This is probably so weird, but here goes...

Hey. So short story. I'm 21, I'm gay, it's a secret, and no one knows. I can't get over this guy who used to be my friend when I was 18 in college.

Long story. So I've always been the quiet, reserved time. When I was 18 in college I took up smoking, this one other guy there used to smoke aswell. I was known to be quiet and awkward amongst the other students. This guy used to always chat to me and have my back We got close as friends, and we hung out a lot. Honestly, he taught me so much about life, before I met him I had no life experiences and I had no idea about life and the whole outside world.

Anyways, I eventually fell for him, but of course I never told anyone. He's straight, he currently has a girlfriend. The more I fell for him, the more crazier I seemed to get. It got to a point where I used to always come to college having had a bit of a drink. I used to think it was 'cool' and it would impress him (I was naive and had no idea about life). I used to try and act like a big bad man to win his respect.

For about 4 months or so he really tried to help me stop drinking and think normally. Of course I never ever told him the real reason why I was acting strange. He eventually turned against me, embarrassed me infront of the college and removed me from Facebook. This was heartbreaking for me. The first person I ever fell for, and it ended like this. I was crushed. After about a year I started to get over it, I went to a new college met some new people. I seen him a year ago, and we had a nice little chat. I tried re-adding him on Facebook after this, he didn't accept. I didn't care though I was over him by then.

I haven't been in college for a year and a half now, and don't meet new people very often. But I have sorted my life out. I'm completely sober. I have a car now and a lot of money, and I feel so accomplished and feel like I've overcome so much. But I just really miss him now. It's not even sexual anymore, I miss him as a friend. I'd love to have one last chat with him, see what he's up to - or at least show him the new me and show him I wasn't that alcoholic badman I was pretending to be.

Recently, my sleep has been getting slightly disrupted because of me thinking back to how I messed our friendship up last time. I'm remembering everything he taught me about life, and I want to see him again. He's a very popular guy, he has a girlfriend, I doubt he even remembers me that much? Would he want to speak to me? Would he start suspecting I'm gay and laugh?

Please help? Am I normal? What should I do? I don't want this to take over my life.

You tried re adding him on facebook and he didn't accept. That should tell you the answer right there. I know it was a year ago, but still. I just don't think he's gonna change that much from then. He had his reasons why he didn't add you and those reasons are probably still there. Any more contacting him at this point would push him away more. I'm sorry but I just don't believe u when u say you just miss his friendship. Your not being honest with yourself if u really believe that. U know u still have some feelings. You were obsessed with him. And u will probably get obsessed again and start this pattern all over again if u start taking to him again. This is all a fantasy. Fantasy. He doesn't have feelings for you. You will never be with him. He's not your Prince Charming. You can't just be friends. You are only trying to hurt yourself. Don't contact him. Continue moving forward in life, not try and take a step back.

I know this isn't necessarily easy, nor the answer you probably want to hear, but it would really be best to just keep things the way they are. First off, no matter how much you may think you can like him just as a friend, it is too likely that will cease to be the case if you do begin to see him again. You had feelings for him, and it is very possible you could just cause them to come back up again. As far as you know, he is not gay or bi and even has a girlfriend. So, you would be putting yourself through unnecessary pain and suffering. It is best just to keep your distance.

There is a guy out there for you somewhere. He will be everything you liked in this guy and maybe even more, but he will also be gay. Don't let yourself get hung up on somebody you cannot have. If you could see being just friends with him, that would be one thing. However, you did try to add him back on Facebook and he didn't accept. So, that is a sign that he does not necessarily want to be friends again. He may no longer harbor any ill will, but he may just think it is best for you to remain casual acquaintances at best.

Good luck. I hope you do someday find the right guy for you.