Why is my dating profile not working? Help!!

I'm hoping that all my friends here can help with some constructive criticism. Since my last relationship ended (they last about as long as a snowflake in a microwave) I'm back in the dating game. Anyway, I've done a profile for a dating website but I'm getting no messages from all those lovely ladies. So I've put my profile below. Can anyone give me any pointers as to how to improve it:

Interested in: Desperate women, alcohol, drugs
I am an unemployed English depressive stuck here in France because the judge told me that if I ever went back to the UK he would put me in jail for that unfortunate incident involving the goat and the cucumber.


Anyway, I'm stuck here and since my last girlfriend left me for the dwarf who works at the circus I need to find a new love. So who is my ideal woman? Well, to begin, I would like to have no profile picture or a photograph that shows you in very poor focus or surrounded by all your 12 children. I would prefer a woman with a few extra pounds because I would have a lot of choice around here. Obviously a woman who loves to watch crappy television programs, eat cake and shop because these are the interests that we share. I promise to pretend to listen while you keep talking about your horrible ex-husband.

You can contact me at any time, but try to do it before noon because I'll be too drunk to respond afterwards.

How about adding: "When I can get it up, you'll not be sorry"

You didn't include your photos, but I am sure you are smart enough to know that women can't resist the ones that emphasize your (bare) beer belly, stringy ponytails, and smiles wide enough to show us how many teeth you are missing.

And don't forget to mention how modern you are, and evolved far beyond the need to demonstrate traditional male roles, such as being the primary bread winner.