2 years later...

Hey there. I guess I'll give a quick story...

I met her when I was 24, she was 27. I've dealt with some anxiety and depression in my life, which somewhat resulted in me being a late bloomer. I lost my virginity to her, she was my first gf. Other than a 5 year "internet relationship" in my teens. Whom I never ended up meeting.

We both kind of had our sadness, and we identified with each other in that way. For the most part we were normal though, we had a lot of good times. She drank sometimes, ALOT, for the purpose of blanking out feelings for a little while. And I, have been a weed smoker daily for ten years. I would miss family functions, seeing her friends, and even going to her place a lot because her brother lived there, due to this social anxiety. It caused fights. I also would have a silly thought now and then of "Is the first one the only one" which sabotaged my view of the relationship sometimes. I was never in touch with my feelings a lot, but I loved her.

It ended when I missed her birthday get together. I had gone to one the year before, and it was fine... but I couldn't bring myself to go to this one. Two days later, sad and alone at her parents house. She got drunk, got caught, and lost her license for 5 years. Two days later she came over, and said to me... I don't think you really want this. I felt very guilty, and like she could be with a better man, so despite my love for her, I said maybe we should take a break. Two weeks later she said we should just be friends. We would hang out here and there for 6 months until she stopped replying to my texts, and calls. Her life has gotten alot better, and I understand why she wouldn't want to speak to me.

It's two years later. I started having panic attacks 3 months ago. I see a psychologist now. I have slipped into a bad depression, to the point of suicidal thoughts. I'll be starting an anti-depressant soon. I have ulcerative colitis, and a form of arthritis as well, that isn't being medicated fully... and the stress is making it act up bad. The worst pain is still over her. I think about her when I wake up, and before I go to bed, and mostly all in between. My anxiety/depression has kept me from, and messed up a lot in my life. And I feel like this is the last straw. I miss her so much.... I feel like I lost the love of my life.

Perhaps the most pathetic detail of this, is my mom, being very worried about me...(I didn't know) called her recently, and asked if she would speak to me as I was going through a real rough time physically, and mentally. Apparently she was nice about it, but said "he wasn't there at my darkest time, I don't feel its my responsibility to talk to him" And I get it. She's moved on.

I'm not sure why I'm posting here. I guess for someone to tell me it'll be alright, even if it might not be. Or to talk some sense into me...

Thanks

It sounds to me your mother and you never had a good relationship so you found someone that was just as dysfunctional as her to try and fix the dysfunction in your GF. This is something you should bring up with your therapist. Discovering, and healing from your past experiences will help you cope with the present better.

Well man you should get into sports or at least gym and it will make it easier to cope mentaly. You had relationship and it lasted pretty long and ended but you shouldnt give up on girls. I got it you are not the most happy human being and without wanting it you put a lot of stress on a girl to make you happy. Think you still can do pretty much to become attractive as a human being and get your life together. Just stick with the things that works for you find things that makes you happy, makes you fulfilled.
Love is out there and will come regardless you will be ready for it or not.

Well, smackie, my mom and I have always had a pretty good relationship. So I wouldn't say its that. Nonetheless thanks for the reply, both of you.

Ah, I think Smackie read it as your mom wouldn't talk with you. Your paragraph reads as if you called your mom and your mom refused to help - not that your mom called your ex who refused to help. I had to read that paragraph twice myself ;)

At this point in time, you need to make yourself as fit and healthy as you can. Stop with the weed and booze (if you haven't already) and start to exercise and eat healthy. Starting an anti-depressant soon is also a good move - they can make a world of difference. Just remember that the first one you try may not be the right one, so don't give up if you don't get great results first time.

Start learning to count the blessings in your life too. Perhaps take a photo each day of one thing to be grateful for and stick them on Instagram. Could be anything from having a roof over your head to seeing a beautiful flower on your walk. It could be a dog who wanted a pat from you or the autumn leaves.

Everything will be alright

You must realize that due to your depression and anxieties, the deep woe's will seem to all but consume you; but you must give the meds a chance to work; you must be patient and allow the healing to happen.

Feeling the loss of one you felt a closeness with to the point you thought She was The One, well, that's not going to be easy as you well know. Yet through reflections and time given, you will begin to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel your in now.
I am sorry you've been dealing with some rough times. I think it was wrong of her to not want to talk to you and her reasoning is poor indeed. Your Mother called her. Not many Mothers would do this unless they were truly worried about their child and this ex of yours is being rather shallow and selfish.
You must understand that she is not the be all end all. You will meet another woman and hopefully one that has a little more depth and compassion.

Stop thinking about the ways you feel you failed her and start acknowledging that you yourself have been failed. You must give yourself time to heal and know these dark thoughts are in most part due to a chemical imbalance in your brain and the meds will help. Give it time.

You sound like a good man. You must remind yourself of this and know the healing is already happening and in time, you can and will return to the happy person you were.
I wish you every success regarding this.

EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT

I feel you man, at least with the part about suffering from anxiety and depression. I know I do tremendously. I know it's hard, especially with the anxiety increasing the difficulty moving on, and all I can really say is that I hope you get better. You see, I too am having trouble getting over my first love. It's hard, but no one can force love, which is the advice I should take myself.