My [19F] ex brokeup with me [22M] after 2 years because she wanted to be alone
The first time we broke up was 8/17/14. It caught me by surprise, but at the same time, it didn't. I had been becoming increasingly consumed by work and school and somewhat neglecting my girlfriend's needs. She had actually threatened to dump me if things didn't change for nearly 2 months before she finally did it. I was being a ty boyfriend. She was struggling through depression and I would tell her sometimes that the stress was too much for me and that I couldn't always be there to talk. That was probably the worst thing I could have ever done though and I feel so horrible for it. And then it was also the small things that I failed to do. I wouldn't compliment her much, I wouldn't plan for us to do things when we met up. I was basically going with the flow.
A good way to put it was that I wasn't doing anything to actively be a bad boyfriend, but I was failing to do anything to be a good one. I was complacent.
At the same time, I would have occasional doubts that she might not be the one for me. This was my first serious relationship, and the girl I lost my virginity to.
I guess it took me a month after her dumping me and me talking to some women, using Tinder and going on a date and an extremely drunken night full of tears to realize what the heck I had done. I'm usually good at learning from my mistakes quickly, but I don't know why the heck I waited so long to learn with my girlfriend.
Anyhow, so the drunken night full of tears was 9/21. I didn't text her or make any decisions or actions that night though but I did basically say to my roommate how she was what I wanted. It was somewhat embarrassing but it was just me and my roommate and we're tight. I tried to just ignore it and didn't talk about what had happened for the week, but I still felt the same by Thursday so I decided.. I wanted to get my girl back.
One thing I screweded up on was I failed to take her to a Renaissance Fair one year and it was a huge screwup on my part. So I decided I'd take her to the Renaissance Fair that weekend, I'd dress up, I'd write her a poem, I'd go the whole 9 yards. And I did! The fair went awesome, it just so happened to be the "Romantic Theme" weekend, which I was unaware of so everyone was telling us what a cute couple we were. I bought her a rose and a hair piece while we were there. I waited until the end of the day to read her my poem (another small thing I failed to do in our past relationship. It's the thought that counts, and just because I think I suck at writing them, doesn't mean I shouldn't try). So I read the poem and asked her to get back with me. She was unsure and we walked around and hung out for another half an hour and she said yes.
It was later that night (we got a hotel room to spend the night together and celebrate) that she said she was feeling doubt and that maybe she jumped back in this thing too quickly. At that, she said she had a small crush on another kid in one of her classes now. This all really sucked but I basically said she should take the week to figure things out.
We agree that she will come up and visit my apartment the next weekend and trip acid (I've only done acid once before and had a bad experience so it meant a lot to her that I trusted her enough to trip with her). So she came up and we did trip. I got her some lingerie (another damn thing I failed to do.. in 1 year and 8 months I never bought her a nice damn piece of lingerie. How could I have been so stupid?), set up candles, got some cannabis oil as a treat (we both toke a lot, but oil is rare around here), and made her some shiskabobs. I kid you not, it was the perfect night. And she agreed. She was amazed. She noticed that every small thing that used to peeve her about the relationship before.. I fixed it.
Well, come Monday she says she still has her doubts. She just can't do it. She still doesn't feel committed and says she feels a certain sadness/darkness when we're together and I'm not there. (I only see her on weekends since we live 1.5 hours away from each other but I'm moving back into the same town July, 2015).
We just broke up for good 10/6, so it's been almost a full week now but I saw her yesterday to drop some things off and we had a short conversation where I basically just wanted to make sure this is what she wanted to do. She said she still loves me, no doubt. But that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. She just wants to be alone. She also said that there is a part of her that worries that she'd just be giving me another chance and that she's not sure I deserved another one after she had given me like.. 2 months of warning before doing it the first time. She said it has nothing to do with trying to find other guys thankfully.
So now it's done.. I want to know if I did the right thing and also help understanding it. In the beginning of the relationship, she was head over heels and I was uncommitted. The last week we were together in October, I was head over heels and she was uncommitted. Damn. She said it'll probably be a year or so until she would feel better (but who knows, could be dramatically longer or shorter) and I told her that I probably wouldn't be able to talk to her for 6 months or so (I can't just be friends with her, at least not now. I fall in love with her more and more everytime I see her). I said that if she ever feels ready, to contact me and see how I am doing but that my only stipulations are: 1.) You haven't slept with anyone else and 2.) You're not hitting me up to be in the friend-zone. She felt that was fair. Do you guys? Obviously I'll hold myself to the same standard.
My plan now is to just focus on myself. Keep working out, eat healthy, work harder and school harder. I can't wait for her. But at the same time there is still a big part of me that hopes she'll come back though.. How long will that last? I think part of the problem is we broke up so... smoothly. On such good terms. We still have mad love for each other.
I was using Tinder for a bit but it felt off. So I'm gonna stay out of the game for awhile. I'll passively meet women of course still.
tl;dr: Dating for 1 year 8 months. During last 2 months I was being a lazy boyfriend and failed to heed the warnings from my girlfriend that if my behavior didn't improve, she'd break up with me. So 8/17, she dumps me. 9/21 I have a drunken night and learn my mistakes and decide to get my girl back. 9/27, I give her the perfect day and ask to have her back. She says yes. Through the next two weeks, despite both me and her agreeing I was blowing her mind with how perfect of a boyfriend I was being, she was still having doubts. 10/6 she decides because the doubts are still there, she wants to break it off. She needs some time alone and to focus on work and school and not the stress of a relationship. She still loves me at the same time. How the hell do I handle this?
