Relationship advice? Help?
I have this friend that I have seriously deep feelings for. Ever since I first seen him in class, which was back in grade school over 5 years ago, I've liked him (of course my feeling have grown in leaps and bounds since then). We were both too shy at first, so it took half a year for me to actually talk to him. I remember he asked me to grade 8 grad (I refused because I was too shy) can't remember if he asked me out though- anyway needless to say we didn't go out.
So we hit grade 9 and by now we're really good friends. Talk all the time, tell one another anything, etc., etc.. But we end up going separate ways; he dates one of the girls in our friend group and I date one of the guys. Fast forward almost a year, we don't talk that much because my boyfriend would get jealous and I knew if I'd end up falling for him all over again. My friend at the time had broken up with his girlfriend and goes on to date a few other girls. We still tried to talk and chill every now and again, but it was sorta tough.
About a year after that, (so 2 years into my relationship with my boyfriend but 3 with the friend I’m talking about) my friend and I ran into some issues and wanted to 'take a break'. During our 'break' I was hanging out with my friend (whom I was talking to more and seeing more with a mutual friend of ours) and we chilled together with our one mutual friend and her ex. We all decided it'd be a wonderful idea to cuddle together by a fire. I ended up making out with my friend (it was worth the wait I might add). I told my boyfriend later on because I was being drowning in guilt, tried to break it off with him completely, but a few days later we began dating again. My friend I continued our friendship, although after he realized I was dating my boyfriend again he sorta got pissed and we didn't talk for like a month I think. I did try to explain things to him by the way, I guess he simply misunderstood.
A few months shy of a year after all that, my friend got a girlfriend. Me and my boyfriends relationship had fallen apart dirastacly by this point in time. And about a month after my friend got with his girl, my boyfriend sexually assaulted me and I finally broke up with him (and realized after speaking to some people that he was verbally abusing me, using me, and had cheated on me. Also had physically harmed me a bit, and all of these were huge red flags but I wanted to try and make things work for some reason). I started drinking to try and deal with things and accepted the fact that I still had feelings for my friend (I continued to like him more and more even though I had a boyfriend for 3 years).
My friends (including the one I like) would have little parties, although the friend I liked wouldn't drink (he had many reasons, one being he knew he wouldn’t be able to control himself around me and didn't want to accidently cheat on his girlfriend). I was one hell of a hot mess let me tell ya. I'm sure it's not hard to picture a drunken girl hanging out with the dude she's liked for years. Any who, my friends girlfriends ex started randomly talking to me through Facebook (at first trying to woo me then talking to me about my friends girlfriend), and aside from him trying to pick me up and telling me about how much he misses his ex, he would explain to me about how his ex was lying to my friend. He'd told me things and I tried to warn my friend, but he ignored me. We stopped talking for a while after that (I felt I couldn't be a good friend so I backed off).
I decided to try and move on and I hooked up with two guys about a month after that, but neither worked out. I then met a guy at the beginning of 2014 (so about 4 months after I stopped talking to my friend as often) and started dating him. It went really well, and I got pregnant while switching birth controls three months into dating this guy. Around this time my friend broke up with his ex and we started talking/hanging out every once and a while again. Everything was going well with my boyfriend until my baby girl was born. Within three weeks my boyfriend became controlling, verbally abusive, disrespectful, and used me for sexual activities whenever he could. He ended up physically attacking me which made me break up with him, but we still had to kind of live together. He then physically attacked me two more times, each time getting worse until he tried to push me over some railing to a 20 foot drop. Needless to say I haven't spoken to him or seen him since and that was March.
Since I had that crazy a**hole to deal with I hadn't spoken to my friend in a few months. We reconnected now with nobody in the way. I was glad just to talk to him. We both aren't looking for a relationship for different reasons.
After talking for days on end, we began hanging out a bit (with a good mutual friend of ours too). After one night of hanging out I was unsurprised to realize I (obviously) still liked him a ton. In the days of hanging out and talking, I was attempting to see if he felt the same- alas I am stupidly niave and had a hard time figuring it out. Just a few nights ago we decided to go camping with our two friends, and it was super chill. That was until we all thought it'd be a wonderful idea to cuddle in the tent (our two friends were pretty sh*t faced so it probably was a good idea).
So we get in the tent, my two friends decide to cuddle (they both know the history behind my friend and I) and left me and my friend to cuddle. Not that I needed that sort of 'push'. I'm incredibly forward now. Any who- since my previous dumb drunk a** thought it'd be great to go shirtless (but still with a bra on) during one of the nights that I got drunk with my friend, I saw no problem with doing it in our current time with the absence of alcohol to explain for my reasoning. Which he didn't mind.
We're cuddling and it's great. Like, I loved it, it was awesome. I then decided to give him a kiss. And then he kissed me back. And then that kissing turned into making out, and that making out turned into some seriously passionate making out/dry humping (sorry, tmi) and holy was it EVER worth the wait, oh my god (little note- my friend here is still a virgin, and not super experienced. I on the other hand, am not a virgin and have been with a couple people who claimed to be experienced. My friend kicked their a**es. I was so proud). This goes on for about two hours, and by the end of it my bra is off, thrown somewhere in the tent, and we're back to cuddling. We didn't have sex or anything (despite me wanting to a bit, but that's a-okay) it was amazing regardless. We laid their and talked for a while, and he was being his usual self but somehow ten times more sweet. Of course we both agreed that we still couldn't date and wanted to stay friends and not let that event change our relationship, although we went on to talk about how much we liked each other, and we spoke hypothetically about a future relationship, etc.. He even had said that me having my child didn't bother him at all, and if we were to go out he'd help and such. You get the picture I'm sure- lots of mushy stuff.
We hung out the day after that but nothing happened (which was fine, we just chilled with our mutual friend and had a good time), and I've been talking to him since then. Now my problem is... WTF DO I DO?!
I like him tons! TONS I TELL YOU! I've always known he was the best guy for me, but either I f*cked up majorly because I'm a dumba**, or I didn't get the chance! And now, I'm too freaked out to be in a relationship with anyone, especially him, since every guy I've been with has abused me in some way shape or form. I've got trust issues up the wazoo, and I'm literally terrified of him turning out the same way or destroying everything we have. And I guess it doesn't even matter whether or not I was a relationship because he doesn't want one either. He wants to experience life, and is afraid he'll f*ck up whatever relationship he's in too.
I'm all over the place with my feelings here. I want him as a partner, and I always want him as a lover. But yet I can only have him as a friend, unless I wait like however many years to date him and then possibly marry him. I can have him as a partner in the sense of just having him as a friend- but I have a hard time doing that. On top of that if we ever did date, I'd want to make love to him like there's no tomorrow, yet he wants to wait till marriage. I have a ridiculous sex drive and the way he does things doesn't help AT ALL. What do I do with all of this? I'm so insanely worked up, I don't want to miss a chance with him but I don't want to be given the chance to f*ck up either. Please help me.
