Confronting an online relationship

Hello, this is my first post. Recently I found that my husband of 13 years has been using FB to chat constantly with a former colleague. I've known about their friendship for quite some time and it never bothered me because it has always seemed very platonic. About a week ago, I borrowed his work computer to edit some things, and clicked on FB to post them. Since it is his computer, he was signed into FB and normally I would just log him out and log myself in. However, this time, I clicked on her name and was shocked to discover that they are chatting throughout the day and after I go to bed at night, and everywhere in between. Honestly, most of their conversation is not alarming--shows they both watch, children, even him updating her on dinner plans we had. But there were a couple of things, said primarily by him, that stepped over the line--complimenting her looks, etc. Then, one item said something along the lines of checking several times to make sure he did not accidentally send what he had just said to me. I am absolutely certain from what I've read and because she lives so far away that there is nothing physical. However, it seems to me like he's become very attached to her and it has made me extraordinarily anxious.

I have not confronted him because I just don't know how to tell him that I snooped into his conversations. I also am certain that he would dismiss my concerns because as I said I really do feel certain that there's nothing physical and I honestly believe he would not cross that line. In the meantime, however, I am actually making myself physically ill thinking about it and obsessing over it every time I see him pick up his phone. I have checked their conversations since this time (feeling disgusted with myself for doing so) and have not seen anything too suggestive lately, but today for example he was griping to her a little bit about me not giving him very much space last night--which he and I had discussed half jokingly.

I would greatly appreciate hearing from anyone how they think I should proceed. I think I need to discuss this with him if for no other reason than to get my own anxiety under control. I just don't know how to do it without confessing that I read personal messages. I would especially appreciate hearing some men's perspectives. I think what I'm looking at is bordering on an emotional affair, and I really don't know how to convey to him how that makes me feel because I think it's just too easy to write it off if things aren't physical--there are so many studies that show such affairs bother women more than men.

well no wonder you are worried.

this is much more an affair than some girl he just shagged.

yes, a man or a woman can also have feelings for someone they cheat on, but many many men, and women, cheat for the novelty of sex and regret it.

your husband is having a log term emotional connection with another woman.

that they did not sleep, makes no difference, in fact if anything it would make me more worried.

you have to confront him, and i really fail to understand why people are afraid to tell their SO they were 'snooping'.


:)

especially when mostly they weren't

there is a difference between privacy of a single person and that of a person in a loving relationship.


anytime i have a close friend that is not my partner, he is welcomed to read some of our chat longs and tell me to drop that friend if he feels i am crossing the line a person in a committed relationship shouldn't

now, he isn't allowed to obsessively read every line i exchange with people, looking for crossed lines, or isolate me from all people that are not him, but he is, at any time, at liberty to read anything i wrote to other people and have feelings about it and talk to me about it.

now this is a delicate balance, what people we keep as friends, and what we sacrifice for the sake of relationship, but it can be struck.

and yes, it's ok to drop some people for your relationship's sake, as logn as it's not all other people...

frankly, you confronting him on his emotional affair is legitimate and him citing violation of privacy is a bit ridiculous.


you did not violate anything.

intimacy implies certain freedoms like to be in the loop regarding your husband's emotional affair.

frankly, you are not the one who crossed any lines here, he is.

if he wants the kind of privacy single people have, and that's to do whatever they want, whenever, with anyone, then he should be single.

what he should not be is married, emotionally cheating and spinning the conversation about it, into a conversation about personal privacy in a relationship.

this is a very serious matter, and i would prefer my partner having sex with someone rather than this kind of emotional connection.

having said all this, do not attack him or cry or be hurt or hysterical.

be smart he is, for the time being, enamored with this woman. she is new and the novelty of her would wear off soon, most probably, but for now she looks much better than old ball and chain, type of situation..

be wise and understand that this happens in a long term relationship. attacking him will only make her look better in his eyes...

tell him how concerned you are, afraid of losing him and ask him what you can do to rekindle the spark.

if he shows good will to rekindle the spark, ask him to drop her.

if he gets defensive, do not do that yet...

go away with your husband, get some sexy lingerie start hitting the gym, get a new body...

rekindle the spark a bit and then ask him to drop her....

this is not a time to be hurt but wise and do not go down without a fight...

and do not let this biatch take your husband.

well, if she wasn't would she be doing this with someone else's husband.

good luck.

remember, not a time to point fingers and bicker who invited whose privacy, or making ultimatums. this is a time that calls for wisdom and fighting for your hubby...

you can be right, and have all the right in the world to be angry, but if you lose your husband, or just drive him further into her virtual arms, it won't matter much.

long term love is sometimes not about whose right or wrong, but how to rekindle and nurture the love and the relationship.

Don't even bring up the fact that you know that he's been having behind the scene conversations with her that are clearly crossing relationship boundaries.

Simply google "Emotional Affair" find a good read on it, print it out and then bring it to him and tell him that you don't want him getting emotionally involved any further with his female friends and would he kindly stop his online communication that crosses said RB's.

Don't let him turn it around on you and changing the whole tone of the discussion by making this about snooping. Tell him your fears that the more he becomes dependent on her and their convos, the bigger the emotional gap that you and he shares will become and more bonded he will become to her. Your printed out article will back up your conclusion.

Be confident and straight up about your anxiety to him and keep the conversation focused on his attachment to her and off of you "snooping."

He WILL defend his actions and he will, more then likely accuse you of being overly jealous and or down play his "friendship" with her. Have your facts ready about what can happen when he, himself crosses relationship boundaries and doesn't distance himself from the slippery slope he's started down.

- - - Updated - - -

I'll add that you could have sex three times a day everyday and the "spark" be sparking till the cows come home. If someone is crossing relationship boundaries and not backing away from people that are crossing said boundaries then what is happening would still happen. As long as he and she are still acting inappropriately and with disrespect to you and your relationship then trying to do anything with him to get back a spark that MAY be missing will fail.

BTW: Just because you are in a relationship it does not give you the right to indiscriminately look through your partners things. Snooping by the mere definition of the word means you have violated someone else's privacy. We do not give up our individuality just because we are in a relationship. Snooping when there has been shady and suspect behaviour going on is one thing. Thinking you arbitrarily have a right to invade another's privacy just because you are romantically attached to them is quite another.