a perfect girl...?

once again, community members, I am back at a point of emotional crossroads; looking back at the beginning and end of two LTRs, bookended by dramatic posts on this lovely forum. And again i find myself inquiring about the same basic questions i had so many years ago.

did i find the perfect girl? this girl who has it all. who is one of the best communicators I have ever met, introspective, kind, generous, intellectual, passionate, gentle, strong, savvy, spiritual, playful, professional and of course... beautiful. even a few of these traits i would have been beyond happy to find in a person. and now i am finding them all in one person! too good to be true?!

... then why can't i find myself wanting to commit to her...

could it be that despite all the most exceptional qualities that i described above, i can't shake that she has a belief system that may be fundamentally incompatible with mine? though I am very spiritual, my thinking is very very rooted in science, politics, and current events. i build my worldview around these pillars, and more importantly my value system. thinking about the power of science, the strength and pitfalls of societies/economics/systems. i believe in engaging the system and thinking thoughtfully about it. leverage its strengths to tend to its weaknesses.

she on the other hand thinks outside the system and the box-- in a way that is a little disconcerting. she doesn't think science is the end all. she believes in things like astrology and tarot cards (which I think are interesting, since she has introduced me to them). she believes in (what I think are crazy) conspiracy theories about the government and secret societies. she actually... even... thinks.... she has been abducted by aliens. sigh.. she is very smart in her own way (that isn't to sound condescending-- I truly do think she is very thoughtful) but I just dont agree the assumptions on which she bases her value system.

i KNOW that if we were to end up together, we would never fight. we would always talk through right down to the root of our frustrations. and given that she does think vastly different from me while still being thoughtful, we would always challenge each others thinking-- another thing really important to me. indeed, in the time i have known her, she has made me rethink many things and even changed me completely in one dramatic way.

but i just can't shake off this nagging feeling that our core values are just too mismatched. i find myself looking at her like she is an alien when she brings up some of her zanier ideas. and i am concerned for potential children being exposed to such ideas, when I know I want them to be engaged in the world in a way that is similar to me..

any thoughts around this would be greatly appreciated..

--confused to no end.

Well, if you can't respect, accept or relate to her values and beliefs, it will be a tough for you to be in a relationship. It may be that you are just too different to truly be compatible.

But before throwing in the towel, as a first step, it may help you though to expand your horizons and maybe think a bit outside the box with her. I'm not telling you to start believing in alien abductions, but there are a lot of very intelligent people in this world that cannot get beyond the "facts" we know today, and are not open to possibilities outside of what science has proven at this very moment in time. They find anything outside of those perimeters to be stupid, absurd, ignorant, and/or embarrassing. But the reality is that this is a very stubborn way to look at the world, and as time goes on, things change, new things are proven, and scientific “fact” changes.

Again, not telling you to try to believe in Taro cards or ESP. But I think there’s a great deal of ego attached to thinking that you have it all figured out. (And no offense, we all have an ego to contend with.) I think maybe if you can let go a bit of your stringent need to uphold those beliefs you wouldn’t find hers to be so embarrassing. You might find them interesting or cute and at the very least, tolerable.

And I hate to break it to you, but your children are going to form their own beliefs on their own, as much as you’d like to think that your parenting has the power to sway them one way or another. ;)

I think you should look at her and start wondering if what you view as flaws are really flaws. And maybe they aren’t flaws but they are things that make you two very incompatible and you should break up with her. We definitely can’t tell you whether she’s right for you or not, but I think looking at this with fresh eyes might give you a better perspective.

thank you so mch for your response lissa. i posted this in the general advice board, but your response was by far the most understanding of my situation. the crux for me is whether i am openminded enough to accept her belief system and let it not bother me on a daily level. it is on the daily level where i have noticed that she is so incredibly generous, kind and thoughtful, where i have never met someone more compatible with my expectations of how to approach relationships, conflict, and life in general. fortunately, i have open my mind a lot around things like tarot cards, astrology, eastern medicine, and i find that stuff fascinating even just as a curiosity of sorts. her zanier theories don't really make it down to the daily level (partly since she is aware that I dont care for those ideas) but it lingers in my mind-- how she could believe in such things. And then if it would end up being problematic further down the line (kids, old age [who's dementia would be crazier? hers or mine? {haha}]).

i guess in the end, at the age of 32 I have become more and more aware that having similar value systems is very important. even if there are vastly different personality and beliefs based on those values, vs vastly different values and having more similar personality and beliefs..

feel free to disagree..

I’m not sure if I agree or not.

My boyfriend and I have different thoughts on life. He’s the logical one, I’m the out of the box one. So much so that I think it will be really weird to see how our kids turn out haha.

However, I think most important to us is our personalities meshing on a day to day since that is what comes up the most. We aren’t talking about the meaning of life every day, but we are making financial decisions, laughing together, deciding what activities to do, providing emotional support, cooking and keeping up a house together, etc. on a daily basis. We do that well together while feeling happy, comfortable and safe and that’s all that I really need.

Once in a while one of my zany theories about life will come up, and he may disagree or even get into a bit of a debate. But these big picture differences don’t come up often and aren’t bugging us on a daily basis.

I think the problem is that the differences in her beliefs are bugging you on the day to day and seem to be (correct me if I’m wrong) keeping you from completely respecting her as a person? And that’s huge. Unless you can at least get to a point where you can respect all of her, despite disagreeing with some of her beliefs, this isn’t going to work out.