Conflicted about this girl and need to vent. Advice would be appreciated.
So heres my story. I recently met this girl about 2 months ago but we started talking about 5 weeks ago and I have been falling for her pretty fast. I'm not much of a social person but with this girl I feel like I can be myself and open up to her. We get along so well, as if she manifested straight from my dreams. Shes everything I'd imagine the perfect girl for me would be like. We fit each other so well it's like we were put on this earth to be with each other. I truly feel a special connection with her that I've never felt with anybody in my life.
But that's where the fairy tale ends. She has a boyfriend that shes been with for about a year. Even though she does, I swear she is into me. She shows all the signs that shes interested in me, but at the same time I think she really loves her boyfriend.
At first, I tried giving her hints that I was into her but now I am really getting tired of it. I enjoy her company so much and I would give up almost anything to have a chance with her but I'm slowly deciding to try and just erase her out of my mind in fear of becoming "just friends" with her.
We hung out last night and a conversation struck up about dating. For some stupid reason the first thing I decide to say was that I was talking to another girl even though I wasn't. I wanted to see if she would get sort of jealous if I mentioned another girl. She told me that it was really cute but I could tell she felt uncomfortable and it brought her spirits down. Although I succeeded in making her sort of jealous, I feel like I just killed any chances of ever being with her. I have no idea why I said that looking back. My mouth seems to have a mind of it's own when talking to girls and I never think before I say. I tried to cover it up by saying I'm attracted to that "girl" but I could never see myself being with that "girl".
I am so conflicted and I feel completely lost. One day I will want to talk to her and hang out with her all day but the next I will convince myself to forget her since she already has a boyfriend. Part of me tells me to continue to pursue her in hopes that one day she will break up with him and I can have my chance. Another part of me tells me just to just completely forget that she ever existed. Every time I succeed in blocking her out of my mind, one text, or one look at her and I find myself falling all over again. It's like a vicious cycle.
I plan on hanging out with her one more time and telling her upfront that I have feelings for her. This could either end up good (she has feelings for me too and her boyfriend and her haven't been getting along) or this could end up bad (shes in love with her boyfriend and things will become awkward and my chances with her are gone for good) I am 90% sure it will be the second outcome but I really can't hold my feelings in any longer.
Understand that I'm kind of anti social. For me to find a girl that I feel this comfortable with and this attracted to is very rare. In my whole 19 years of my life I've only had one girlfriend which didn't really last long. I feel like I'm losing hope in relationships since I always seem to mess something up when it comes to girls.
Half of me says I messed up big time with this girl because I wasn't too clear about my feelings from the start and I told her I was talking to another girl. The other half of me tells me that it's not my fault and I didn't mess up. She has a boyfriend and there is really nothing I could've done to make this relationship work. I've been stressing out about a lot of things in my life at the moment and she was the only one that helped give me confidence to tackle my problems. But now it seems like shes doing the opposite.The one time I meet the perfect girl, she has a boyfriend and who knows when I'll meet another girl like her. I know I'm a tough person to love. And I guess I just have a fear of being alone. Not being accepted. Never finding anyone that could love me for me. As far as friends go, I dont have a problem with them. I have plenty of friends since I'm always so nice to everyone. But when it comes to girlfriends I'm clueless. I'm pretty sure there are girls like her out there but for some reason this one girl has got a hold of me and I can't break the grip.
So what do you guys think? Am I really this bad with girls? Or was I chasing something that could've never happened. I really want to believe that that the circumstances were just wrong and I had no control over it, but I'm really losing hope when it comes to relationships. Maybe they just aren't for me.
