Complicated story filled with heart break
Ok, let me start from the beginning. We met online, and started off super causal. We both had trust issues from the beginning because of past relationships and that carried over into what we had. As we started hanging out more and more we quickly realized how much we liked each other and within 6 months we were exclusive and in love.
Any way about a year in our relationship I found out that she cheated on me. She tried to sweep it under the rug but she left her computer open and her ex BF texted her and the text popped up on her screen. It took about an hour and she admitted to cheating on me with him and another guy who's a good friend of hers. Both people she said it only happened once needless to say Ive always had my doubts. But i left it alone. I was devastated, but I really love her and wanted to work it out. She said everything she was supposed to, she wanted me, it was a mistake, and that she was going to do anything to make it work. So we worked through it, needless to say I took a brunt of the emotional burden dealing with what she had done and things were good after a while. Well eventually she went out on a few drinking binges (when she cheated she said she was drunk). On these binges she went missing for a day or so and was out of contact. This was really hurtful to me even though she promises she wasn't cheating you can only imagine what I was going through. We had talks about it and I explained to her how much that hurt me. But she would continue to do it from time to time. At this point I was having a really hard time trusting her and believing she was behaving on these outings (she still maintains she behaved). Our trust was fragile and she was not helping the situation. Then she planned a trip to Bermuda with the same friends she parties with, and did not invite me. All this definitely did not make me feel safe in our relationship
Now on to the break up. I messed up really bad. I cheated. I hooked up with my best friends girlfriends sister, i got oral and got chlamydia from it. I am super ashamed, and disgusted with myself. I don't know what I was thinking, I guess I was never really over what had happened and I felt like I needed to do that in order to be over it, however juvenile that sounds. Whats really twisted is I asked my friend what to do and he told me to tell her I went to a massage parlor because we both thought she would be super pissed if she found out with was with my buddys GF's sister. We both thought she would be less mad if she thought it was something disconnected like a massage parlor. I dont know why I listened to him. I know what I did is super messed up, I need to go seek therapy. Any way she found out because she got tested and had chlamydia, I told her the lie and I think shes more pissed about me potentially going to a massage parlor. Obviously she dose not believe that this was the only time, and I don't blame her for not believing me. She is obviously mad for so many reasons and she said we are over for good. I did not think this would be the end, I thought she would be willing to work it out. I was willing to work it out when she cheated on me with two people she had emotional connections with, but she is not willing to work it out with me. She thinks what I did is completely worse no matter what I say. Any way we both love each other, we are each others best friends, we love spending time together and we both wanna be together but she feels like this is something she needs to do, she is stuck on it. We have only talked on the phone cause she is out of town and shes coming back in the next few days to get all her things. She has mentioned getting back together after we figure ourselves out and work on ourselves, maybe in a year or two i dont know how long. I dont know how to come clean and tell her it was actually so and so and not the massage parlor, shes obviously gonna be mad about all the lying I keep doing. I feel like when I see her in person I should tell her what actually happened, but I doubt she will believe anything I say at this point because of my dishonesty. Is there anything I can say to her or should I just leave it alone and do NC...... I'm so dissapointed with myself, maybe I deserve this, i need to seek help....... should I explain why I did what I did or does that not matter.
Any advice is welcome, thanks for reading......
