Please help me. I am so depressed and panicky. **long story**

* What I am about to tell you will show how foolish I was/am.*

I met this guy online through language exchange. He’s French. I am 30 and he’s 34. I am in America and he’s in France. I am highly intelligent and based on what my male buddies say, I am a cutesy – cute and sexy in one. He’s average-looking and seriously, is not someone I’d usually fall for.

We video chatted over one year. We developed great rapport and shared a lot. During this time, he started flirting with me sexually, but then he stopped, saying it’s not a right thing to do to a good friend. Meanwhile, I did get a sense that he has a strong sexual appetite. He even admitted it himself. He said it’s hard to control. He’s ultra-sensitive to any female sound and touch. When he’s stressed, he jerks off.

This year I flew to France and stay with him for 2 months. (Please don’t judge me on this; I know I was foolish.) During this time, we had sex. While it’s great to him, it’s not that great for me. He was a bit rough and I bled afterwards. I even went to an emergency room to rule out any abnormal complications, but I was given a clean bill of health. This happened 2 more times. (Again, please don’t judge me.) Only after returning to USA, I found out through my gyno that my cervix was bruised.

He’s really a sweet and sensitive guy, albeit immature, no money budgeting skills, resorting to parental bailout, etc. I knew by observing him in real life during this 2 month period, he’s not the one for me. I even met his parents, a very kind couple who have done a lot for him but knows little about what he’s up to. After returning to US, I mentioned to him about my bruised cervix. He disappeared from me for 2 days. Later he called me from France sounding sad and distraught. We patched things up and started talking on Skype again.

Meanwhile, I noticed his Skype conversations revolved around sex all the time – asking for my naked pics, sending his naked videos, porn site links, live sex chats, etc. He still messaged me with caring words though. However, I finally had enough and proposed to him that we have platonic friendship and lied about wanting to see an old boyfriend. He accepted that and respected my wish. A good gentleman.

Well, serendipitously, I found out he had registered on this web site for romance/flirting and relationship through a mutual friend. Long story short. He’s sexually starved or relationship-crazed to the point that he’d invited sexy girls he met online without even seeing their faces on Skype to verify identities to his home. (He did not know I knew.)

I decided to cut all ties with him since apparently he'd moved on and I needed to, too. I sent him a nice message on my decision. Well, guess what? He messaged, emailed, and called from France telling me he did not want to lose me, sounding very sad. So being soft-hearted, I took him back. Honestly, he had been respectful to me when we talked.

2-3 weeks passed. I just don’t think I can get over what he’s doing online while hanging on to me. I wrote him a good-bye message again. I stayed silent for 3 days; again, he messaged, emailed, and phoned with messages such as “I miss you a lot. We share a lot and exchange a lot. I don’t want to lose you. When I talk to xxx, I think of you.”. I relented and stay in touch with him. He's been talking to me almost every day on non-sex topics. BTW, I never told him I knew what he's doing online.

The rational side of me tells me I need to cut all ties and move on. The irrational side of me makes me miss him for his sweet and caring attitudes and second guess my decision at rejecting him as a potential long-term boyfriend. I guess the reason why my irrational side is taking over atm is because he has not mentioned sex once and has been respectful to me as a friend after my proposal of being platonic friends.

But why all this 'I miss you a lot' stuff? I cannot help but think......I am just a backup option for the time being. When he finds another catch from the ‘internet’, he will disappear; hence the ultimate revenge weapon against me.


I am a highly intelligent woman in the science field. I am a mess in the relationship department. I know I need to move on. I have enough suitors in USA to worry about this.

Why am I feeling pains and anxiety when I don’t hear from him even for a day? This makes no logical sense.

PLEASE GIVE ME ENCOURAGING WORDS & ADVICE. PLEASE BE STRAIGHTSHOOTERS. PLEASE LET ME KNOW MY INSTINCT ON THIS GUY IS CORRECT FROM THE GET-GO! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!