Should I date my male friend?
could really use some advice.
I'm 29F. Broken family history. Plenty of counselling when younger. I only point this out because it goes some way to explaining my relationship history.
I dated a great guy for 7 years, got engaged, then broke it off. I had decided to date him when quite young, not through sheer attraction, but because he was simply a very nice guy. He was a very nice guy and our relationship lasted for years! But, when it came to settling down, I found various reasons that made me feel like I couldn't commit my life to him. Didn't feel passionate, understood etc. Basically, he was a decent guy in almost all senses of the word and we had a nice life together. He did a couple of things wrong and I left. But basically I wasn't ready and that was my fault.
The next guy I dated was a friend, also from quite a broken home, toxic family, lots of emotional unavailability issues, pretty manipulative. I felt like I had something in common with him. Loved him. Felt absolutely besotted by him and let him treat me pretty badly. Went through some really shit times with him messing me around and hurting me. He told me I was abusive. I came out of that relationship a few months ago. Now in therapy discussing how I was drawn to him because of my dysfunctional family background and that his accusations about my behaviour were to deflect the focus away from how he was treating me. Messy. However clearly I wasn't perfect either.
Now, I want to be able to have a nice normal relationship with someone who actually cares about me and who I care about. I'd like to build something supportive, loving and kind and fun with someone.
The guy who messed me around has a good friend. The good friend is a guy. He's slightly younger. He's always been there for me (known each other for years). He's made it clear, in a non-pressuring way that he likes me. I've made it clear I'm not open to anything, because I don't want to mess him around with my indecision.
I'm also puzzled as to why he likes me, tbh. He's seen me go through two relationships, clearly knows I'm not great at them. He's seen me at high points and at low points and basically knows me at my best and at my worst. Mostly my worst, recently! Why is he attracted to me? Is it a competition thing with his friend? He doesn't seem like the petty type.
However. Now I come to the question.
Clearly, I am strongly attracted to emotionally unavailable, unkind men. Not a surprise, considering my childhood/home life, I'm unlikely to recognise and be drawn to positive qualities in someone. But I don't want to be the cliche that repeats patterns and gets drawn into awful relationships because that's what I saw my parents doing. But, that's clearly what I did in my last relationship because I followed my instincts.
This guy is kind, supportive, interested, clever, emotionally honest, determined and responsible.
But, I don't feel that sense of passion and excitement and those butterflies with him. I keep thinking it's because of the way he looks or something. I feel like I'm just not attracted to him. Or possibly it's because he's my ex's friend (too messy?). But logically, he is a great fit. We seem to share a sense of humour. I trust him. We have the same values and goals in life. He's not perfect, he isn't a Brad Pitt or a social butterfly, actually he's a bit on the short and shy side!
Sometimes when he is nice to me, like texting me to find out if I am home at night when I've been out somewhere, making fun plans for us to do something together, I feel myself start to panic. Clearly I have issues?!?
Should I date? Am I passing over a chance to be with a really decent person who'd treat me well? It's not like my instincts have served me well in the past. If I date, is this settling? Is settling a bad thing?
Or, am I just thinking this because I've been through such a bad experience? Do I just want something safe?
Do I just need more time on my own? Am I going to hurt him?
Please tell me what you think! Even if it's critical. That's totally cool.
