Abit of a situation here..

Hey ladies,
I'm writing this thread today because I'm having issues dealing with a break up to someone I absolutely still love as much as I did the first day I met her. When I say break up I mean, we are on a break. We haven't broken up in the way that would suggest that's it no more, done with sort of thing. We are on a break. We have broke up now for nearly 5 months, it feels like much longer to me. We are planning to have a break for about a year but I'm in no rush as I know she needs this and I need it, it's just, sometimes I can't get past the initial break up bit, it's taken me THIS LONG to accept it and when I say accept it, I'm still looking at her Twitter profiles, I've contacted her 6 times in 5 months which I think is pretty good saying we went from talking EVERYDAY ALL DAY, I'd wake up and have a message, and I'd go to sleep messaging her. There's no doubt how close we became over the 3 years (3 years on September 12th), we came into each other's life in what seems like fate dragging us together, we were both lonely and needy and longing for a relationship with someone amazing. When I say lonely we both have our own lives, she has a decent crowd around her consisting of mainly family members and a best friend and a few work friends and I have a select few friends who I class as genuine, the rest are just acquaintances, ya know, those sort of peeps you never really get to know or knew at one point but don't know anymore exchange pleasantries and never seen them for a year or so, I also have my grandparents around me who have become more like parents to me as my parents are emotionally complicated, the whole adoption thing is something they've never been able to commit to 100% and even though I've raised properly with a well-to-do family, I feel that they wanted their own children and my mother couldn't have them and so, adopted me and my younger brother and as soon as we started growing up, they kinda backed off.. Anyway, I'm not here to give you my life story although I'd love to share it with you.

I'm here because I'm stuck. It's been nearly 5 months and I still get worried and want reassurance from her that everything will be okay. I see my woman as a very strong independent woman, she'd be a great mother and sometimes I see in her what I should of seen in my own mother. I see strength and unrelenting love and understanding and patience. I think what doesn't help is the fact that many months ago I really hurt her, we got into arguments that at the time seemed severe but were just trivial, we'd argue like kids because we spent all day in each other's company even if it was through instant messaging. Now I look back and think how silly and immature we were to go so low and try and pick at each other, she'd literally have moods and be awkward with me and then I'd get annoyed with her and it went round in circles. But because of this vicious cycle, I got even more needy and I just wanted things to be right and the worse it got, the more worse I got and what was happening that I see now anyway is, she was getting depressed slowly but surely. Having lost family members, lost a job, finding out she had inactive AHUS, a really bad really serious rare blood disease which can be triggered through the likes of pregnancy, really high levels of stress or just through nature taking it's course and it's deadly, it's untreatable if it gets so severe. Then she has an under-active thyroid which I'm pretty sure you'll know what that does to a woman, it makes it hell for her to lose weight, and makes it so easy for her to gain weight. I love her whether she is 300lbs or 30, it doesn't matter to me. But to her, it really hurts her and I can tell. Then she was suffering with kidney reflux before I left. And she mentioned recently about something to do with anti-bodies which I looked up is something to do with her immune system? Yeah, she's been dealt a bad hand by the man above, and she's really an angel. She donates blood, she does so much work for charity, awareness of this charity and that charity. She nearly passed out last time she gave blood but she still gives. She recently applied to be an organ donor. The story goes on.

To her, she has one life and she wants to live it as well as she can. She's not in immediate danger but.. it still haunts me and her. So that's a major part of why she went the way she did. And because I wouldn't let go, we got into more arguments about her needing space and because I cared for her and loved her so much and thought about her so much, I thought I'd be by her side all the time through all the bad times. Now I realise, she just needed space. To be ready for me.

I spoke to her recently and she told me that she loves me and cares about me and that I need to give her space and that I need to trust her. Before she mentioned marrying me, it's always something that coming from a traditional Catholic family is coded into her, the whole belief of finding that ONE man who's going to be with her for the rest of her life and having kids and the whole life. I'm all for it, let me tell you, I really am. In fact, it's what I got brought up to want as well, albeit in a very none-religious setting. My parents never went to church. So she's really serious about this. And the more I think about, the more I know I have to back off. She's given me the chance to change, after all the sh*t I've been through in my life, torment, suffering, anger, bitterness. I've been homeless, living from pillar to post, welfare check to welfare check, sofa to sofa, I was a major party animal, taking all the known party drugs; uppers, downers, MDMA, cocaine etc. But that was my youth, and it cost me the start of my adulthood because I had to fix everything I broke. Only in the last few years have I got myself back to normal. I don't do drugs, I don't smoke nor smoke weed, I don't drink, I don't gamble but never did, I don't involve myself with the wrong crowds. I'm a good person now, I've been enlightened and shown the way out and it's no doubt partly down to her as to why I'm on my way to better things.

So I know what I need to know, she's reassured me. She said "I have told you a million times, I love you and I want to be together with you again", clearly she likes to over-exaggerate, but I get the jist of it. I worship the ground she walks on, she's an incredible woman with so much potential. She's taught me to respect and to be patient and that love does exist. We've helped each other so much.

All I need to know, how do I go about helping her out and showing her what she needs to know by leaving her alone? It's been two weeks but I just fear that I'll crack and go back to her and I don't want that to happen.
Any help will be appreciated so much, thanks for reading :)