having a rough day

just need to vent.

so i didn't take the first 3 months of the breakup seriously because i knew he'd be back. i mean, it hurt like hell, and i didn't really know what was going on with him. however, i knew the relationship was a good one, and i also knew that, even though i had my faults, love, compassion, and kindness were my default mode. i was good to him, and he regularly told me he thought i was amazing - as recently as 3 hours before he broke up with me.

he ignored me for 3 months, then "checked in" for my birthday. i was guarded, but i told him i missed him, i loved him, i wanted him back, but i wasn't going to press the issue. we kept things light and fluffy for a few weeks. i went out of town with friends, and he got all flirty with me via text. we were face-to-face for the first time since the breakup when he came by that weekend to help with a project at my house. i had other people over to help too, but he made sure he and i were working together the whole time. he initiated physical contact - a hug, touches on the stomach or arm, kissed my neck when we were saying goodbye. 2 days of this. sounds really hopeful, right? i was still guarded but excited.

then i get an email from him the night of that second day saying that he can only be a friend to me.

wtf?!?!

i called him. told him i didn't deserve a text breakup. i didn't deserve to be ignored for 3 months. and i didn't deserve yet another vague blow off. wtf was so damn horrible that he couldn't put a name to it? he wouldn't say specifically. just that he didn't think a future with me would work. i asked him if he wanted a relationship. he said yes. i asked what he wanted from a relationship. he listed a whole bunch of things that we had together. i said so you want a relationship with someone like me who just doesn't have any sh*t going on in their life at all. he said "i'm not chasing a dream."

but he wanted to be friends. i told him i couldn't be friends. that i'd spent the last 3 months praying that he'd come back to me, and i just wasn't in a place emotionally that i could be friends with him. i couldn't be okay with him dating other people.

my daughter had a scheduled surgery the next day, and i got a series of texts from him first thing in the morning. i ignored them, but then i started feeling like an ass - he was just concerned about her - so i responded to tell him she was okay. he sent me more texts, and i felt like i'd opened pandora's box. all responses were short, precise, giving nothing more than asked. then he sent me a text telling me he missed me, and i'd had enough. i called him and asked him wth we were doing because i'd been very clear with what i could/could not give to him. he told me he loved me and he was scared. but he still wanted to be broken up and didn't want to consider working on whatever the hell it was that caused all of this. i could hear the emotion in his voice when he asked if we could talk later. for someone that boasts that he's never cried over a girl, it was a pretty powerful thing. i got a text later that night that he'd fallen asleep, and he'd call me the next day.

then it was like the breakup all over again. he ignored me for a month. until he deigned to grace me with his attention a couple weeks ago. i was pissed, and i let him know it. he gave more concrete reasons for breaking up with me.

1 - my house was a mess. and it was. never the bug/rodent kind of filthy, but everyone has a bad habit of taking things out without putting it away. that said, i kinda had an idea this was part of it. it's a fight i've had with previous boyfriends, and i'd decided it wasn't worth having this fight anymore. i donated a lot to goodwill. anything that needed fixing was either fixed or thrown away. all of my daughter's stuff has been evicted from the living areas of the house, and her mess is confined to her room. people remark on how beautiful my house looks when they come by. not going to lie, it's a good feeling. it's not perfect, and i just created a chore chart/schedule for everyone to help do their part. it has been going well so far. the point is that i know that i'm a work in progress. i always will be. he should have had the balls to say "i need this" instead of deciding for me that i couldn't do it.

2 - my brother and nephew are living with me, and he's worried that my brother might need a place to stay in another 10, 20, 30 years. i won't even defend this. he's my baby brother. if he needs me, i'm there for him. within reason of course. i understand that too much help is harmful, and he knows fairly well what he can and can't ask me for. he might be my baby brother, but he's still a 35-yr-old man - and i expect him to act like one. besides, no one can predict what will/won't happen decades out. christopher reeve and his wife certainly didn't expect him to spend the last years of his life in a wheelchair. does my ex want someone who will check out when things get hard or someone dependable who's going to honor her love and her commitments to those she cares for?

and that's it. i sh*t you not.

and here i am, though i realize it's time to let go and do the moving on and healing that i didn't do before, i still hope he'll stop being an idiot. and i'm mad at myself for that.

I'm sorry your going through this.
It really sounds like this guy has problems. I think his chances are expired now. If you keep taking someone back, they learn that they can treat you badly.

Love hurts. It does. It has to be one of the most painful things anyone has to go through. It is true though that time heals all wounds. While healing focus on other things, a new sport, a new hobby, volunteer. Focus on yourself. Goodluck!

dear rough day,

yeah he does sound rather wishy washy and with a house and home and a child to raise having a man like this just doesn't seem stable enough for what you need. you know, he might not stop being an idiot and you just may have to show the bottom of your boot. Own it. You might miss him from time to time but there's someone else out there when your ready, you'll find him or he'll find you

Can totally sympathise with you right now, going through something very similar. Im learning thou not to let the pull affect me, I'm learning that as im moving on he's the one that's struggling to let go. But the most important thing I'm learning is to stop giving other people power in my life. Hope things get better for you chick.