"hi miss, you look so familiar..", was the line john used on me that night we first met. I was'nt the bit interseted.. I never could see him being more than just a friend.He was friends with my friends and I was friends with his friends. We became very close drinking and pool buddies.Even after I spent a couple years in the states ( I'm in the philipines ) we were still as close than ever. Like I never even left. Eventually, after his continual courtship.. I fell for him. We were crazy in love. I would give anything and everything for him, as he for I. I still would..
After 3 years of mad love I got pregnant. The pregnancy caused alot of stress between the two of us. I started to get really insecure and paranoid, like most bloated women do.. he got impatient with me. I remember we would have fights where I would just cry and cry thinking he would feel sorry and just hug me,or do something to make me feel better!!I was pregnant damn it! But he didn't.. he didn't hug me.No attempt at all to ease my pain, whats worst is when i finally gather myself, i look over and he's asleep!Like he didn't even care.. I admit it wasn't always his fault.. but he had no effort to make things better. We were both going through some major changes.Neither of us expected we were going to turn out this way.. The night life, bar hopping, billiards, road trips.. past times were the only thing we knew how to do.. and now all of a sudden we're responsible parents?! I'ts too late now to realize that everything my mother told me was right.. and I hate her for it. I don't even want to get started with my mother...
In other words, Our love has just faded.. I DO love him, god knows I love him. I'ts just I'm not IN love with him as much as I think I'm supposed to be. You've probably heard this many times before, but it's the truth.. and it sucks. I try to talk to him.. He too tries to talk to me.. but i'ts not enough.
Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets.. no regrets at all. If it wasn't for all this I wouldn't have my baby boy.He's six months old now and he's the best thing that ever happend to me. I'm 20 years old, young, but I have more direction and ambition in my life than anybody else I know.Thanks to my son. The only thing is my relationship with his father was comprimised. We don't fight everyday, probably because we barely see each other anymore. Since I'm on a graveyard shift, when he gets home from work I'm getting ready to leave.
Sometimes I send him text messages out of the blue saying " how are you daddy? I MISS YOU" and he replies " I MISS US". Just reading his messages would give me goose bumps remembering the happy times. I'm teary eyed now just writing about it.
We still love each other.. I'm the mother of his child, there's no way in hell he would leave nor cheat on me.. but aren't we supposed to be overjoyed with the blessings in our life? Are we not supposed to appreciate the presence of each other? Is this how it feels like to be married with a child? Is it not supposed to be the happiest time of my life? How are we going to make things better? How are we supposed to fall in love again? I'm sure I want to spend my life with him. I'm sure all this is just a test.. just to see how strong our love is.. but what if we fail? What if the love we think we have just isn't strong enough? If anyone ha enough interest to read this right now.. if you have any suggestions on what I should do please let me know..
Just to finish up..
What I want is for him to want me.. I need him to need me. :(
