I don't think an open relationship is a good idea? am i being selfish?

a little background story:


my boyfriend is the best, most loving man i have ever met. he was also 20 when we met and i was 33.

he was a single man, playing the field and never had a relationship or dated anyone.
when i say playing the field i mean really playing the field, multiple sex partners daily since he was 13.

we have been friends for years, coz i was in an abusive relationship and he helped me out of it.
he has done the most amazing, loving,life saving things for me.

when we talked about a relationships, before when we were friends, he was in favour of an open relationship with ground rules that would make sure we can have sex but not emotional attachment to other people...
this was due to, well, him never trying monogamy, and due to him having doubts that it was something that can work.

after three years i have finally managed to put my abusive relationship and the damage done in it behind me and we made love, and are on our way to be together.

i understand that my bf might dread monogamy, having never had it, but i think letting each other sleep with other people is a really bad idea.

i think he simply never imagined the kind of monogamy that we will have, (we will have a sound proof sex room, enough said).

i think we have a better chance of making it, if he simply accepted that acting out every sexual urge you have is for single people only, and people in relationships learn to masturbate to other people and that's that.

i also do not want my partner to feel trapped, but i feel he owes it to us to try monogamy for a year, before he can say if it's really such a bad thing for him...

am i being selfish, or do i have a right to say, darling, i love you, but you are gaining more than giving up, and open relationship is off the table till you give it your best to live monogamy for a year.

i think i'm just trying to protect my relationship, your opinion?

i'm not looking to change my bf, i just think his fear of monogamy is irrational, since we are a very good match and very much in love
if having some action on the side proves crucial for my bf's happiness, i am perfectly willing to open things up after a year.

BTW, no my bf is not a horny shallow person.he is the most respectful loving man, who happens to be too smart for his own good, and questions everything, monogamy included...

he will agree to monogamy in a heartbeat, that is not the point, the point is will he be happy, and am i being selfish or wise!

for all the people in here that might have certain prejudice against us due to age difference, no i am not his mother figure.
in fact we very much balance each other out, and he is as much of a father figure to me as i am mother figurine to him, and that's none, we are adults and equals.

so please do not lecture me how he hasn't sown wild oats, and how he is too young for commitment, he has had more sex than i will have in 3 lives and i have had relationships and he hasn't, both of these fact i find irrelevant...

the question here is, my bf will ask me soon, very soon, whether i want to start our relationship as an open one or closed one,and should i say i want to start as a closed relationship or open one.

whatever we decide in a year's time we will renegotiate the terms...

however we start will not be the end of us, we adore each other and we have been through many complicated, life altering things together...

i just need people's inputs on how to start this life long journey off, and what would be better for us right now...

so as willingly as he will try monogamy for me i will try non monogamy for him, the question here is simply, would that be a good idea, or a better idea than starting off monogamous.

well ****, who knows. How would he feel about coming home to some guy on top of you? Does he get that aspect of this possible arrangement?

This is a tough one. Couldn't do it myself. Too jealous by nature and i'd be hard pressed to believe most women could handle their man sleeping around. Still, if he was going to do it anyway, I'd rather have the honesty of it.
I don't know if anyone can tell you what's the best choice here.

It all comes down to what 'your' comfortable with. Not to mention the added risks of STD's. yipee.

In a perfect World, I'd say keep it between the two of you. Most people do not act out every single sex fantasy be them single or not; hence the 'fantasy' aspect. and many of us don't even bring other people into our fantasy as often, there is no need.
sorry I can't be helpful here.
hopefully someone will.

keep it real

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Originally Posted by woody [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

well ****, who knows. How would he feel about coming home to some guy on top of you? Does he get that aspect of this possible arrangement?

This is a tough one. Couldn't do it myself. Too jealous by nature and i'd be hard pressed to believe most women could handle their man sleeping around. Still, if he was going to do it anyway, I'd rather have the honesty of it.
I don't know if anyone can tell you what's the best choice here.

It all comes down to what 'your' comfortable with. Not to mention the added risks of STD's. yipee.

In a perfect World, I'd say keep it between the two of you. Most people do not act out every single sex fantasy be them single or not; hence the 'fantasy' aspect. and many of us don't even bring other people into our fantasy as often, there is no need.
sorry I can't be helpful here.
hopefully someone will.

keep it real

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thank you for reading and responding.

it would most certainly, NEVER be a situation of anyone coming home to anyone on top of anyone.
:)

there would be ground rules, that would make friends, or hook ups in our home off limits, and such

few things are in question here.

firstly, my partner is almost 13 years my junior, and that does NOT mean he cannot hold his own with me or anyone, coz he can, (some people have prejudice when they hear his age)

in fact, we balance each other out quite nicely. to be honest my partner is very mature, he is the reason i found strength to leave a very abusive relationship behind, and he literally saved my life.

i am simply trying to be respectful of the fact that he never had a relationship before which might make monogamy sound scary to him...(suffocating scary)

also he was 20 when he met his soul mate, that's earlier than most people.

although we were just friends for three years, and at 23 he is not too too young to meet his last partner, it will be scary for a guy who only recently decided he even wants a relationship to think of me as being the last person he ever has sex with...

i'm simply trying not to smother him. for my own good, do not want to lose him, lol

secondly, before we met my partner was the kind of person that used to act on every sexual fantasy he has had...

:D

he had tonnes of sex with tonnes of people, in many different and amazing ways, or sometimes not so amazing, lol

this is, however, something he does not have to change, he only has to have all that with one person now....

he is a very complex man, he questions everything, monogamy included, but he is not too thrilled to let me sleep with other men if i will have feelings for him....


this is, i believe, where our potential open relationship fails, coz, unlike my partner, i do not do just sex.

i will want one lover i have an emotional connection with, as oppose to 3 lovers i just shag...

also, my partner is a bisexual man ahead of his time, and part of why he never had a relationship before me was, he never anticipated to meet a person that would be attracted to all of him.

he did not want to settle for a woman who thinks less of a guy coz he was born bisexual, and he is not romantically attracted to men...

now, my partner knows there are women who are capable of grasping him, what if among his outside lovers he finds another women like me, able to appreciate him for all he is, and develops feelings..

i simply think starting off as an open relationship is more damaging then god for us, and this is what i will tell ma partner, when we have the talk about it...

stds, well he takes good care of himself, but he was forced into fatherhood recently, by one of his casual lovers coz she pathologically wanted to be part of his life...

my partner is gorgeous, smart, young and very wealthy.

now the woman cannot handle anything, coz she did not think this through.

so yah, involving other people in your relationship will result in accidents like that,

although his son was conceived when we were friends and i was in another relationship, and not as a result of an open relationship...

this is also one reason i am trying to thread lovingly and carefully.....

my partner was forced literally into fatherhood.

this woman's motives are questionable, she disregarded my partners wish to terminate the pregnancy and she seriously seems like she has expected they will have some sort of romantic movie shit going on, for a while, till he realizes he loves her and marries her...

now he has told her he will be moving in with his girlfriend soon, and that did not go over well...

so i feel he was recently victimized by a disrespectful, immature woman, who made a new person to try and make a guy like her more than he did, and i'm, trying not to add to the feeling of being trapped, angry and lost.

yes, dear ladies, when you agree to a casual hook up with a man, and your contraceptive malfunctions, (i am giving this women a benefit of a doubt), and you decide for both of you, you will now be co-parents forever, the man feels, angry, lost, helpless...

this is something to think about, before you bring a tiny human into such a messy picture...


anyway, i will tell my partner the truth, and exactly how i feel and see if he is on the same page, or near my page, and take it from there:)

i just wanted some thoughts form people on it...

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i think i'm just trying to protect my relationship, your opinion?

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I think you're in the WRONG relationship. That's my opinion.

You are trying to make a silk purse out of a sows ear. You want a polyamorous man to be monogamous. You are monogamous but you'll put that aside (while being totally codependent and miserable) just so that you don't have to be without him.

Sadly: You've learned nothing about personal boundaries, confidence or what is and isn't a good partner for you since he "rescued" you from your last disaster.

You are jumping from the frying pan right into the fire.

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You'd do well to get counselling and remain single until you learn to love yourself enough to exist as a happy single instead of relying on mismatched white knights that are incompatible and/or abusive. This one will soon enough be emotionally abusing you.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you're in the WRONG relationship. That's my opinion.

You are trying to make a silk purse out of a sows ear. You want a polyamorous man to be monogamous. You are monogamous but you'll put that aside (while being totally codependent and miserable) just so that you don't have to be without him.

Sadly: You've learned nothing about personal boundaries, confidence or what is and isn't a good partner for you since he "rescued" you from your last disaster.

You are jumping from the frying pan right into the fire.

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You'd do well to get counselling and remain single until you learn to love yourself enough to exist as a happy single instead of relying on mismatched white knights that are incompatible and/or abusive. This one will soon enough be emotionally abusing you.

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you sound judgmental and grumpy, lol

relationships are safe places in which people explore their boundaries.

my partner is not a polygamous man, he is a complex man trying to find his way in a stupid world.

i am willing to try something i have never tried before if it will help my partner and my relationship, yes.

i could not disagree with you more.

thank you for your reply

BTW, calling me co-dependent was rude. are you a therapist, or do you just have a huge chip on your shoulder?


nevermind, you just answered my last question. am i to understand you are psychic?

... and you sound psychotic and codependent but whose counting? :)

See you in the psych ward when he fks his way right through what emotional well being you MAY have left.

Your title: I Don't Think An Open Relationship Is A Good Idea. Yet you're going to have one with this guy just because you're issued and addicted to the player in him and so without personal boundaries and love of self to the point of fear to be without someone who is not the least like yourself in sexual dynamics.

Recipe for disaster, sistah. But hey... you asked for opinions and just because mine doesn't match what you subconsciously want to hear doesn't make me judgemental or grumpy.

I wish you good luck because without personal boundaries that's about all you've got.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

... and you sound psychotic and codependent but whose counting? :)

See you in the psych ward when he fks his way right through what emotional well being you MAY have left.

Your title: I Don't Think An Open Relationship Is A Good Idea. Yet you're going to have one with this guy just because you're issued and addicted to the player in him and so without personal boundaries and love of self to the point of fear to be without someone who is not the least like yourself sexually.

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good god lady, this cannot possibly be about me, or my boyfriend. you don't even know us.
so i'm assuming your are speaking about yourself.

please don't answer any more of my questions, you are rude and immature.

you do this subconscious thing where you analyze me as if you were a therapist, (very poorly coz you are not a professional), then you insult me and predict my future, lol

I don't need to know you to see by your opening post that everything I've said about you and this man will more likely then not come true.

I bet when you got with your abusive partner that you say this player "rescued" you from that you thought he was a wonderful, loving man as well but you didn't have the good boundaries to leave him until you thought you had some white knight to take you away from it all. I DO hope that you do not have children.

*looks in crystal ball* I see more hurt and emotional abuse between bouts of hyper-sexual activity with your new captor.

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BTW: Reality check: You put 100% of the blame for the baby in his life on his sex partner when in reality, if he was so against fathering a child he SHOULD HAVE BEEN WEARING A RUBBER. Don't say he was now because you just said that you were giving "the woman" the benefit of the doubt.

Your partner is an irresponsible opportunist.

lady, you don't sound well.

Lady... you ARE NOT well.

Eve,
All that other stuff aside, I could give a rats hairy about the age diff. Seems your more concerned than not.
You said something like, 'he's young so he ought be able to soar his oats' (I know, not exact but something to that effect) yet you also say he's had many partners already even before he met you and he had a child with one of them (though I highly doubt she did it to keep the man) ouch. Condoms for dick anyone?

So you've got yourself a metro/bi sexual man; you two dig each other, so what's the issue? What, did he ask you for an open relationship or is this something you feel you ought offer him due to this age diff no one seems to care about but you?
curious. me

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you're in the WRONG relationship. That's my opinion.

You are trying to make a silk purse out of a sows ear. You want a polyamorous man to be monogamous. You are monogamous but you'll put that aside (while being totally codependent and miserable) just so that you don't have to be without him.

Sadly: You've learned nothing about personal boundaries, confidence or what is and isn't a good partner for you since he "rescued" you from your last disaster.

You are jumping from the frying pan right into the fire.

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You'd do well to get counselling and remain single until you learn to love yourself enough to exist as a happy single instead of relying on mismatched white knights that are incompatible and/or abusive. This one will soon enough be emotionally abusing you.

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I actually agree with Wakeup, in content if not tone.

You have every right to ask for what YOU want in a relationship. You want monogamy. If he doesn't then WU is right, you are simply not compatible. Ta dah!

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Originally Posted by woody [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Eve,
So you've got yourself a metro/bi sexual man; you two dig each other, so what's the issue? What, did he ask you for an open relationship or is this something you feel you ought offer him due to this age diff no one seems to care about but you?

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Wow, an honest-to-goodness liberal, thoughtful comment! Fantastic, I agree^.

two people get together and groove well. no need to screw anyone else nor desire to.
see dick run, see jane cum
and together the two shall be, or not....

my point? not making sense i'm sure but, woman, when two people are really into each other, no one else even holds a flame.. point and case.

Woody, you make perfect sense.

If it were this easy, however, forums like this wouldn't exist. Something lost in translation.

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Originally Posted by woody [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Eve,
All that other stuff aside, I could give a rats hairy about the age diff. Seems your more concerned than not.
You said something like, 'he's young so he ought be able to soar his oats' (I know, not exact but something to that effect) yet you also say he's had many partners already even before he met you and he had a child with one of them (though I highly doubt she did it to keep the man) ouch. Condoms for dick anyone?

So you've got yourself a metro/bi sexual man; you two dig each other, so what's the issue? What, did he ask you for an open relationship or is this something you feel you ought offer him due to this age diff no one seems to care about but you?
curious. me

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hey woody,

no darling i didn't say he should sow his oats, lol, someone else did. i know long post and we all skim through.

i'm not worried about his age, i'm not sure where you got that from, but i am trying to be respectful of it.

none of you need to take his age into account as seriously as i do, coz none of you want to grow old with him, like i will:)

what i mean is, even thought i am ready for a child, i was planning to postpone it till he is ready, but that is now beside the point, since he is already a dad.

he did use condom(s), lol, only her condom(s). at the time he thought nothing of it.

we did all try to give her a benefit of a doubt, but you have to understand me and his family as well.

she never gave someone we love very much any say in whether he becomes a dad or not.

it isn't fair that a woman has an option to terminate the pregnancy but a man doesn't.
it should be a legitimate thing to say, i am 23 i do not wish to be a dad now, i have a relationship with someone else and frankly, do not like you other than sexually, please do not make this fetus into a person.

it absolutely should.

i wish women squeamish about abortion would not have casual sex with people.

one more reason for my doubts about her motives is the way she is handling the fact that i am in the picture.

she is worried her child will grow up around me, what a good thing to think about before you have a child with a complete stranger you met online and shagged.

she knows nothing about my bf and she decided to have a child with a man she knows nothing about, except that he is handsome, seems smart, has a big penis and loads of money.

i wonder if she would keep a child of a broke 23 year old. further more she is trying to use their child to police his relationship.....but not to digress too much.

she is what she is, and she is nothing the two of us cannot handle.

let me get back at the issue at hand here.

no he did not ask to have an open relationship, this was something he said years ago, that he would feel better starting as an open relationship with someone.

since then he also said some very monogamous stuff.

it's like you said, i feel the NEED,:), to give him as much freedom, as possible.

given it's his first committed relationship, if i can help it, it will be his last, and he really was recently victimized, by a selfish, immature woman who wants to play like big boys, but is turning out to be very confused 18 century woman faux feminist crossover.

this thread is all me and my thinking.i am away from him, confined to bed and have too much time on my hands to (over)think...

thank you for your replies and for reading.

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Originally Posted by woody [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

two people get together and groove well. no need to screw anyone else nor desire to.
see dick run, see jane cum
and together the two shall be, or not....

my point? not making sense i'm sure but, woman, when two people are really into each other, no one else even holds a flame.. point and case.

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yes, yes i do agree. :)

you are also very oversimplifying something as complex as 40 years of relationship, which i plan to have with John, but that's ok, coz, as much as you are oversimplifying, i am overthinking, right now.

:)

we are just trying to help each other here and share some opinions, right?



end of the day we all go back to our lives and make our choices and hopefully enjoy them. ;)

thank you for your input.