Please help, happy relationship is broken

I am in pieces, i am in so much pain and don't want to continue anymore.

I have been in a loving strong relationship for 12 years with a loving and caring man who always did everything for me and my son (from the previous marriage). We loved each other so so much. All my friends always used to say how happy and lucky i am. We were one happy family. We had plans for children and wedding. We did everything together. he never let go of me, we were so in love all these years!

2 years ago my mother died and it threw me into a horrible depression and stressful times. I had to stop working as i was a total wreck , got panic attacks and my health deteriorated. At the same time my partner's company didnt do well so there were problems with salaries and we were struggling financially as well. Also the death of my mother had a huge impact on my adult son who was living with her. Because of him falling into horrible depression we were having really hard time, i tried everything to make things better but he became aggressive and we always ended up having arguments. It would hurt me so much and i would become stressed and sad and depressed which reflected on my partner on daily basis. He was always telling me things will get better, and that he will do everything to sort problems and make us all feel better.

At the start of this year he got a new job and things suddenly improved, we paid off all the debts, and made new plans and were so looking forward to the future. I was still struggling with my son and with my depression but i was feeling much better.
My partner went abroad on business trip last week. Absolutely everything was perfect and loving up to that point. He stayed abroad 5 days. The last 2 days when we spoke on the phone i felt something wasnt right, and then he said we have to talk when he comes back. That was on saturday night. I was crying and begging him to tell me what happened, he just said we will talk, but i feared the worst! Since saturday i didn't sleep except a few hours last night only because i took several sleeping pills and i havent had a meal since Saturday. He came back on Monday and i found out he got involved with his co-worker and said he got feelings for her. I collapsed on the sofa couldnt breathe and burst into hysterical cry. He tried to calm me down and said he didnt expect this to happen. Said he has been under so much stress and that everything he tried to do to help me feels like he failed me. He says he loves me and loves my son, he says he cares for me, but he also says he has these new feelings for someone else and that he is confused and doesnt know what to think. He hugs me and says he loves me and he even cried while we were talking.

I cry 24 hours a day. I feel horrible pain and emptiness. When i talk to him i tell him to remember everything what we planned , children , marriage , to remember good times, i told him i want to make him happy and i want to fix the problem. I told him not to throw away our 12 years. Only a few weeks ago when i had my birthday he made it so perfect. I got a card where it says - "thank you for 12 wonderful years and all the love and i am looking forward to the next 12 years to make them even more beautiful" He bought a beautiful cake, surprised me with several things throughout the day. The week before he left on business trip we made love and he was keep saying he cant live without me. It was wonderful like always.
And then out of the blue this horrible thing happened. How?? Why?? Can someone explain i am so broken :-( He only saw this person twice. They only communicate via internet. All i know so far is that it was all business talk until one day when there were some problems with her and people in the office going against her , something to do with work and my partner was the only one to calm situation and to be on her side and she got hooked to that i guess. And that she said she has feeling for him. And he said he only got feelings for her when he saw her last week.

Is it possible to save my relationship? I can't let 12 years vanish into a thin air, he is my future, my soulmate, my life and i love him so much!
Since saturday i am just getting worse and worse, i just want to die. I am so heartbroken. He always used to tell me he would never hurt me, and i can trust him. And i trusted him. I just felt secure and loved. I really felt loved!

Today i am in so much emotional pain i looked in my medicine cabinet for some pills so i can take my own life. I am crying so much while writing this, if i cant save our relationship i have to end my pain. I do want to fight this, i want to save 12 years, but i am so scared it will not happen, i am so scared! I want this pain to stop and as much as i want to take these pills today i am scared to do it. I am so broken

Thank you for reading

please please dont harm yourself. as hard as this is right now, you have to concentrate on you own well being.

you have your sons who need you as well as family and friends who care for you so much.
He is maybe feeling the stress and pressure and just needed someone outside of his zone to talk to, knowing that you have already had your share of stress thru other problems in your life. you need to be strong, not only for yourself but also for him, he will realize that this other woman will never give him what you can, and the past you have shared, and the future you have planned.
make a doctors appointment and tell them the thoughts you are having, they can prescribe you a mild antidepressant / sedative to help with the sleeping part, metazapine is good for this.
try some councelling, speaking to a close friend or family member who will sit and listen properly.
is he still in your family home? if so, seeing you so low, depressed and down will possibly make him feel like he is failing you more.
you need to sleep, eat properly and look after you.
if you can both sit down and talk, talk about the problems you both shared in the past and how to move on from them because
12 years is a long time for your partner to throw away,you have to keep positive, he will realize that he has more to hold onto than loose, but he needs to realize it himself. begging, pleading and letting him see you in pain will make him feel worse.you need to keep busy, active and try to keep your routines.
take time for you. try listening to soothing music, not memory songs, read a book to distract your mind. i know it sounds easy for me to write this, as im not going thru your pain, but please believe that it will help, if only just a little bit.

please please once again, do not harm yourself.

x

Don't worry. Your relationship still seems like it can be saved. I think you have both been under a lot of stress and maybe he just needs time to realize this. DO NOT contact him. Have you looked up the no contact rule? You should watch youtube videos on how to heal a broken heart as well. You will get through this, I promise. And who knows, maybe you will be the happy family in the end. You're not willing to throw that away and I doubt he is either. But don't fight for it. He will come back if that's what he truly wants.