Being in love with someone you're not physically attracted to?

Let me preface this thread by saying at age 22, I've never had anything I would consider a real relationship.

I'm a huge extrovert and a very sociable person. However, due to the nature of my work, it's impossible to meet women. I then resort to the nightlife and parties where I have the opportunity to meet a lot of women. I have had my fair share of hookups and one-night-stands, but nothing with a real emotional connection.
I'd consider myself a guy with a good heart and a lot to give, and occasionally I end up with a girl who sticks around long enough for it to become a "fling", but eventually she'll soon realize that either I'm not someone she could have feelings for or she simply doesn't want a relationship. Even my friends say that despite my confidence and ability to meet women, I have the worst luck with women.

So I decided to give online dating a go. I recently went out on a date with a girl and we clicked so well that we ended up making love on that same night. Ever since then, she's become so attached to me. Only issue is that I'm not physically attracted to her. I'd consider myself decent physically as I do put in the effort of going to the gym to stay in shape, while she is somewhat chubby.
Apart from her appearance, I've never met someone I could have such a strong emotional connection with, someone who is so unconditionally affectionate towards me and just loves everything about me. To me, she almost seems like the perfect girl. Almost.
It's just sad that everytime she looks straight into my eyes and tells me how physically attractive I am to her, I've never done the same to her because I know I'd be lying to both her and myself. I know it makes me sound so shallow, but I can't stop wishing she's sexually attractive to me so my eyes will never wander somewhere else.

What should I do? I know this makes me seem like such a terrible person, but I figured that I'd have to be honest with my problem if I'm seeking advice for it.


Thanks in advance!

Hello Krusty Krab

You haven't said how long you've been with this girl? Are you worried that people around you are shallow and what there opinions of her will be? My advice to be completely honest is beauty is only skin deep, you could be with the most physically attractive girl in the world & she could treat you like dirt. I'm 43 & I'll be honest when I was your age I was only interested in how good looking a guy was, I learned the hard way! A lot of them although I thought they were gorgeous were complete idiots or ridiculously boring. If you love the girl then in time you will also love the way she looks.

Women don't trust you coz your a player. You have given yourself a bad rep and created a stigma so now women only come to you after a heartbreak or when they are emotionally unavailable hence why they only stick around for a short time. Occasionally you will attract unattractive ones with low self esteem who don't feel they can do any better.

If you want the whole package then you have a hell of a lot to change about you first.

Hi VJ,

Thanks for your prompt response. As pathetic as it sounds we've only known each other for a couple of days. However, she really wants to be in a relationship and she knows well enough that I do too.

Good sex is pretty important to me in a relationship, and she has also explicitly stated that it is to her too (another thing we have in common). However, I can foresee this becoming a struggle if I don't even find myself attracted to her.

My lifestyle puts me in the vicinity of a lot of potentially attractive females and that will lead to a lot of temptation, which is what I want to avoid if I were to be committed to her.

I would admit that if she loses a good couple of pounds, I would find her much more attractive. However, everyone knows that weight is such a sensitive topic to bring up. What if she's content the way she is? It would be very selfish for me to impose physical changes on her for my sake.



Hi Michelle,

I don't feel it's fair for you to make such remarks since you don't know me personally. I don't carry such a reputation, and even if I did, it would be completely irrelevant since these "relationships" do not occur within the same circle of people.

If change is really what I need, then that's one of the reasons why I've been trying to find someone I can commit to.

Hello Krusty Krab

Ok believe me when I say this, a few months down the line if the love continues to grow then her looks will really not be important. The love of my life ( who I'm no longer with but there is still hope) when I first saw him I thought ewwww, really don't know if I can go out with you (I have also been told that I am extremely physically attractive though I don't see it) anyway I did go out with him cos I thought he was a nice guy, fast forward two months & I thought he was Adonis. Seriously looks while are important to attract a mate, have no bearing on a true relationship.

If you're thinking about staying with someone for a long time, Physically attractive isn't that important.

One of my friend married her husband for love. They were together for 3-4yrs before they got married. She told me that she isn't physically attractive to him, but she love his sense of humor and his personality.
They've been married for couple of yrs now and they're still very happily married.

Yes, looks are important, but look isn't everything. if you don't have good sense of humor, good personality the relationship will probably not going to last long time.
People age and changes their physical appearance.

When you say a good couple of pounds, do you actually mean a few pounds? Or a FEW pounds? Is she obese or just a bit over the ideal?

Either way - I think physical attraction is important. I dated a shorter guy once (I prefer tall men) and even though we have a great deal in common and he was very sweet, I didn't look at him in 'that' way...things fizzled out before they really began. It's true, looks become secondary later down the track - someone you actually get along with is invaluable. But you can't force something; it's unfair to her since eventually, I think she'll put 2 and 2 together and figure it out.

I guess you'll have to think about it; a romantic relationship generally can't be based on friendship alone. You need to look at someone and find them beautiful, both inside/out.