DeJa Vu l Affair

I am an active 48 year old male, father of four growing children, married for 23 years, and have never cheated on my wife. During college, I had a girlfriend which we both found the opportunity to experiment with our sexuality for the first time. Our relationship never did involve sexual intercourse at any point but did include lots of kissing and genital petting with each other as we were both uncertain of the consequences in taking things further. Scared that I wouldn’t be able to focus on my professional goals along with other obvious possibilities, I terminated the relationship. We remained casual friends until graduating college and didn’t make it a point to stay in contact (there was no internet then) afterwards. I then met my wife, fell in love, and got married a few years after graduating. I also heard from friends that my old girlfriend was also recently married. Our wedding night was the first time for actual sexual intercourse for both my wife and I. When attending a couples conference early in our marriage, we participated in a seminar which suggested that couples keep no secrets of their past. That evening we had a heart to heart and I fealt convicted to share with her details about my former girlfriend. She also conveyed a similar experience which she was involved in but love and forgiveness never provoked dialogue of those experiences again. However, I can’t deny that I often thought about my college girlfriend wondering where it would have gone if we continued with our intimacy. There were never really big marriage issues and subscribed to the tenements of our faith for a lifetime commitment. As we have 4 children together the opportunity for our physical attention with each other diminished significantly. When the kids were younger, a little flirting could get us to the bedroom with unsuspecting children at almost any time of day. Now the kids are young to mid teens, she only feels comfortable exercising this part of our marriage in the bedroom after the kids are sleeping late at night. Unfortunately, this often means we are left with the crubs of energy to enjoy our sexual life. In many cases she immediately falls asleep from an exhaustive day when her head hits the pillow. On occasion I try to awake her by touching those areas which once flipped her switch but feel any response to be out of obligation instead of love or desire. Within the past year, I found myself leaving the bedroom if there is no positive response and doing something constructive to help get my mind off the issue leaving me emotionally and physically exhausted in the morning. I have clued my sexual frustration to her many times without feeling reciprocal sentiments. I have even tried to help with some the chores my wife usually assumes hoping and suggesting it would afford an opportunity at the end of the evening only to find her use this time for doing something else. In addition, I feel myself becoming angry with our children as they seem to have hijacked the our attention of each other.

Adding volatility to this emotional roller coaster, I recently received an email from the college girlfriend. In the first email she told me that she thinks about me often explaining many of the interesting things she has done and then asks for me to share details of my life. Unsure about her marriage situation, I asked and she conveyed that she didn’t have any children, has been divorced for a number of years and after shaking the dust off is ready to develop a new relationship. Finding our new line of communication heartwarming I revealed that I also thought about her and painted a picture that my marriage was less than ideal which was probably a big mistake. However, I did not mention that sexual frustration is really the only unhappy thing about my marriage. As we now communicate at least once a day with each other including pictures, I have recaptured a physical attraction and feelings for her. Either one of us has been forceful in wedging the rekindled friendship against my marriage commitment but personally feel that dangerous corner approaching soon. I try to justify my feelings and am not naïve to know this now has become much more than a causual friendship. I find myself wondering if this is a coincidence or a predestined opportunity to follow through with mutual feelings that have been put on the shelf for too long. I know that if these mutual feelings were released it would probably lead to an opportunity for us to put completion to the feelings we first shared together at the beginning of our adult lives. Many of my friends are also mutual friends of my wife so I find it impossible to get this off my shoulders without someone being understanding, judgmental, and risk possible embarrassment. The complexity of this situation saturates my thought life with options and as I am also starting to feel an emotional detachment from the family I have and love. I know that a discreet affair is wrong and will eventually surface to compromise the trust of my family, friends, and career.
Helpful advice welcome.

You need to stop this. When you ended things with your ex you were probably still a little infatuated by her. The relationship never fully ran its course so it leaves you wondering "what if". But if she was the one for you back then, you would not have let anything get in the way of being with her. You would not have moved on, met your wife and gotten married. She was your only other experience so its prob normal to wonder about her occasionally. I still think of my exes sometimes too. It doesn't mean I want them back or still have feelings. I don't.

As for your marriage. You and your wife have hit a rough patch. You are having a very common, easily fixed issue. You and she are supposed to be a team. After 23 years together, you have been through an awful lot. Are you willing to throw everything away over one little blip in the road? Why are you not trying to fix the problems? Why have you turned your attention elsewhere? You cannot fix issues in your marriage by turning away from your spouse.

You are having an emotional affair right now. You are again becoming infatuated. Infatuation has a stupid effect on your brain making you think and act irrationally. Infatuation is not love and is nothing compared to the life you have built with your wife who you love.

Cut off the other woman, she is just a distraction and an escape from reality. She prevents you from dealing with the issues in your marriage. Your wife needs 100% of you so stop acting like a misbehaving teenager and take your commitments and responsibilities seriously.

Get marriage counselling. Tell your wife how you feel, whats missing and ask her to try and fix it with you.

I am not saying you should stay if you are unhappy. But you do not leave for someone else. You leave because its over and you end it in the right wag with integrity, respect for your family and some dignity. An affair is the worst way to end a marriage so stop it.

Try to fix it, forget the other woman and if you cannot fix it, get divorced but you should be alone until the marriage is 100% over

To be angry at your kids for the lack of sexual relations in your marriage only shows that you are a jackass father who cares more about getting laid than anything else. First of all, it is not your children's fault that you and your wife were both horny fukcers who completely forgot to practice birth control, then boom... four kids after, your sexual life went down the drain.

Secondly, your ex is a self-serving bitch with no values contacting an ex and keeping continuously in touch with an ex knowing that he (meaning you) is still married with four children.

The last but not the least, your ex calling you is not coincidental nor is destiny, it's most likely done deliberately out of loneliness from her side. Would it lead to an opportunity? Sure! An opportunity for disaster waiting to happen! What do you think will come out of your relationship with her? You don't even know her anymore. People change. She's no longer the same person you went out with almost 30 years ago.

She got divorced for a reason. You are lucky you are still married to the same woman after 28 years. What do you think would have happened if you ended up marrying your ex? What do you think will happen if you left your wife and your children for this woman? Have you thought of potential problems that can emerge having a relationship with her?

Work with what you have now. Don't even waste your time and breath with this slut! No slut is worth giving up a good wife and four children. Stop being an asshole!

Thank you for your frank responses. I know everything will work out but need to get this situation unwrapped around my head sooner than later. I know the "what if" has both of looking at the skeletons in our closet and know the family I have and love does not deserve to be thrown under the bus because of my stupid mistake. Turning the tables, I know I could also be asking "what if" I didn't let this happen? I know my consideration of acting on my "infatuated" feelings is not fair to my wife, my children, the college girlfriend, and myself. I do indeed plan to terminate contact and have a heart to heart with my wife which will hopefully develop a stronger marriage.

I am glad you have decided to work on your marriage and cut off the other woman. When you hit a rough patch it makes you vulnerable to these things but you need to be strong and look at the bigger picture. The other woman is just filling a void-making up for 1 or 2 things thats lacking in your marriage right now but shes not the whole package that your wife has been for 23 years. She must be a special woman to have kept such a happy marriage for so long. And its not her fault or your kids fault. This happens (lack of sex) to every couple at some point but you can get through it. And the answer is definately not to turn to someone else

The other woman must have poor morals and a deep lack of integrity to try and sabotage your marriage in this way but you would be even worse than her to fall into her trap. People like that are like spiders trying to catch a fly and remember flys are stupid not to have learned to avoid their webs by now.. don't be a weak fool. Think of what you have and cherish it. Stop thinking what you don't have

good luck

Dear Nivek,

The level of sincerity and the genuine honesty you convey, well, very cool. You must know that what your feeling is natural. Everyone needs to feel desirable; problem here is, your not feeling it from your wife.
Still, you must tread carefully and understand that if you and your wife could find the time and energy, 'desires' will return.
The attentions your receiving from your ex are filling a void and I would suggest speaking about it with your wife. She would want to know how her man is doing.
If the children are old enough now to be cared for by a sitter for a weekend trip, I highly suggest you and your wife take off for awhile. Re kindle the spark if you will.
I believe the mistake many make in a marriage is allowing the 'spice' to dwindle and we must not allow that to happen.

Rent a hotel room, get away for an all exclusive trip, go camping, what ever fits the budget so to speak but do something before this 'thing' with the ex gets carried away for once you step over, there is no going back. You don't sound like the kind of man who could live well with himself if he started an affair.

To me, it sounds like all the love is there with your wife. You love your life, your wife and your children but you are struggling with having quality time with your lady. You must make the time. Do not compromise your values. You must remember, (both of you) why you got together in the first place.
Chances are, your not the only one feeling undesirable here. Re boot. Re 'woo'
You've spent allot of time together and though relationships grow, they take work to stay together.
I would imagine a change of scene, something new for both of you will offer clarity in your particular situation.

and btw, this ex. She may be lovely and all but you are married and she continues to contact or text. I ask you, what else does that say about her character? You must take off those rose tinted glasses and see what's happening here. She is not honoring you or your family. Please see that and work on what you know is real, you and your wife and you must protect that.
good luck