always fighting, every conversation turns into a fight
PROBLEM:
Simple things turn into fights, all the time. Following is an example conversation over a simple scheduling matter
BACKGROUND:
28years old, Boy and Girl, 10month relationship and hope to last the long run. Both are currently unemployed but are working together on a business project. Typically, they try to meet everyday. They gym together Mon, Wed, and Fri. But Girl recently suggested they work out separately. They cannot see each other at night do to other circumstances.
Boy is taking up a part-time consulting offer that will be 2 half-days a week. Previously, girl said that tuesday thursday would suit her schedule. girl is only free everyday from about 10-4:30, and works on the project Tues, thurs, fri
Culturally, boy is American. girl is 50% asian, 50% canadian
SOLUTION:
This happens ALL the time. Everything turns into fights. Are we just not able to communicate? What can be done?
boy: Do you have any further thoughts on when I should schedule my part time time
girl: No
g: U can just schedule tues thurs
g: Since ur not working out those days
b: I can go on workout days too
b: I mean, if you don't want to workout together anymore, then the days I workout don't matter as much
g: Then its all up to u then
g: Dont need to ask my opinion
b: I would really appreciate your input
b: You also know your schedule better than me
g: I told u tues thurs
g: Before
g: Right?
g: Right now my schedule is dependent on the studios...
g: Itd be nice if we can work out together
g: But if we save more money going to gym separate then.
g: ...
b: OK
b: What's plan tomorrow
g: Whats ok..
g: Did u decide
b: I will ask for Tuesday Thursday
g: Morning shift?
b: Why do you say morning?
g: Hmm?
g: Im just asking
g: That was a question
b: Oh OK
b: What do you think think better?
b: I was thinking maybe later shift
b: Cause you leave at 430, maybe late shift is 2
b: Of course I have to talk to them about that too
b: Morning shift probably 9 or 10
g: I thought u said they usually hv meetings in thr morning
g: Its ok its just 2 days a week
b: Did i? Don't remember that
b: But I not sure I care about their meetings
b: Not my responsibility
b: You know what I mean
b: I'm just contractor for certain responsibilities
b: Not all things their company
g: Ok
g: Its up to u
b: Do you have any thoughts?
g: I dont really mind the time
g: Nope
g: Its just 2 days a week
b: OK
b: I'm guessing you don't care if it changes week to week then as well
g: U stilll need to talk with him first right
b: Yeah
b: He asked for Monday
g: Changes week to week?
b: Like every week different time
g: Oh uh..
g: Different days?
b: Yeah
g: Or same days diff time?
b: That too
g: Uh...
g: I dont know then
b: What are your thoughts
g: In that case ill just see u when i see u
g: I told you my thoughts
b: You told me is only 2 days, so it doesn't matter to you
g: What can i say about that? The changing times
g: Ill just see u when i see u
b: You can say whatever you want
b: If I were your husband what would you say
g: Then the whole workout thing doesnt matter
g: Huh?!
g: Ok im so confused
b: Lol
g: I said its only tues and thurs
g: So if its in the morning
g: And i dont get to see u
g: Its only 2 days of the week
g: So doesnt matter
g: What are you doing that
g: I told you my thoughts already
g: Why do u still ask that?
g: Just do whatever you want
b: Ok
b: I don't want to do just whatever I want
b: I want to do what works for us together
b: That's why I ask that
b: To emphasize, it's not just what's most convenient for me, but for us together
g: I did tell u my preference!
g: Omg
b: Ok
g: Im sooo confused
b: Don't worry about it
g: Whats all that stuff i said before
b: Yeah I know
b: Then I posed a new question
g: I said what time during those days doesnt matter
b: If week to week it was variable
g: Its only 2 days of a week without seeing u
b: Would that make any difference to your input
b: But it sounds like it doesn't
g: Well then i said i dont know then
g: Variable is variable
b: Lol yes
g: What should i say?
g: Huh?
b: You might say you don't like that
g: How can i plan my schedule when urs is all variable
b: you also might say it's better, because your schedule is variable as well
g: ...
b: You could also say that, " How can i plan my schedule when urs is all variable"
g: So how should i schedule my.meetings then
g: If urs is all variable
b: OK
b: Now that's input
g: All im saying is
g: There nothing i can do if ur.schedule varies
g: We'll just see each other when our times match
b: You would also get input on how it varies
Jan 22, 10:48 PM - g: Is that something wrong to say?
Jan 22, 10:48 PM - g: Huh?
Jan 22, 10:48 PM - g: You said days and times will all vary!
Jan 22, 10:48 PM - g: How can i input on how it variws
Jan 22, 10:48 PM - g: Thats up to ur boss
Jan 22, 10:48 PM - b: That type of statement, " We'll just see each other when our times match" is not something I feel like husband and wife say to each other, but rather they would schedule with each other
b: Uhhh no
b: It's up to me and ken
g: ..........
b: I guess we just have different approach to relationship
b: But that's why I have to ask
b: You get say, because I get say
b: If I can't meet someone during a certain time, I can't meet
g: When u say varies
g: That sounds to me ur schedule can.change everyweek
g: Not just the times
g: But the days change too
b: When I say vary, I mean, I don't set a repeating time with them
b: Every week we will decide on a time
b: Yes, day and time can change
g: Ok in my mins
g: Mind
g: Thats up to ur boss
g: Or whoever
b: I don't have a boss
b: They are not boss
g: That decides the time
g: How should i know that?!!!
g: Ur working for someone
b: That's normal for contractor
b: There isn't a boss, there's a client
g: U said
g: matt asks for monday
g: And then u asked
g: What if the times vary
b: The contract can have set times, or it can vary, or no time at all
b: Yeah
g: It sounds to me like matt wants different times every week!
g: I dont know then
g: Ur not delivering clearly
b: Yeah, I was posing the question that way
g: Then isnt it up to him?
b: No
g: What times he wants?
g: Omgggg
g: Ok i dont get this
g: Dont ask me anymore
b: Is this a cultural difference?
b: I'm just trying to plan it with you... But okay
g: Ur working for someone
g: And u said he asked for monday
g: And different weeks may vary
g: So sounds.to me
g: He will need.u different days of the weeks
g: So ur schedule is dependent on him
g: He pays u to work on the days he needa
b: No, I can say no
g: Hows that cultural difference?
g: ....
g: U first asked me for my.preference
g: I said tues, thurs
g: Than u said he needs mondat
b: Not needs, requests
g: And what if times vary
g: For monday its ok
g: The varies times
g: I just assumed its up to when he needs yoy
g: So it will vary every week
b: And I can always say no, I want set schedule
g: Then we just see each other when our days match!
g: ....
g: Thats why i said tues, thurs!!!!!!
g: If he requests mondy
g: Then mon, tues
g: Mon, thurs
b: Well, I was assuming you didn't know weekly varies is an option, and maybe you like that option better
g: Whatever
b: So I offered new information, and asked if it changes your input
g: Um
g: U asked me
g: To pick 2 days.of the week
g: If the weeks vary
g: Then i cant really plan my schedule according to urs then
g: So i,see u when i see u
b: But I could plan mine according to yours
g: .....
g: I told u i work on,our business tues, thurs, fri
g: That will be when ill schedule meetings
g: Havent i told you all this before?
b: Not exactly that specifically
b: No
g: Yes i did
g: Last time u asked
b: That also doesn't tell me if you'd prefer to be with me on a Monday or a Tuesday, meaning if you prefer to be with me on work day or off
b: Anyway, forget it
b: You're probably thinking I made this really difficult
b: But I'm also thinking the same thing
b: Let's just move on
b: Tomorrow plan?
g: Just go back and read the conversation
g: U made it.sound like the schedule variation is up to matt
g: And what i would do if the.schedule varies
b: Even if I did, i don't think it's difficult
g: Im thinking if ur schedule varies then ill just,see u when we both have time
b: Whether it was up to him or not, you could say whether you like it or not
b: And I never asked what you would do
g: Whats wrong with my answer?!!!
b: I asked what you thought
b: You said you dunno
g: U asked me "what if"
b: But you clearly had thoughts
g: I told u my thoughts!!!
g: Ur giving me scenarios
g: Just do whatever u want tmr
g: Stop asking what i want
g: You clearly cant take my responses
b: Seriously?
b: So tomorrow we aren't planning together?
g: No
b: OK, I guess I'll stop asking what you want then
g: I dont wanna say anything anymore
b: Alright
g: U asked me which two days
g: Then i told u
g: Then u,said ur boss.requests monday
g: And every week might vary
g: And u ask me again,
g: At this point u,should know tues thurs is my preference
g: When u say how days will vary
g: It sounds like matt will request different days
g: So my response to that "days might vary" is we'll,just have to live.with it
g: Ill see u if both schedule works out
g: U know my preference already
g: And i assume matt picks the varied days
g: God i dont know what to say,anymore
b: Ok
g: If i tell u i prefer tues thurs
g: And i gave you my reasoning
g: Then why would i want varied days?!!
g: U,asked me "what if" the days are varied
g: And it sounds like matt gets to decide the days
g: And since i,dont know which days those are
g: We'll just have to see what happens
g: Right?!
g: What did i say wrong?
b: I don't see it that way, but i can understand how you feel, which is why I offered reason as to why varied days could be better, and also invalidated your assumption matt solely decides
b: But it's fine
b: Don't worry about it anymore
g: Sure
g: Cultural difference
b: I'll try not to ask what you want anymore
b: If you think that's better
g: U said he requests monday
g: And weeks might vary
g: It sounds like its upon his request
g: And i guess its cultural difference that i.assumed thats matts requests
b: He request something, I might okay it or request something different, he might okay it, etc.
g: Uh....
g: Then u know my preference already!
g: U didnt even tell me
b: And I offered up an alternative I was not sure you considered
g: How the varied days work
b: To see if that changes your opinion
g: You dont even know what they are!
b: Nope, I don't
g: How can i give u an answer
g: All i can say is
b: You don't have to answer, just input thoughts
g: In that case ill see you if our schedule works out
g: You told me to tell u whats in my head!
g: That IS whats in my head
g: What do you want from me!
b: OK OK
g: I tell u my answer
g: And u then do that "if i were ur husband...."
g: "you can say whatever u want"
g: And i told uuu
g: Is there a correct answer or smth?
g: Ur upset cause im not gettinv it?
b: No, there isn't a single correct answer
b: Or maybe there is, but I dunno it either, haha
b: I'm not upset, I'm not sure you get it, but that doesn't upset me
b: And at this point, you don't really need to get it
b: So whatever, we can just move on
g: Stop doing this to me
g: Im tired
b: Well I don't really think I particularly did anything to you, so I guess I don't really get it either
b: As you suggested, I'll try to stop asking what you want, maybe that will work better
g: That also doesn't tell me if you'd prefer to be with me on a Monday or a Tuesday, meaning if you prefer to be with me on WeFIT or off
g: U said this too
g: After u said tues and thurs
g: Why do u hv to.make it so difficult?
g: Tues and thurs is my answer!
g: I mean after "I" said tues and thurs
b: I know you feel that way, but I also feel the same way so
b: Do you still wanna talk about this or just move on?
g: I want you to see its not all just me
g: Sometimes u just keep on pushing
g: I dont even know what you want!
b: That's exactly what I was doing...
b: Because I don't feel like you are telling me everything
b: And in this case you weren't
b: Although
g: But I TOLD YOU EVERYTHING ON MY MIND
b: It sounds like you assumed I knew
g: And honestly
g: With the way you asked
g: The whole 'what if i was ur husband '
b: Well it took me pushing for you to tell me
g: Its like my answers are wrong or smth
b: OK
b: I can see that
g: What did i say differently?!!!!
b: That you didn't like vary
g: I told you everythinv when u first asked
g: Uh......
g: U didnt ask me if i like it
g: Or prefer it
g: You just said matt requests
g: And what if the schedule varies
g: Thats not a yes or no question
g: I already told u i,would pick tues and thurs
b: I just asked what your thoughts are
g: Which is already a set schedule
b: To me, that includes if you do or don't like it
g: Yea that ur boss 'requests' the varied days
b: But what I got from you is that you don't really care, it's just 2 days
g: Sounds like u want my opinion on how i would work around those.requests
b: Do I understood you didn't like or dislike it
g: I specifically said
b: So I understood
b: matt is not my boss
g: The "times" on tues and.thurs dont matter
b: And that was also clarified
g: Its.fine if its the morning
g: Its only two days (on days im busy too)
g: ....
g: Fine!
g: Cultural difference
g: The person that pays u isnt ue boss
b: Nope
g: Thats the american way
b: We pay studios, are they our boss
g: Sorry for mistaking that
b: Yeah, I guess that's american way
g: Huh?!!!
g: Studios?
b: I’m just parallel your statement
g: ....
b: Like
g: You just said
g: matt REQUEATSSASSA
g: fine
b: Yeah?
g: Its all me
b: For instance
g: He pays u
g: He requests those.days
b: If you me and mike were meeting
g: Stop ir
g: Show this to ANYONE
g: See what they say ok??!!!
b: Sure, if that's what you wanna do
b: But I don't care that much
b: I already said we could move on
g: Hes the one that pays,u,
g: And hes requesting the days
b: But if it's really important to you to prove something
b: company pays a studio, and requests for a class to be on Monday, who's the boss?
g: ...
b: Or more specifically
b: I pay a hair stylist, and ask for a Monday appt
g: Ok mr smarty pants
g: You win
b: They can't say, I'm busy Monday?
b: I'm not trying to win
b: You are
b: You made this into a competition
g: You asked me
b: I didn't even want to fight or get into this
g"what if" matt requests varied days
b: I've already said, it doesn't matter let's just move on
g: God
b: You are the one who wants to prove something against me
g: I cant talk to you
