once again, community members, I am back at a point of emotional crossroads; looking back at the beginning and end of two LTRs, bookended by dramatic posts on this lovely forum. And again i find myself inquiring about the same basic questions i had so many years ago.
did i find the perfect girl? this girl who has it all. who is one of the best communicators I have ever met, introspective, kind, generous, intellectual, passionate, gentle, strong, savvy, spiritual, playful, professional and of course... beautiful. even a few of these traits i would have been beyond happy to find in a person. and now i am finding them all in one person! too good to be true?!
... then why can't i find myself wanting to commit to her...
could it be that despite all the most exceptional qualities that i described above, i can't shake that she has a belief system that may be fundamentally incompatible with mine? though I am very spiritual, my thinking is very very rooted in science, politics, and current events. i build my worldview around these pillars, and more importantly my value system. thinking about the power of science, the strength and pitfalls of societies/economics/systems. i believe in engaging the system and thinking thoughtfully about it. leverage its strengths to tend to its weaknesses.
she on the other hand thinks outside the system and the box-- in a way that is a little disconcerting. she doesn't think science is the end all. she believes in things like astrology and tarot cards (which I think are interesting, since she has introduced me to them). she believes in (what I think are crazy) conspiracy theories about the government and secret societies. she actually... even... thinks.... she has been abducted by aliens. sigh.. she is very smart in her own way (that isn't to sound condescending-- I truly do think she is very thoughtful) but I just dont agree the assumptions on which she bases her value system.
i KNOW that if we were to end up together, we would never fight. we would always talk through right down to the root of our frustrations. and given that she does think vastly different from me while still being thoughtful, we would always challenge each others thinking-- another thing really important to me. indeed, in the time i have known her, she has made me rethink many things and even changed me completely in one dramatic way.
but i just can't shake off this nagging feeling that our core values are just too mismatched. i find myself looking at her like she is an alien when she brings up some of her zanier ideas. and i am concerned for potential children being exposed to such ideas, when I know I want them to be engaged in the world in a way that is similar to me..
any thoughts around this would be greatly appreciated..
--confused to no end.
