Can text flirting really be meaningless>

Hi, I'm in need of some guy opinions. Forgive me, this is longer than I'd anticipated.

I have been married for 23 years. Mostly happy, with your typical ups and downs.... but nothing major. We have a wonderful life and I feel like my husband and I had a pretty solid relationship. He's a good man, a good father and provider, we have a healthy sex life and I have NEVER EVER been jealous or felt threatened in my marriage... until 2 months ago. Now my world feels like it's upside down with a turmoil of emotions and I can't seem to let go of it. I'm trying... really trying, but every time I think I'm OK, a few days later, I have another melt down.

My husband is a pretty reserved guy.... he has a pretty serious job, is a supervisor and works with mostly men and only a couple of office women. I've never known him to be the flirty type, other than maybe a passing moment while out with friends, but never outside of me being there. In our 25 years together, he has never ever made me feel like he would stray.

2 months ago, I accidentally stumbled across some text messages that my husband had been exchanging with a female co worker. (we don't have passwords on phones and he doesn't do computers at home. ) He'd mentioned her a few times, and I'd also met her on a few occasions at company gatherings. I never felt threatened by her at all or got any weird vibes from my husband while we were around her. She friended me on FB and seemed nice enough, although She is exactly the opposite of me, Loud and mouthy. Sometimes the things she said kind of made me shake my head... she's a good 10 years younger than I am, so I know it's a different era. She seemed proud of being a "sarcastic smart ass". (the way she described herself)
She too is married and seems to be happily married with two young daughters.

The text messages I read had been going on for several weeks... they were initiated by her and quickly became a daily thing. She would start with funny, random things at the start of the day and from there it would just go on and on... some days were heavy, some were not... mostly it was just silly banter but occasionally she would throw in something that, for me, seemed to cross the boundaries of what I felt was appropriate to say to a married man. I could also tell that there were a handful of messages that had been deleted.. I got my wits about me and went to my husband to find out what the Hell was going on. I was completely and totally blind sided by all of this and I was crushed!

He owned it... said he knew it was wrong and apologized profusely for hurting me. He said it meant absolutely nothing and that there was nothing going on between the two of them and that he had absolutely zero feelings for her. He said that it was just entertaining and funny to him and that it was never meant to go anywhere. I asked him about why he had deleted the messages and he said he deleted them because some of the conversation got a little edgy (on her part, and I'll explain that later) and that he knew it wasn't right and I wouldn't like it. He assured me over and over that there was NOTHING more to it than just stupid banter, he never got mad or defensive about any of it and he could not apologize enough for hurting me.

Over the next few days, I became obsessed with reading those deleted texts to find out what was said and why they were deleted... I finally figured out a way to read them partially. He told me that he was willing to sit down with me and go over them together and we would talk about it. I was once again crushed by what I read in those deleted texts..... Now before I go on, I will tell you that my husband never said anything inappropriate... She, on the other hand did... Here are some examples:

One convo was about sitting in the Hot Tub for sore muscles.... she ended up saying that she would love to sit in the hot tub with him but then she'd just end up getting them both in trouble.... My husband never replied.

Another time she messaged him and asked where he was... when he replied he was in a meeting in another town, she replied with "Well that explains why I'm not getting the attention I require"... he replied with "Ill be back".

One said: I know you want to leave work today and go drink beer in the woods with your favorite assistant. My husband didn't reply.

On numerous occasions she would refer to herself as his favorite assistant and say things like "Just admit it, I'm your favorite"... and he replied with "Yes, you're my favorite". She would say "Just admit it, you look forward to my daily reminders" and he replied "I do".

Another time she called him a Hot Piece of Ass in a joking way. He didn't reply.

And once... when she had left him a message that said "Don't forget to tell your favorite assistant how awesome she is today". He had replied with "Sorry I forgot to tell you how awesome you were today... But Yes, you are the best Ass ever. She replied with "you have no idea". He then said "that was a poorly formed sentence, meaning she was an ASS".... she replied, "Oh, that's too bad, I liked the awesome ass comment".

These were the ones that killed me. There were many many more of just stupid chatter that would start out with a work related question and go into a back and forth banter where she called him names and acted her smart assy way and he would respond. In all of the messages that I read, my husband never said anything inappropriate to her and never responded when her comments turned into sexual innuendos. He said when it got like that it made him uncomfortable so he just let it drop.

I have cried oceans of tears... I have struggled daily to come to grips with this. My husband has been amazingly loving through all of it. I know he is so sorry... He even cried with me once during one of my melt downs and told me that he was so embarrassed and so sorry... that he would give anything to take back the hurt that he'd caused me. Through all of it he has maintained that it meant NOTHING. That he was not attracted to her, that he has no feelings for her, it wasn't going anywhere, and that it was nothing more than a source of entertainment, even though he knew it was wrong.

I have forgiven him... He has been amazing and has completely bent over backward to console me. I love him and I know that he loves me. We have a great life! I just don't know how to get over my hurt.... I think about it every day.... I want so bad to believe that he wasn't becoming infatuated with her.... but I fight with myself constantly over it.

So there's my question... is it REALLY possible to have such flirty, ongoing texting tryst with someone and have it mean nothing? I so need the advice of other men to reassure me.

Thanks for listening.

Nobody? No opinions on this at all?

Hard to comment as nobody knows what really happened.

Personally I'd lean towards the "no smoke without fire" conclusion. I doubt she's coming onto him by text if he's given her no encouragement at all in real life, even if it's just banter.

It's possible she's just a bit of a man-eater and he's innocent of it all but at the very least his dropping it sounds a bit weak n suspect to me. Maybe he just enjoyed the attention.

I'd decide if you can live with the doubt or not. If it continues to eat at you then the next obvious step for the good of the marriage is couples therapy to help you both work through the emotions.

Nobody can tell you what to do, it's all just opinions hun.

I think everyone has flirted with someone other than their significant other at some point in their lives. Sounds to me that she was the one who was doing all the flirting tho. I think as long as your husband is happy and you guys aren't having any other problems than your usual disagreement than I wouldn't be worried. Especially since he was so apologetic and went as far as to say you guys can sit down and go through all the msgs together.

If it bothers you that much tho, tell him and I'm sure he'll do the right thing and end their texting relationship..

Yes, their texting relationship has been completely ended. He even completely deleted her out of his phone saying that it just wasn't necessary to have her as a contact anymore and that if she needed anything from him she could send him an email through work.

I'm not feeling threatened or afraid that things will continue or go any further, and as I said, he's been truly wonderful and supportive of my feelings and helping me get over it all... He reassures me over and over that it meant NOTHING... that it was all just for fun.

My problem is learning how to just let it go and move on. Some days I'm fine.... some days the feelings feel as fresh and hurtful as the day I found it all.

I have flirty text conversations with a co-worker quite often. And with an old friend from university (that's >30 years ago...).
A lot of your examples are very similar to what either of us would say to each other.
There has never been any sexual shenanigans between me and either of them.
Heck, the conversations with the uni-friend get seriously personal at times, but it is incredibly unlikely that we'd ever sleep together. We love each other - as friends.

For some, that text-flirting is all they need to satisfy any kind of latent wanderlust. Or just lust ;)

I say it's harmless.
Especially as he obviously loves you very much.