Very distraught. Help.

Hi there.

I apologize if this message is too long. But I feel that people need to hear the full story to fully understand the extent of the relationship.


I hope someone replies this message because I am in dire need of help and I'm feeling so distraught about this...

Short version

I was in a beautiful loving long distance relationship with a girl for 3 months after getting to know her for 2 months. It was my most serious relationship and deep relationship ever even though it was an LDR. We genuinely love each other.

However, during the third month my depression issues arised again due to my studies (I am in my final semester of my degree). And it got very serious that I had to see a doctor. I genuinely felt that I needed to push the people I care about and deal with it alone, because I didnt want them to see me like this and I didn't want to upset them. So I pushed away even though I still loved her so much.

She got really upset and we mutually decided to break up but be still be talking and very affectionate. She wanted to get back together a few times, but I told her I can't for the moment, because of my issues and I was afraid I would hurt her so badly again. I needed to go through my final semester and deal with the problems of my studies to finally graduate and finaaaally be happy.

She then decided that she had to break it off with me. She deleted me on all social networking media and blocked me on facebook because she thought I didn't have feelings for her and she thought by erasing me out of her life entirely she could move on.

I tried to let her go for the first few days, but it was so hard. I know I loved her so much and for the first time in my life, this is a girl that I genuinely can see myself with her in the future. So I tried fighting back for her.

I tried messaging her about how I genuinely feel. and by this time, I managed to get my studies back on track and I can genuinely see myself graduating in a month from now and finally be rid of my depression problems with my degree. I told her about how sorry I am that I let this affect the relationship and I have changed and am willing to change even more to make this work.

And she reads the messages but it's been a month since I've tried to fight back for her, but she has not directly replied me. The only ''replies'' I can see is through her status messages, which on the first week said ''I don't know...'' regarding us. A week later it was ''You only know you love her when you let her go..'' and two weeks ago she changed it to, ''in limbo'' meaning she isn't sure if she wants to move on or not..

Still no direct reply though.

Do you think she's moved on from me? Should I stop messaging her? This feeling of not knowing what she thinks is killing me a live. I told her that, if she really has no feelings for me or if she thinks that this has no future, she could message me so, so that I know what she thinks, or she should even block me on the app so that I know we have no future together, but she hasn't done that, and she still reads my messages. I don't know what to do...

Full version

Well....you see... Back at the end of last year, I met this really amazing girl. Well I wasn't looking for anything other than friends really. But as we started talking and hanging out more...we really did click. One thing led to another and well...we started flirting with each other. Now the issue is...that she was here on holiday and she works in a neighbouring country. I was not really a strong believer or LDRs. And I realized the flirting was really moving to somewhere serious. So before it got very serious, I had to tell her that I don't really like LDRs. She was a little upset but she was glad I told her early on. And so she left and we remained as friends.

Unfortunately...when two people who are really attracted to each other try to be friends, you know its hard...we eventually started flirting again.

Now...I was really really into her at this point. But.. There was something about me that I was hiding. Actually I try to hide this thing to most people and only my closest of friends know this about me...

For the past two years due to my major, I have been having really bad depression and anxiety issues. And it was really serious that I had to go see a doctor and even extend my semester for a year. I should have graduated by now. Basically I hate what I'm studying but I can't really afford to do another degree so I felt no had no way out.

So...before it got really serious... I felt.. I had to tell her about this. And I did. I mean if I can barely ever take care of myself, how am I supposed to take care of another girl?

To my surprise.... She said she only liked me more now because I opened up to her and she wanted to help me get through this. I was really happy to hear this and we started an LDR early this year.

The first 2 months were amazing. We would be talking to each other literally every minute of the day through text or voice message. And when she comes back from work we would Skype for hours. Really it could go up to 6 or 7 hours. It really felt like something very deep for both of us cos we really connected. And we weren't just talking about random mundane things, we literally poured our heart and soul to each other. and we both realized, that what we had was something special And well...we both confessed that we loved each other.

The thing is around the start of March, My depression problems arised again. My final year project was going really really bad and I was having really bad anxiety attacks about it. There are points where I could literally feel a rush of pain when i get over anxious and it would make me unable to do anything. And I generally felt in a very depressed mood.

I realize when I get depressed, I tend to push away the people I care about the most. I just wanted to be alone... So unfortunately I kind of did push her away as well


I was generally not happy...and she tried her best to cheer me up. But it didn't really work. One day...I did the most stupid thing ever..
I told her we were moving a little too fast and I took back my words about loving her. I know I didn't really mean it. But, I didn't want her to keep on seeing me this way and I just wanted to be alone. I felt I was being a burden to all the people that cared too much about me, even family. So I just shut myself from everyone.

Obviously she got really upset about it.

Now her best friend noticed she was really very sad and she asked her what's going on. She told her about me. And she got really angry. She told her to stop contacting me and break it off. but she couldn't bear to do it. So it came to a point where they stopped talking for a week.

In the end... We mutually decided to break up. I couldn't bear hurting her like that anymore and she just felt so upset I was upset and what I told her. She told her best friend we weren't talking but we still secretly kept talking. And we were still very affectionate and loving towards each other. It still felt like a relationship

Now around this time....she was having trouble with her family. So she got even more upset about things. And the issues with my studies were going from bad yo worse. I genuinely thought I wouldn't graduate.

Basically we both needed support but both of us weren't able to give it.
She asked me again to get back together, and I still had strong feelings for her but I was soooo affected by my depression and I couldn't bear to hurt her again... So I told her I can't at the moment.

And then she said...she had to break all contact with me to move on then.
She tried to do it. But she couldn't do it. We still talked.

The thing is...I was really very upset at this point. My issues with my degree were largely clouding my judgment and whenever we talked, it just wasn't happy anymore. We were always talking about sad things and crying. So I did the second most stupid thing.

I told her....I needed some space to deal with my problems and solve them. I told her that we should stop texting each other very regularly but we can still talk to each other on Skype if we reaaaally missed each other.

She was upset but begrudgingly agreed. So basically I forced her to try to live without me. This is very important because...

Eventually a few weeks down the road...she stopped replying me. She sang a very sad song and... She sent me a very sad goodbye message. She told me she needed to stop contact with me to move on. She blocked me on Facebook and pretty much every messaging app

The first few days...I tried to let it go. I told myself it had to focus on studies and get out of my ****ty situation
.
But I realized that, I really do miss her so much and yes it was an LDR. But for the first time in my life I really felt I had such deep strong feelings for a girl.

My previous relationships didn't feel anything like this. I really did love her and I genuinely could see a future with her.

To make things better, I tried to get my studies on track and eventually things got better. While I won't be acing my stuff...I'd actually be able to graduate this semester and get out of darn degree. I'd be free. I could choose the way I want my life to be. After getting my degree And I could generally feel my depression issues being over.

So I tried to fight back for her. I tried sending her messages of how much I do have feelings for her because she thought I didn't. And how sorry I am for hurting her and how much I've changed and am going to change even more.

I realized must not let my issues affect the people I care and I told her that. I learnt such a hard but worth lesson.

And I noticed she reads the messages I've been sending her. And for the first week her status changed to " I don't know..." Regarding us. Then a week later it became "you only know you love her when you let her go" and then 2 weeks ago it was " in limbo" meaning she isn't sure if she wants to forget me or not.
But..its already been a month since I've tried to fight back for her and send her messages but...no direct reply. I even told her to block me or at least tell me that we have no future together if she believes so so that I can move on. But nothing. The only thing I can see that are her replies to my messages are her statuses..

Soo... Do you think she's moved on? Is it really too late? I really have never ever felt like this for a girl before. I know if we can give it a second shot, this time me being a better changed person, it would be a relationship of happiness and bliss

I learned my lesson the hard way -- the best way to treat her is by holding your own, acting aloof, and not pursuing her. Not saying you shouldn't be honest about your feelings, but if she backs off then maybe you've gone too far.

You did what you had to do and even went over your physical and psychological possibilities while she acted immaturely and selfishly. I think that she failed to offer you the support she initially promised you but in the same time there wasn't any efficient way of supporting you than giving you your space and time and that sort of killed the relationship for her.

The timing wasn't good, you're both very young and far away, besides you've been overwhelmed with your studies and you did the right thing by taking care of yourself. If you had done differently, you would have failed in everything, your health, your studies and the relationship which you couldn't have enjoyed not being well.

Continue dedicating to your studies if you have to and try to contact her after you graduate. If she's going to be a bit more understanding and still interested in a relationship then, great, if not, well, her loss. You'll have your degree and the possibility to live your life as you want and to meet other wonderful girls that live closer to you and you could have a less stressing and more enjoyable relationship. Good luck.

I have a different perspective. Pushing people away, even though you may have genuine reasons, ALWAYS puts you at risk of losing that person. Why? Because in a loving relationship, things don't just 'end' because one partner is having a hard time; you work through stuff together. You ask for help. You explain how you're feeling. You reassure them it's not them. You verbalise what you're going through. Without communication, the other person will think the worst and to counter the feelings of rejection, they push away too. And that signifies the end.

Thank you for your replies.

Butchie: I guess you are right, but I think my situation might be a little different? Because well, the main reason why she eventually stopped contact with me was because she thought I did not have any feelings for her. She asked me a few times if we wanted to get back together, after we broke up, but I told her I couldn't as long as I had this depression issues going on. I feel right now, I have to show her that I really am serious about this relationship. Or do you think I am wrong and still should be acting aloof?

Valixy: I understand what you are telling me. But I don't think I can blame her for what she did. She probably didn't realize the extent of my issues when I told her. and I really made a huge mistake in taking back the words I said about loving her even though I didn't mean it. I have got focus on my studies to a point where I can see myself graduating by the end of this month and that for me is good enough. I am elated that I'd be finally over this issue with my studies. Thank you very much for your opinion though.

TablesandChairs: I agree with you. To be honest, this is my first serious relationship. The past relationships I had were never this long and weren't as deep as this one. And also it is my first relationship since I have been suffering from depression. So I honestly did not know how to react when my depression arised again. I thought I was doing the right thing by not involving her.

But yes, I cannot use that as an excuse. I told her how deeply sorry I am and how I have fully realized my mistakes and how I am committed to changing to be a better person for this relationship to work.

I still have not gotten a reply though. Although she still sends these vague ''statuses'' about it saying that she isn't sure if she wants to move on or not. I really have no idea what I should do to make this work.

Good lord. Shorten that up a bit.

You broke her heart. The one I love froze me out. Worse thing you can do to someone who loves you. But I was strong and faught back for what I felt was worth it. She needed you to fight back for her instead you left her to flounder alone. If you want to know 100 percent take the change go to where she lives with flowers and tell her you love her. She might say no and you will have to walk away. But honestly you are better off taking the chance. Keep in mind you really hurt her and she has put up barriers so you can't hurt her again. But if she really does love you going there and seeing her in person will be the only way.

Update.

I sent her a message, saying I can't keep assuming that her status messages are about me and I have to respect her silence.

Basically it was sort of a good bye message.

The following day, she changed her status message to the lyrics of the song, that we said was ''our'' song back when we were together.

Basically her status was ''take me back to the start..''

Also I noticed she frequently viewed my profile today (for the first time)

But still, no direct reply from her.

Do you think she's playing mind games with me?

Because for the first time I told her I was going to force myself to move on...and she did this...

Stupid mind games...Change your status to "Straight Up Now Tell Me" by Paula Abdul.

As hard as this may be, you're going to have to let her go and move on. First, I think you seriously need to figure out how to deal with your mental health before pursuing a relationship. If you cannot get this under wraps, you're eventually going to hurt the ones you care about. You were right about that.

Secondly, long distance relationships almost never work out. Think of it this way: if the relationship was truly stable enough for it to be healthy and long-lasting, you wouldn't be having this a severe argument over something that is, essentially, kind of silly.

Finally, I do think that the damage done at this point is beyond the point of repair.

I think you need to just let it go, and give yourself at least 6 months before even thinking of contacting her again. Take the time to work on school, and your mental (and physical) health.