Introvert wooing another introvert
Hi, Im a 35 yr old male introvert. My introversion doesn't inhibit me from being socialable, and I love to have a good laugh, but it does mean that I tend to overthink things, and I have quite a serious outlook. I have been working as a chef for 15 years, however recently I had to take a break from my profession, because 4 years ago my youngest brother passed away, in a rather traumatic manner, which was hard on my whole family, but especially so on me and my mother, as we are the ones who discovered his body. It was extremely difficult to handle. I gave up full time employment for a year whilst grieving, and took on various casual work jobs, just to get my head back together. So after 2 years I finally got the itch to start cooking again. I started a new job in my current kitchen. All the staff are great, and I really enjoy the enviroment. I love the banter, and everyone is a good laugh generally, so it makes me happy that I have I found such a great job. Anyway thats the brief background, I'll get to my point.
When I first started my job, I seemed to have a new found drive to get with someone, and quickly started the process of observation to estabilish who was single, compared with who I fancy (a shortlist, if you like). This is most uncharacteristic, as usually I'm easy going, and don't really immediately go out a hunting. I eventually narrowed it down to a girl who I thought was most probably too young at first, but seen as there wasn't anyone of similar age available, also she seemed mature for her age, I thought "what the hell, just go for it". For the duration of this post I will call this girl H.
I started by observing her personality/behaviour at first, coupled with general compliments. She seemed to be recieving my compliments well, and also seemed to be kind of attracted to me. So as my confidence around her grew, things seemed to be going well I thought. Her 18th birthday was coming up, so I decided to get her a card. I put alot of intent into the message inside, and composed a really heartfelt poem, not romantic, just nice and special. I didn't give anything away about my interest in her, but figured seen as virtually nobody composes poems anymore, she would hopefully grasp I might be into her. It was recieved well, and she seemed really happy when she thanked me for it, which put a smile on my face. Things were going well, but I really didn't know either way.
Now in hindsight, this is the point where I started to make a few mistakes. Also around this time a few of my work mates started goading me a bit, saying things like "I've seen the way she looks at you mate, its the law of attraction." It really was annoying, and because I desperately needed to know if she was into me or not , I started to ask her freinds if they knew anything. One night after shift I asked her best friend if she knew, who told me "I think she likes you as a person, but I really don't know." Another night after I had finished my shift, H was working on the bar, so I stayed for few drinks to talk to her. After a couple of drinks, I decided this was the time to ask her out. Being an introvert its difficult. Whilst outside having a smoke, one of her friends had finished her shift and as she was leaving, I made the mistake of asking her if she knew if H liked me. She chuckled to herself, and replied "You'll have to find out yourslef, won't you?". Ok, I thought I probably deserved that. I didn't end up actually asking her out that night, as it didn't feel right. However, a few days later at work I finally found out the answer. She walked right upto me in the kitchen, bold as brass and told me, "I really don't want you to ask me out, I don't like you like that, your nice, but not like that." Ouch I thought, but responded "Ok, no worries, I was kinda feeling that anyway" and smiled, she smiled back.
After she knocked me back, and don't get me wrong I really respected her honesty. I had to revert my feelings for her, so obviously the compliments stopped, and my behaviour towards her changed. I didn't believe so at the time, but I guess I came over as being icy towards her. There was a long period of ackwardness. I even accused her of being A-sexual, which really didn't go down well. I feel bad about that.
This period of wierdness lasted a few months, but finally we sorted out our differences at least enough for us to be cordial with each other. And so it went on. I eventually stopped fancying her, and we ended up being able to work really well together. It was actually pretty cool, as it gave me a chance a to get to know her better as a person without any pressure to flirt with her, as I knew exactly where I stood, she didn't fancy me.
However that was then, and this is now. A few little things have happened which individually may seem like nothing, but stacked together makes me wonder if maybe now she does like me afterall, or maybe she's matured and started to see me in a new light. Let me run you through them.
Three months ago I injured my hand at work, it was rather severe, damaging two of my tendons, which resulted in me being off work for 2 months during the summer, our busiest time of year at work, and also the time when H was back from university. Nearing the end of my sick period, I popped into work with my parents to hand a sick note in, both H and her best friend (who I'm going to call H2) were working that day. We wound up ordering a meal there, as my father was hungry. Whilst eating our meal I overheard H2 say to H, "He looks alright doesn't he?" To which H replied "I know, but I can't do anything about it now can I?" This seemed strange at the time. Later when I got home, I analysed the situation, and couldn't help but get a little excited, when I came to realise what this may have meant. Were they checking me out I wondered. Then I started to remember how H had gradually started to warm to me over the the previous months. Making a point to laugh at my jokes etc. I also remembered a time when she bent forwards right in front of me to clear down the waitress section in the kitchen. It seemed odd, as me and two of the other chefs were stood at the end of hotplate discussing the next weeks shift rota. She specifically chose that moment to bend over in front of all three of us. And to be blunt, give us an eyefull of her bottom. At the time I had shrugged it off as some sort of self empowerment general flirt with all three of us. Now I wonder though if it had been directed at me.
With all this in mind, I concluded that maybe she was giving me a second look, and that possibly she was offering me another chance. Or then again, It may just be my imagination getting the better of me. I told myself that when I go back to work I shall be a bit more observant of her behaviour towards me, to see if I could notice any differences.
I'd like to point out here some important things that I have learnt about her over the last two years. I learned unmistakable that she's an introvert just like myself. Quite often I will notice her just staring into space drifting off into her own world. She is also conscientious, sincere, friendly, polite, and has an absolutely gorgeous heart. Which makes her even more attractive, as our personalites are very similar. Sexually she seems a little unusal for her age, she will be 20 next month. However, she has never had a boyfriend, not even at school. She has never been on a date. Before my failed attempt to woo her, two other chefs, before my time, had also attempted to gain interest from her, without any success. One of my work mates even gave her the nickname "The ice maiden". And tagged her impossible to pull. She has had sexual encounters with less than a handful of lads. So clearly is in no-way slaggy, but I can't help but wonder how on earth she is still single. She really is rather attractive physically, and her soul is simply too beautiful for words. In the early months, while I was getting to know her, I often wondered if maybe she was a lesbian, or at least bi-sexual. Its quite rare for someone that attractive to have never had a boyfriend, especially at school. So all sorts of things were running through my mind trying to work her out, hence my a-sexual theory. I finally ended up giving up trying to work her out, as it really didin't matter, it appeared that i was never going to get a chance her with. So like I said above, we formed a cordial professional relationship at work, which was nice. Sometimes it comes up it in convesation at work that she sometimes whinges about not being able to get any interest from anyone. Her younger sister who also works there has told me she moans about being single, and tells her she feels like she'll never get a boyfriend. I feel really sympathic towards her, as I know exactly how that feels, she really does have an air of mystery about her, but at the same time, it makes me wonder if its written in the stars that we get together.
Now back to the near present. When I returned back to work, after my hand injury, one the the first things my head chef told me was that a few people had missed me, but especially H's best friend H2. He said she had kept on asking him when I would be returning to work, and whether I was alright. I mean really pestering him about it, she was really concerned when I would be coming back. He even joked with me "Is there something your not telling us? She was itching to get you back to work." Now this I found really really odd. H2 has a longterm boyfriend. We are not exactly close, work mates thats it. In actual fact she was working on my first shift back in, and she wasn't exactly bowled over to see me. All she said was "Hi, are you back now? Hows your hand?" Thats it, no over excitededness, as you would expect if she had been really keen to know when I was coming back. This seemed odd. Unless of course, being best friends, H and H2 had been discussing me, and H had been saying to H2, that she wishes I'd come back soon, because its summer, and she would like an oppurtunity to see me. So being a good friend maybe H2 had tried to find out for H. I don't know though, this is all just theory.
Since returning to work I have worked with H only a few times. She only works three nights a week on weekends, this is when she is back for university. I have been witnessing, and analysing her behaviour around me, especially for any chemistry. I noticed her being friendly with me, and geniunely seemed pleased to see me again. I noticed her attempting to catch my eye from afar, but then not maintainig eye contact. Strangely I noticed myself getting at little nervous around her. After self analysing I figured that I was nervous because I had started to rekindle my flame for her, (which to be honest I had never really dropped, just set aside). All this excited me, but it suddenly dawned on me that I didn't even know how introverts flirt with one another. This fired me up to do a little research and soul seeking. I promptly hit Google up with a few searchs, to try and figure out if she has been flirting with me. Searchs such as: "How to know if an inrovert likes you" and "How do introverts really flirt". I found a few useful sites, with ranging opinions, examples from, How do introvert/shy girls flirt? answer "They don't". Lol, great I thought. But then I found some more productive resources. I learnt that things as simple as : Staring from afar, eye contact, getting close to your physical space and feeling confident within it, a genuine smile with the whole face and eyes. All were forms of introverted flirting. I couldn't believe it was so simple. A little more soul searching, and I revealed to myself that that had been my origianl flirting style. However my flirting style had evolved to incorperate a more banter based, more physical, and friendly approach, down to the fact that I had never had much success with my original style. Now though, I had met someone who I could finally flirt with on a more soulful level. Sincere, polite and, humble.
I find it quite difficult though, because I only see her on weekends, it tends to be busy, so don't really get much time with her. One thing that is nice though is that at the end of the shift because I work the deserts section, I am often the last man left in the kitchen whilst I'm waiting for desert checks to come in, often if she brings in the last check she will wait in the kitchen and stand quite close to my physical space, rather than going back to the bar. She knows that it can take a few minutes to make the sweets, but doesn't seem to mind just waiting patiently. Often not saying much just being with me. I've noticed that she acts differently when there is alot more people around, often appearing a little cold towards me, but when its just me and her, she's alot more receptive. I have accepted though, as it goes hand in hand with her introvert nature, so I don't let it bother me.
I stayed after work on Friday for a drink, which gave me a chance to talk with her, and I noticed she is alot more receptive towards me, and seems to be attempting more gazeful eye contact. Upon leaving I asked her if she was working tommorow, to which she replied "Yes tommorow night, I'll see you then". And gave me a really intentful sincere smile, with her eyes.
I'm concluding from all this that it seems she has changed interest towards me, and she was genuinely dissapointed not to be able to work the summer with me. I'm also aware that I completely hashed it up the first time round, and am mindful not to do that again. I'm also enthusiastic about the fact, that I can now flirt with her on a more subtle level, and really wish things to progress smoothly, and slowly.
I'm not entirely certain what sort of advice i'm looking for, but I suppose Id like your opinions, as whether or not you think H has a genuine crush on me, or whether she is just being friendly. I would also like advice on how to flirt with her without making her feel uncomfortable. I'm considering getting her a birthday card again (she is 20 next month). If I do, whether or not to compose a poem again, this time letting her know how I feel. Or just a standard Happy Birthday message. I don't want to overwhelm her, and risk messing it up again, but I would love to some how let her know that I've noticed her noticing me, and that it pleases me, as Ive noticed her too. I know the most sensible thing to do would be to just allow things to naturally develop. Keep watching out for her stares becoming gazes and slowly start to compliment her again. I am mindful of course not to become overbearing, and wonder if just playing it cool and subtle is the way to go. Or maybe try to let her know Ive noticed her. Will it make her feel better,or uncomfortable? I really want to get it right this time, as I think with us both being introverts we could develop a really beautiful relationship, and she is a very special lady.
