Confused and Angry... Need Advice
I don't have a huge amount of time to spend on this as I am at work but I have told my story before here. My girlfriend and I of 1 year 3 months have been having problems lately. Well we have had problems from the beginning. I know that I am too nice of a guy and I have spoiled her as a girlfriend in the past. Over the last year she has broken up with me about 8 times and yet each time I know that she doesnt really want to break up, only recently did I realize that she was doing it to push my buttons.
This last month she has broken up with me twice. Both times I have stood my ground and not tried to get her back and she has come back in tears. I do know that maybe this "button pushing" is mostly subconcious/unintentional and she has issues that she is trying to work on, but every time she has done it my desire to get back with her has decreased. This last weekend I started smoking pot again with my best friend (which I had stopped for her) and really talked everything over. He has seen the abuse she gives me from the start, but only recently started getting through my thick, love sick skull.
Friday she sent me messages telling me that she wants to give me the chance to walk away, basically a nicer way of doing what she already was doing before. I pretty much started planning to break it off with her the next week and I didn't talk to her all weekend, and on sunday she sent me a bunch of messages about her being confused and wanting to stay with me. Then, while I was out she came over and left a paper with wedding vows that she had written for me. So I started having second thoughts... don't get me wrong, I still LOVE the girl and care for her happiness, even though I know that I can't marry her at this point and possably ever. So last night I called her and told her that we needed to meet on tuesday over dinner and really talk everything over and share exactly what we feel with each other and she agreed. This last week she's been the nicest shes been in weeks even though she still tried to pull the let me go thing and I can see her trying.
Now, something happened to really get me angry (something which I am not normally) she called me today at work and told me how a guy came into the office at the bank an hour and a half early for his appointment talked to her the entire time (shes a receptionist). She said it like it was just something that happened, so I didn't say anything except "oh neat" but why the hell do I need to know this, thats just not something you tell to your significant other unless you want to make them jealous. I totally took it to mean that either one she didn't like the guy but wants to use it to push my buttons, two she did like the guy and wants to use it to push my buttons, or three she made it up so she could push my buttons.
The thing is that she has done this before about 3 weeks ago, on my birthday no less. She invited me over to give me her gift which was really sweet but then right afterwards she starts talking about how her best friend Randy had just moved back into his parents house down the street from her. It seemed like all night thats all she wanted to talk about. She calls the guy a looser and someone she would never want to be with, but at the same time she kept going on about how much fun she used to have with him and how much he makes her laugh. Then she wanted me to go over to his house and meet him and I replied that I wasn't the one who wanted to go over there. Later after she started acting hurt I realized that it was a little shitty that I wouldn't even beleive her since I know that she doesn't have many friends and I should be a little more understanding.
Now I don't know what to think. I know that I can't be with her but I can see her trying (sometimes). I'm positive that she is bi-polar but that doesnt help how I'm feeling. I don't want to be with her. I love her to death and I want so badly for her to be happy, but I can't be with her. The problem I'm having is trying to tell her how I really feel because I am so confused and screwed up.
Ok I guess it was longer than I thought. I really need some help so anyone who has made it to this point thank you! :)
Tennyson
