Taking the First Step (Again) *Warning Very Long*

If you don't want to read most of this skip to the last 3-4 paragraphs. Though I would advise reading all of it so you understand the situation. Also it took me around 2 hours to write so if you read I would be very thankful.

Where to begin. Well to start, I'm just an 18 year old (almost, got a few months) who is madly in love with the same girl since freshman year of high school.

Now I know what you're probably thinking, "you're too young to be that way," "you have to experience other girls..." Well I did, I tried for a full year after a year long relationship. Not one made me feel the way she did. When I dated them she was the only one I thought about.

It was a storybook love, filled with many moments that are unforgettable, some of the happiest moments of my life, my first kiss, my first date, my first for many many other things if you know what I mean. I've told people of moments between her and I and they always ask the same question. "What happened to end the relationship?"

When I got into the relationship I did not expect to be the way it was, I told myself I wouldn't fall in love because I know what happens to people who do in high school. Yet I did anyway. Things were perfect. Until the Fall of sophomore year. Stress of school and family finally broke both of us. Her parents got divorced, my grades slipped and I couldn't be with her when she needed me most because I was grounded for my grades. Finally she had enough and said she couldn't deal with everything going on and have a boyfriend. She cried the whole time she told me this and I held her in my arms as she cried. I was shocked, unable to feel anything, I was numb, all I knew is there was a crying girl in my arms.

A few days later we were hanging out as friends, sitting on the floor in a school hallway. Then her and I started playing footsie (childish, yes) she was laughing and smiling.Then she looked at me with eyes filled with love and I kissed her right there and then, not caring that we had just broken up, she was suprised at first, then she kissed me strongly back, smiling and giggling the whole time. We continued dating after that until one day in early December of the same year. My friends had already told me that she was going to break up with me. This time I just accepted it and after school that day she broke up with me for the second time. No crying this time. She didn't sit with me anymore in the school hallway.

I did exactly what you aren't supposed to do after a break up. I broke the no contact rule several times over. I had no idea about this rule at the time and I consistently bugged her. Day after day. Until a week before Christmas. Ecstatic about her maybe taking a glimpse of me I told one of my friends who was also her friend and she told me that I should just give up. I asked her what she meant and she in return sent a screenshot of a group message with her, the girl I loved, and another girl I was friends with. It didn't sound like her at all. She asked if there were any hot guys that they knew that she could date (said in extremely preppy girl voice) The girl I knew was quiet, respectful, and least of all preppy. So this I disregarded, mostly. It was what she said next that broke every part of me inside. One of them asked "Uh, Alex? What about Aaron?" (forgot to mention my name is Aaron and her's is Alex... Whoops) Her response was "Him? What about him? I don't need some pussy, I need a real man. I've already moved on and I don't want a boy I want a man." That was the most memorable quotes from her rant that I remember. When I heard this I felt something break inside me and I decided to get back (I really wasn't thinking when I did this) I wrote her a nasty message saying she was a cold heartless *female dog* and screw (but with a much nastier word) her, and asked her why did I even fall for someone as cruel as her and I hoped she found as many guys that would please her. Again, the only things that stood out the most. I really remember saying f*** you a lot. When she responded she told me that it was all a joke, that she was just kidding. I didn't believe it for a second but I tried to believe. I apologized many times but she simply said "no, just stop, you've already said enough."

The next day I found out she had cried that whole night. Her friends, she didn't trust anymore, so she threw them away. The friends are now only my friends, well the one who told me still is. The girl I loved was alone.

I apologized for many, many days. I was so lost on what to do, I knew I went too far and I just wanted forgiveness. We finally got back to a rocky friendship but I still wanted to be with her.

End of January comes and I finally have to ask her. "Is there any chance of us ever getting back together?" Her response was simple. "I don't think so." So I decided then that I didn't want to be friends with her (another grand idea) and told her as well. I told her that I still loved her and if there really was no chance then I don't think I could be able to stand watching her fall in love with someone else with me right there.

She cried, again (For future reference this is the most and only times she's ever cried in front or because of me). A few days of me apologizing again and one of her friends pulls me aside one day saying she has news about Alex. Heart soaring I come closer. Then I get a hard slap to the face. She tells me to leave her alone, I've already said enough. I numbly agreed.

I haven't talked to her in over a year now.

Now we're fast approaching the end of our junior year. She had started out the junior year by getting a boyfriend that was a year younger, the first since me. I decided it was time to date again so I also got a new girlfriend. Things didn't really work out for us and we broke it off after 3 months, I learned from my mistakes so we're still good friends.

A little info on the guy she's dating. He's a donkeyhole, to put it bluntly and while censoring. You meet him and he doesn't seem so bad but the more you get to know him the worse he is. I am not the only one with this hate, her friends (the ones she shoved away) also angrily think he is a donkeyhole, as well as almost all of my grade year, seniors, and his. Not one person thinks they should be together, that she deserves better. Though they won't say it to her or his face. When I first met him it was before they had started dating 4 months earlier. I had told him I still had feelings for her, that I was going to try my hardest to be with her. His response was "that's cool man" 4 months later he starts dating her. Then he has the nerve to try to get buddy buddy with me so he can learn her secrets.

I really really really hate him.
Like really.

I gave up after Christmas. I had tossed in the towel. I decided that she could do whatever the hell she wanted to do with her life, she looked fine with her current boyfriend (though I had never seen them hold hands once, only his arm around her neck, like he owned her, which pissed me off.) Anyways, I had made a new friend who was coincidentally friends with Alex. I decided to tell him everything. (I'm very trusting) He told me things that made me want to beat her boyfriend up. He first told me one time on a theater field trip she was sick and so didn't spend much time with him, instead stayed with her friends (I was also on this field trip, she was puking in the bathroom, I sent her a text a few days later telling her I hoped she'd feel better soon and she sent me a thank you) his response was sending her texts saying that she was a bitch, that she didn't spend anytime with him, she didn't love him. She was an emotional wreck and told her friend this while crying and showing him the texts. He also apparently beats her as well when she doesn't do something he tells her to do, that this has been going on since the beginning. Yet she still is with him.

Did I mention how much I want to hurt this guy?

By the middle of January I was determined to get her back, no matter the cost. My friends thought my cause was hopeless but I had changed since I had dated her last. No longer was I a pushover, a boy. I had worked myself the year I had waited to mature. I became more confident, I no longer shrank at challenge, no longer shy. I had the same personality, just matured and confident in it more so. I had grown up. I guess that's what heartbreak does to you.

I told someone else who was also in theatre (long story short, I met Alex in theater, she was a prop girl, I an actor. She became stage manager, helping the director and reading out lines for the ones who forget while also coordinating tech. Tech are the ones who build the set and do the lights and sound. Her boyfriend is head of lighting.) anyways, one day my new friend and I were sitting in the actors' break room, applying makeup and putting on costumes, Alex is also back there no reason why, just because. I told my new friend about her the day before and she said she would root for me and help me as much as she could. As did the rest of the actors and tech. No one likes the boyfriend, and they don't want our romance to die. Continuing on, I was speaking with my friend one day and she signals to me that Alex was looking at me. My heart skips a beat but I dismiss it. Then my friend starts counting the times she looks over at me. 5, 6, 7, 9. All over the period of 45 minutes of chaotic people everywhere. Then we were all circled up, letting the director talk about how much this show means to them, that the cast was perfect... yada, yada, yada, yada. Alex says something important then jumps back and stands next to me. I was frozen to the spot, then looked to my friend who was now laughing at my frozen look. She later told me that Alex had looked up at me (I'm kinda tall, 6 1, she's 4 11, so short) for a good minute before looking sadly down at her feet. Her boyfriend was on the other end of the circle, flirting with some other girls.

Now it's February. A new show has started and every time she gets the chance I find Alex taking a glance at me and if I don't catch it then my friend does. Especially when I'm talking to a female friend she stares. Sometimes I see her and her boyfriend walking to class, his arm around her neck and I see her looking across campus at me. Yesterday has to be the angriest I had ever been in my life. As her boyfriend is talking to her from behind and she's sitting on a slightly higher platform he decides it's a f**king grand idea to f**king squeeze her ass hard, while everyone is right there. He leaves after that, she has a look of distaste on her face. (pardon my language, some of the anger came out)

I'm normally a pretty pacifistic guy but never had I ever want to hurt someone as much as I did right then. I decided against it though. Although one of my male friends said, and I quote(with censoring included), "punch that poophole right in the dick" I almost did. I really almost did. But I know if I did Alex would be upset with me. As much as I hate to admit it, she was still with him, though she didn't seem too happy with him at times. Other times they seem to always be talking. Probably because she trusts no one except him and tells him everything.

I want to start talking to her again. I've decided to wait until after her relationship ends or at least gets close to but I don't know what I should say to start talking again. text or in-person. What to start out with. How long I should wait till I know she can trust me again. It's been a year. We've both changed... kinda. We're still the same, just matured. I don't want to lose her, I've loved her for this long I'm determined to get her back at least to trusting me again. "Trust is easy to break but hard to earn." I know, I know. I just don't want to give up, I'm stubborn like that. Please don't tell me to move on, I will disregard it or dismiss it.

I will never give up, I will wait as long as I have to.