on but In order for me to really move forward I need to close my heart to you, which makes me sad but it is the only way I can fully heal.
I can't change the fact that my behavior contributed to broken communication and fizzling passion In our relationship. I accept my failures and can only learn from them. However I can only be one thing to you, the most passionate love of your life.
Clearly you have to do what's best for you and you have all the space you need to pursue the life you want to live. I wish you happiness and joy.
The breakup was the best thing that could have happened to me. I have told you this before I am thankful for the wake up call. I broke through some deep mental barriers that were affecting my behavior and attitude. I believe we both needed to grow some independence and re evaluate our priorities independently, it was brave of you to initiate that process and I truly thank you for it.
Some delusions that I have shed included romanticized visions of living abroad with you in a few spots around the world and deepening our relationship. I developed changes in the business growth that no longer means making lengthy international journeys which was a source of a massive amount of pressure. I discovered the richness of my inner world and no longer feel pulled in so many directions.
I know myself much better. I'm still the same guy just with a superior foundation.
I have no expectations and as I mentioned I love you unconditionally but you need to do the same please do not make friendship something you want from me. I cannot alleviate your guilt. I suggest you stop numbing your emotions with alcohol and work and really look deeper inside yourself.
I just plan on using this as talking points not a verbatim letter.
A penny for your thoughts?
