It's all over and I'm depressed

I was in a LDR for 1 and a half years and it all ended 5 days ago. This was my first relationship ever, the first guy I fell in love with and I'm just so lost. It hurts so much that sometimes I can't even understand everything I am feeling.

We met online but then things evolved and we met face to face and after a few months spending some time together (never more than a day at each time) we decided to start dating. I just know that I was really in love with him and I imagined spending my life with him. I've had a lot of family issues and we talked about that. He was always so supportive and sweet to me. He understood me and gave me strenght not to crumble down. Our relationship was so honest and truthful. We talked about everything without any problem, we discussed the good and bad things in the relationship, how we could improve them and so on. The distance sucked but we skyped every day and that made us feel close and connected to each other.

He was an only child and still living with his mother but he had a lot of freedom, he could go anywhere anytime he wanted. I'm also still living with my parents and even though I'm 22 (he was 21) I never had the freedom that he had. A lot of times he asked me if I wanted to go spend a weekend with him somewhere but I couldn't go because my parents wouldn't let me spend a weekend alone with him. I grew apart from my parents and my sister while I was with him because I felt like they were hurting my relationship and didn't respect my freedom. My now ex-boyfriend said he understood but I knew deep down he was just frustrated with it all.

8 months after we started dating he said he felt like the distance was making it hard for him to focus on me. It was like he pushed me to the back of his mind when we spent more than 2 or 3 weeks without seeing each other. He said it was like there was something, a 'click' missing and he started doubting his own feelings for me. I was heartbroken and told him that even though we didn't see each other every day I still felt close to him and that the distance didn't stop me from thinking about him everyday. I told him to think about it very seriously because I wasn't going to allow him to treat me as his personal doll with whom he could do anything he wanted. On the next day, he came to me, hugged me and said it had been just a temporary feeling and that it would never happen again. He said he felt that 'click' right when he hugged me. I decided to give him another chance because it didn't make sense to me to end things at the first setback.

After that we agreed that we would try to be together at least once a week and so we did. Things were great and back to normal with us talking about everything and just being each other's best friends. He even told me some times he was more and more convinced I was the 'one', the woman of his dreams and that he wanted to stay with me forever. Obviously, I was completely ecstatic about it and I felt whole and complete whenever I was with him.

Until a few days ago we had a conversation on skype and he told me again that he was having a hard time focusing on me, due to the distance. He would show up late on skype without telling me anything (when he had always done it) because he wouldn't even realize time was passing by (which meant he didn't even think about me to tell me something about showing up late). He said that he felt like there was no 'click' anymore and that he didn't know if he could handle being in a LDR for many more years. He told me he couldn't fulfill what I demanded from the relationship and said that maybe his heart just wasn't in it as mine was. Once again, he started doubting his own feelings for me. I knew right there that there was no turning back and that I couldn't disrespect myself and stay in a relationship where I was only loved part-time.

I told him to come see me on the next day because the next step couldn't be taken through skype. So he came and we agreed it was for the best to end things. He said that he was sure that if I were there with him all the time he would be able to focus on me as I wanted him to and that he would have that 'click' he felt it was missing. He said there was just no chemistry and that killed me. It was just so abrupt and shocking. If one week ago somebody had told me this would happen I would laugh at them. It was so unexpected. And that hurts even more.

Things ended in a very civilized way. We even hugged each other and wished the best to one another. But right now I'm just angry and frustrated. I once visited him unexpectedly when the day before we had been talking I realized he was in a pretty ****ty place so I went there and surprised him to see if he cheered up. He never did the same thing for me. He said he missed me but he never once got in the train and came to me. I invited him to spend some days at my countryhouse and he did. After days pleading my parents, they let me go spend a weekend with his uncles. I did everything I could and I basically dedicated my life to him while we were together and he never did the same thing for me. And this hurts like hell, the feeling that you did everything you could but that still wasn't enough.

I feel like he never really loved me and never really accepted who I was and my baggage, that my freedom wasn't the freedom that he had. And I'm so pissed off because if he truly loved me I don't think distance would have mattered if his heart was in the right place. He was just too self-absorbed and selfish to think about what he wanted and he wasn't able to adapt to reality. He wasn't able to do that, not even for me.

And does this hurt. He was the first guy I kissed, the first guy I did sexual things with, the first guy I had intense feelings for and having my heart broken this way is just so painful. I feel completely alone in this world. I don't have many friends and the ones I have I only talk to them once or twice in a month because they're very busy. My parents try to control my every move and I just don't have enough money and can't even find a job to get my independence. Because I felt so lonely, I lived for this guy. Talking to him was always the best part of my days and I thought about him in everything that I did. I stopped living for myself and started living for him, with him being that safe place that I had to go to. And I knew that was wrong of me to do but I couldn't help it. I don't even know if I was codependent or not but it hurts very much. I feel abandoned and alone, like I don't even know myself and who I am.

People tell me I have to move on but I feel like that's trying to walk with just one leg. He was a great part of my life and now all of that is just... gone.

I feel so depressed and lost I've even started having suicidal thoughts. I won't do it because I know how that would kill my family, especially my sister. But if I were all alone, I could see myself doing it.

I've resisted the urge to talk to him ever since we ended things but his birthday is in a few days and I had already ordered his gift so I asked for his address on the day we ended the relationship and told him he'd receive something because I had already bought it and didn't want to keep it. I've written a little story about us and how I feel and I'm thinking about sending it to him, together with the gift, but I'm not sure what to do.

Can anyone relate to this? I've never felt this way before. I just feel like disappearing.