Like him but dont love him

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11-09-05, 08:55 AM
Andem

Like him but dont love him

Hi,

I'm new to this forum, but just wanted to get some advice. Am in the middle of breaking up with my live in boyfriend of 11 years. I'm 41, he's 60. Finding that as I get older independence is a real issue for me, and the relationship has become like living at home with my Dad. My independence issues are such that I was phobic about driving and am just getting up enough courage to drive myself to work. Two years ago, I ended up in a relationship with my high school sweetheart who is near my age and I guess that made me realise just how much of my adult responsibilities I h ad given up over the years - my b/friend handles all the household matters, and pretty much does everything else. I really feel the need to recapture my life. I've been feeling so guilty and been trying to find a way to tell my b/f.

Three weeks ago I finally got up the courage to tell him about the relationship, and he kind of nearly had a heart attack and just refused to believe it. He's walking around crying and I feel so bad. I am also the main breadwinner in the family and I want to make sure he's ok financially so i have told him we can keep our financial arrangement as is.

The thing is, I think he's still hoping I will change my mind, and all the books say u should break up clean, but I didnt want to add financial worries to his woes. I worry about him getting older and ill, but if I stay I am going to lose a major part of myself.

Would love to hear ur thoughts. Thanks

Andem
11-09-05, 09:08 AM
shh!

Why have you two not married after 11 years? (I am wondering about his/your level of commitment to the relationship prior to the new guy showing up.) Also, is he employed/retired/healthy? Are there any kids running around?
11-09-05, 09:18 AM
Andem

Quote:

Originally Posted by shh!

Why have you two not married after 11 years? (I am wondering about his/your level of commitment to the relationship prior to the new guy showing up.) Also, is he employed/retired/healthy? Are there any kids running around?

Oh, yeah, that's another thing. He is married, was living with his wife when we met and he moved in with me about five years ago. They're still not divorced, but he was talking about marriage although he really hasn't done anything about getting legally divorced.

He's diabetic and was hypertensive, but we've worked on it, and he has got his blood pressure down and is eating properly. He's not as educated, or as well off, but he was really emotionally supportive to the point of being smothering.

I have a son - 15 years old.
11-09-05, 09:33 AM
shh!

You know, I've started to reply to this post two previous times, but honestly, I'm not sure how helpful I can be to you. Really, you have a big mess on your hands. I suggest you do whatever is healthiest for your son, which probably doesn't include either of these men.

If you don't love your live-in guy anymore, I don't think you are obligated to him since he isn't even married to you. If you want to offer some sort of psudo-alimony for a pre-determined length of time to ease your guilty conscience, fine.

I think you should be careful about giving your kid the impression that relationships are disposable, which is a definite possibility when you jump from one man to the next without having time on your own. Why don't you try giving it a go without a man for a while?
11-09-05, 10:28 AM
Lloyd95

Geez; let's see....

You got involved with a man 19 years your senior.
He was (is) married when you were first dating. And he remained married and LIVING with her for the first 6 years. THEN he finally moved in with you.

And you didn't foresee a problem? You think it's "Like living at home with your Dad?"

I mean, what did you expect?

I don't know what state you live in, but I doubt your "common law", since you've only been cohabitating for 5 years.

Get a clean break. Divide your assets 50/50, with what you guys have now. Cash in accounts, asset of house, cars etc.

It's not your place to financially care for an ex. It's not fair to you or your next SO.
11-09-05, 10:51 AM
Andem

Quote:

Originally Posted by shh!

You know, I've started to reply to this post two previous times, but honestly, I'm not sure how helpful I can be to you. Really, you have a big mess on your hands. I suggest you do whatever is healthiest for your son, which probably doesn't include either of these men.

If you don't love your live-in guy anymore, I don't think you are obligated to him since he isn't even married to you. If you want to offer some sort of psudo-alimony for a pre-determined length of time to ease your guilty conscience, fine.

I think you should be careful about giving your kid the impression that relationships are disposable, which is a definite possibility when you jump from one man to the next without having time on your own. Why don't you try giving it a go without a man for a while?

Yeah, you're right - I will be living on my own and liking it for a while. This other relationship is really a long distance one[we dont get togther more than 2 or 3 times a year ]- and really not my main reason for wanting out of the present relationship. If it works out eventually that's ok, but I think the greatest value has been to force me to look critically at my present situation.
11-09-05, 11:17 AM
Andem

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lloyd95

Geez; let's see....

You got involved with a man 19 years your senior.
He was (is) married when you were first dating. And he remained married and LIVING with her for the first 6 years. THEN he finally moved in with you.

And you didn't foresee a problem? You think it's "Like living at home with your Dad?"

I mean, what did you expect?

I don't know what state you live in, but I doubt your "common law", since you've only been cohabitating for 5 years.

Get a clean break. Divide your assets 50/50, with what you guys have now. Cash in accounts, asset of house, cars etc.

It's not your place to financially care for an ex. It's not fair to you or your next SO.

Well u sure dont pull your punches - but actually i really appreciate the straight up honesty. Didn't say I dont have issues - I'm just really looking forward to finding that independent person that i used to be. It's just so hard to hurt someone who has watched my back for so many years. I want him to be happy, but I think I really need to do this for myself. By the way I'm in Jamaica, and there is a five year common law.