Can anybody please help me with a relationship issue, I'd be very grateful for advice
In March I met the most amazing person in the world. To me she is just above perfect. She is so caring, sweet, funny, understanding, has an amazing personality and she is just so beautiful I can't believe it. We are so alike, we get on well and we both want the same things out of life. I figured that since it's the things we don't do we regret the most so I worked up the courage to tell her exactly how I felt and was really amazed when she said that she kind of liked me too. There was one night where I told her that I loved her and was really upset when she said she just wanted to be friends, I felt even worse when she asked if I was upset because that made her upset and making her upset is the last thing I would ever want to do. A few nights later though she got really drunk and started saying how much she loved me too and told me never to give up on her - which by the way I would never do, I'll die first - which was a really upsetting night too because I wondered why she couldn't say it sober, but then I thought back to stories she told me of an old boyfriend who was an absolute dick and figured maybe she couldn't say it because she was scared in case she got hurt.
We never went a day without speaking unless there was a good reason, and speaking with her will always make my day, no matter what happens that day. I could win the lottery and it would still have been a shit day if we didn't speak that day. I love talking to her, so much, more than anything else in the world, I would sacrifice any kind of holiday or activity or day out if I could just stay in and talk. We used to talk for hours and hours on end. Even into the early hours of the morning. Shortly before her birthday came up I spent a good few days writing a poem to give her, I can still remember it off by heart. I can show you if you'd like to see.
She meant so so so much more to me than I think she realised. I never really told her this because I was too afraid to, but before we met I was a pretty sad guy, I don't really have that many friends and I'm not the best at socialising. Not the best is an understatement, I'm shit at socialising. To give an example of that I have 10 numbers in my phone, 10, and that includes the voicemail number, family members numbers, my number because I’ll forget and takeaway numbers. I was failing most of my classes at school. I never really felt I was a good enough person before I met her, I would never really go out often because I really didn't feel comfortable with it, I could spend days on end just sitting in my room not talking because I felt safe and calm. Although those feelings were met with loneliness, depression and isolation. Even my family, I have a great family and they're all really caring but I can never feel like I can actually talk to any of them. I feel really sad to say this but even though I had some friends, I felt my one true friend was my dog Jemma. Jemma would never let me down or made me angry or upset, that's why 99% of the times I go out its just for a walk with Jemma.
That’s another why she means so much to me. She gives me a reason to smile, to laugh, and to get up in the morning, to be happy. She is my inspiration, my reason to want to try and do better with things in life. She's my reason for actually waking up when I don't have school to get up for. I have never met anyone who had that effect so I knew right away she was special. I so wish I had told her this back when we first met, I'm sure it would have made a difference because this is now what has came back around and ****ed up everything.
For a short while I was having nightmares about losing her, they really depressed me and I am really glad they eventually stopped. I can tell you about them if you want to hear about them.
Everything was going great, every day was getting better and better than the last. I would keep on telling her how I felt and although the only times she ever said she loved my was when she was really drunk I truly did feel like our relationship was getting stronger and stronger. She even said she gets jealous thinking about me with another girl which was really sweet, that is something I never hope will happen.
We talked about meeting up and we were both looking forward to it a lot. We both live in Britain, me in Scotland and her in England so luckily it wasn’t that far away, only a 15-hour journey. In order to be able to pay for it I got a summer job doing a ton of manual labour, it was really not nice but worth it. I did other stuff to save up some money too like cancelling subscriptions and not having any lunch some days. In the months leading up to it I was super paranoid that me being who I used to be would make it awkward if I was like that again and I tried to tell her about it a few times but I just couldn't. I eventually stopped just saying that I thought it would be awkward - although I did admit that I was nervous but that's understandable - because I was worried it was starting to upset her, like I was having second thoughts or something.
We tried talking on the phone but we didn't have the best of luck with that because every time we tried things kept going wrong; my phone went all weird; bad signal from the bus; I hardly had any credit; late meetings, things like that. This is probably the single most stupid thing I have ever done and I will never let myself forget this but I said "maybe phone calls will be better after we meet". Why I thought that I will never know because that proves that I am the direct cause for ruining the greatest thing in my life.
We finally met after such a long wait and I had an amazing time but I was constantly conscious of her, she never seemed to be fully enjoying herself and that was really saddening. I struggled to keep any conversation going and I hate myself for that, what makes it even worse is that we talked about that last night and in a panic tried to take the blame off of me. I wish now I had confessed about who I was back when we first met because I'm confident that would have made a massive difference. I could have even told her last night but I didn't because anything I said would have sounded like an excuse. I pinned the blame solely on the lack of voice contact we had which I know for a fact would have made a huge difference but the real fault was with me.
Another thing I feel really terrible about is that during the week I spent with her, on the final day when I had to leave, wasn’t able to show up. She was ill and couldn’t make it there and at first all I cared about was my own selfishness. When she told me I didn’t even ask if she was okay or gave her my best wishes and that still haunts me to this day. I didn't really have a lot of money with me so at the end I had to pretty much budget my money for food and activities and stuff. After Sunday night I took all the money I had left for my meals and something to drink and used it to get her a fancy Thorntons set. I just couldn't believe it when the bus was leaving and I was headed home with it still in my hands, in my head a little part of me still though she’d be there for a goodbye. I just left it on a seat in the station when I changed buses in London.
Now I feel like she doesn't even want to speak with me anymore and its really scary because she is the most precious person in my life, we've had very little conversation since I got back and its just not the same. Its like she doesn't want to carry on any type of conversation anymore, for example if I ask her how she's doing she used to say something like "I'm really good thank you, how’s you?" but now its just "Yeahh good ta". She’s replying but there's no back-and-forth like there used to be. I wish we could go back to the conversations we used to have. If we do I know they wont be the kind we had just before we met, but maybe just the kind we had a few months back and then we can work forward again. I want to be able to wish her a good morning and a goodnight without feeling like she doesn't give a shit.
I'm really really scared that any day now she'll just be gone, she'll come online every now and then just for a second or two and each time I panic and think "is this it" and then I have to check to see if she's removed me as a friend or not. I know sometimes in the past I've over-panicked with things but now I am genuinely terrified that she will just cut me out of her life without so much as a proper goodbye. I can't even begin to imagine the level of disappointment she had and it’s really awful to think about, I feel like I really let her down. I really don't know what to do; I feel like a part of me is being ripped out, I'll do anything to keep her in my life.
