Overthinking this? Sex related

Ok, let me preface by saying that I feel a little awkward asking this question on the internet, and also that it'll probably be a long post as I try to explain clearly, and possibly waffle on a bit…

I'm asking here, though, since I would like impartial comment, which it's hard to get from friends/family sometimes.

So, I'm engaged to this amazing girl. We've been together a couple years, lived together for most of that, and both in our (very) late twenties.

We have an amazing relationship. Make each other so happy, laugh, support each other and have a lot of fun. We've both been in enough relationships of varying length and quality to know that this one is extra special, and I've been convinced without hesitation for a long while that she is 'the one'. We also have great friends and family, and both have great jobs that we enjoy. So, a pretty flawless life, and one I am oh so thankful for.


I should add, that not only does she seem fully fulfilled with our relationship, she talks regularly with excitement about our future. Marriage, kids, experiences and holidays etc.

I know she's as happy as I am, and that's clear to see, not only from her, but from the comments her friends and family make to me.

Before I get onto the 'issue', which isn't really even signficant enough to call an 'issue' but is something I want to explore a little. I should say at this stage that I realise how fortunate I am to be in a great relationship, so very wary of whinging about something.

It's the sex life. Well, the frequency of sex, in particular. The sex itself is incredible. Far and away the best I've had, ever. I'm almost certain that feeling is mutual. Of course I can't read her mind, but I'm as sure as I can be. It seems to be getting better.

For the first six months or so it was at least once a day. Of course it was, as in most new relationships. As the relationship matured, the frequency declined. However, it declined fairly quickly to what is now averaging once a week. There are times when it's three times over a weekend, but someitmes it'll be once in a fortnight. There's occasionally 'other' stuff happening, but sex, is limited to that kind of frequency. It's also very rarely spontaneous, and primarily in the bedroom. Not because I haven't tried, but whenever I do, I get 'later'… Admittedly 'later' does usually mean later, but I've been rejected in the kitchen and the living room enough times to put me off continuing trying for now.

I have tried talking to her about it, gently. And she gets very very defensive and says I'm making an issue out of nothing and that she's well and truly satisfied with our sex life. I'm reluctant to push my luck because we do have such a great relationship.

So, is this just a case of a difference in sex drive, or could there be more to it? Either way, should I be worried about it at all?

If I'm brutally honest, and this is a fairly shameful admission, it's not my lack of satisfaction that is bothering me. I mean, whilst it sounds crazy, I'd happily have sex once a year in this relationship since it is so fulfilling in every other way too. What is bothering me is a slight insecurity, or feeling of inadequacy. I mean, why did she once want sex every day, and now once a week seems to be enough? Why does she push me away unless we are in bed, under the covers and it's late at night? That insecure part of me is thinking it's something I'm lacking, or that it's me being the reason she doesn't want more of it…. I guess leading to a distant feeling that I'll one day be replaced (worst case anxiety).

Some perspective or advice on this would be much appreciated.

Thanks!

Hey OP,

It's normal (or at least common) so don't feel insecure or inadequate, it likely hasn't got anything to do with that. I'm female and while I can't speak for all women or even most women, I can say I'm exactly the same - much more sexual during the earlier stages. Nothing to do with fading attraction - just the libido dies down a bit. As for spontaneous sex in the kitchen, bathroom, table...unlike men, a lot of women can't just get 'ready' in an instant - we need foreplay. So while these notions of spontaneous sex sound great...it can't always work. Sort of like how you hear of people having sex in the shower or in the bathtub...both things I find very uncomfortable. Secondly, working is one thing which kills my libido - I work long hours so it's a matter of physically and mental energy. Sometimes I'll only have 1-2 hours in the evening to myself.

Have a talk to see what she would like (in terms or reigniting the spark) - in my opinion, once-twice a week is fairly normal among longer-term couples who work during the week. I mean, there's 50 shades of grey, then there's reality.

Thanks TablesandChairs.

I hear you on the spontaneity thing, I think again that's just me feeling a little insecure (recurring theme?!) that she doesn't appear to want to tear my clothes off like she did when we were first together.
I may also be guilty of misinterpreting the importance and value to her of our sex life in a very stereotypically 'male' sense. What I mean by that is that most likely, my partner values a quality, loving relationship with care, attention and support much more than she values amazing sex. Whereas I'm perhaps wrongly assuming she is thinking the reverse, and panicking thinking that she's not getting that!

For example, she once said (after noticing a good looking guy in a magazine or somewhere) that's the kind of guy you sleep with, not the kind you marry. When I heard that, I thought 'But I want to be both!!!'

Are you sure shes enjoying sex?? Most men can't tell the difference-it sounds like you need better communication between you. What does she want in bed?? How much foreplay? Etc

Forget different rooms and spontaenous sex for now. Focus on giving her orgasms and lots of them. Then gspot.. she has to enjoy it to want it often.

But its also important that she feels comfortable talking about it and working together to make it better. If shes being defensive it wont work. Ask her why is she defensive and why doesn't she want your sex life to be the best it can be.

Also a lot of couples go through phases like this where it can go up or down. Its normal for you to hit a blip at some point but be patient and try to talk to her. Things should get better again in time

See your post is the kind of thing that worries me. Why doesn't she 'want it every day'... I

Ok, I was reluctant to be this explicit but since I want to affirm how I think she does enjoy it;

She has a lot of orgasms... I can feel it, and I'm not sure she's done enough PC exercises to fake that well. Also, whenever I do hit that spot with my hands, she squirts...

Our communication is at a point where if she didn't enjoy it, she'd say. She tells me if I'm doing something to piss her off, we have plenty of honesty in our relationship and I love that she tells me how it is.

Also, she texts me occasionally, completely randomly saying 'I can't stop thinking about last night' or things like 'I can't wait for tonight'... which is always appreciated, and I love that she does that.

But maybe you're right, hence my concern.