Me [19/M] Slept with one of my closest friends [19/F], feel terrible about it. Help?

So, the history between me and this girl (call her Jane), was that for half of last year until November, we were friends with benefits. It ended because I got feelings and she stopped seeing me in a sexual way, so it ended. I felt horrific, really shitty, but I got over it until about a month or so ago. She's always been one of my closest friends, we've always looked out for each other and been there, me more so than her because she isn't the 'feelings' type of girl. Also worth saying that she says she has no sexual feelings towards me and it's only gonna be friends, I'm pretty sure that's how she sees it. Also also, she's pretty infatuated with this guy she's been sleeping with since November time, I see them going out pretty sharpish.

Started talking to another girl, that went on in a semi-relationship way before I got a 'Feelings have changed' text out of the blue and that was over. During the time of talking to her, I started to get feelings for Jane again. I told her them a couple weeks ago and she was very surprised, however we kept on being really close friends and she left it in my court.

Last forward to Saturday night. We go on a night out to town, just us two. I'll be staying over at hers the night. Told myself I wouldn't try anything. So night goes on, we both have copious amounts of pre drinks, we're both pretty wasted by early morning. Couple of times through the nights, she gets with guys and the usual type of stuff. We dance, she teases me, we get with each other for a decent time then she laughs it off.

By this time, we're both hammered and wanting to go home, it's like 4am and we've both got work in the morning. So we get in, chill for a bit, she has a smoke. Get undressed and get into bed. We've both done this before, slept in same bed naked and nothing has gone on, we just both sleep naked naturally anyway so that never changed from the time we were actually having sex.

Fast forward half an hour, I'm caressing her inner thigh while she's laid there (awake) and keeping herself entertained. Skipping the details, we have sex a couple times then pass out. I remember waking up later in the night and trying something again, but when I realized she was half asleep I went back to bed. Wake up in morning, both have terrible headaches. She can't remember a thing from last night, I can remember everything more or less. I don't tell her what happened throughout the night as considering the state she was in in regards to hangover, it wouldn't have helped.

We're chatting through the day, I mention we got with each other and joke about some stuff, then an hour later I get a text from her asking if we had sex, told her yes we did, then she says how I took advantage of her being drunk. I know when I'm sober that when she is drunk, she's extremely easy, however I would never, ever ever take advantage of anyone, even less so my closest friend. I want to say categorically that was not my thought process, at the time we were both really up for it and extremely hammered.

For the past day and today, I've been feeling absolutely shitty, like worst of the worst, since objectively speaking, I did take advantage of her and I'm no difference from the rest of the guys that do that to girls and that feeling is abhorrent to me, I despise myself for not realizing before. I don't know if she'll forgive me for it, I think she might and I desperately hope she does, but the problem is I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself for it. She told me how shitty it made her feel and she hates people saying sorry, but I can't help it.

We've had arguments and fallouts before, but they've never had the risk of ending our friendship before. I really don't want to lose her, I still really like her, maybe love her a bit, I wish I didn't because it'd make my life a hell of a lot easier.

tl;dr Slept with my closest friend on a really drunken night out, feels and seems like I took advantage, desperately don't want to lose her but I can't stop thinking about it.

Help anyone?

Do yourself a favor and get yourself away from this dysfunctional hot mess you have yourself in with this girl that does not love you. A girl that brings the WORST out in you by taking advantage of her drunkenness while knowing that she would be easy to **** while drunk. Shame on her for getting so drunk with you knowing that you like her and that she has ZERO boundaries in place to keep you at arms length.

Google codependency and find out what ails you. Read about personal boundaries and how you have none and how to get some so that you respect YOURSELF enough to get away from opposite sex friends that you have more then platonic feelings for so that you can be open enough in heart and head to find another who will return your feelings... one you won't push away because it is so transparent that you're not open to them because you THINK you love someone else.

You'd do well to start ZERO contact NOW and heal from your addiction to her. She stagnates you in your dysfunctional "love" for her and she uses you for your attention and whatever the fk else it is she gets from you that she to is addicted to. It's unhealthy and it's dysfunctional what you two have going on.

Once you realize that and get away from her you'll start to feel a whole lot better about yourself.

Thanks very much, I've looked into it and it certain rings far too many bells to be a coincidence.

Agreed with Wakeup. Fully.

On a side note, if it makes you feel any better, I don't necessarily think I'd classify this as you taking advantage of her. A) You were drunk as well, so your own judgment was very much impaired. B) She is apparently very well aware of how she gets when she is very drunk and seemingly takes no measures to avoid this. C) Not only is she aware of how she gets, and does nothing to avoid it, but she does so blatantly around you, somebody she knows had/has feelings for her, proceeds to be all over you during the night, and then sleeps NAKED in the same bed as you.

Heck, unless there are parts of the story you aren't sharing, it doesn't exactly sound like she told you no when you tried to get something going. She was apparently just as into it. Sure, she was inebriated, but so were you.

So, bottom line, it sort of sounds to me like an example of where you were both equally to blame.

I know this may not be an easy decision for you to make, but Wakeup is right. You need to eliminate this girl from your life completely. That is the only way to get over the feelings you have for her and move on. It may not seem like it now, but in time you will realize that she isn't all that great after all, and that you deserve better anyway. In the meantime, take some time for you. Work on you, work on being happy as just you. Work on what didn't work in past relationships. What could you do differently? What could your ex have done differently? Learn from your mistakes or you are doomed to repeat them. Then, some day you will find a girl who will be good for you, not destructive.

Good luck to you.

Thanks very much. I really don't want to cut her out, maybe stop speaking to her for a month or two and get on with things, with any luck I'll have sorted myself out in that time. It's so hard to explain, what Wakeup mentioned about Codependency really rung a lot of bells with how I am in general, for the need of a relationship, low self esteem and hiding it behind a bluster, that type of stuff.

Just wanted to say that theres no your fault at all. If the girl lets in her bed a naked guy or shes naked in bed with another guy(doesn't matter who is naked). Then she is responsible for what happens. No normal girl would do that. Its basically screaming for sex. Doesn't matter who guy is, her BF, friend or father.
Even more, what I think is she wanted to have sex but wanted it to be your idea so she can take away fault from her. Even fact that she let a guy in her bed no matter naked or not is already something no BF would allow his girl.

Okay lets take scenario where she really saw you only as a friend - still she knew that you are capable of having sex, she knew you had a feelings for her. Very inconsiderate from her and disrespectful to you.
In this case shes really stupid and actually whole this whole topic should be in teenagers section. You think you are adults but at this age you have much growing to do and if next few years you will get a lot wiser and not just from these past mistakes and life experiences but in terms of being more careful and looking into future will prevent these kind of things happening.

Man just wanted to say that I feel sorry for you. I know how it is to have a feelings for friend. Codependency well thats something most people have problems with. It takes changing yourself as a person and basically you need a lot different life to not to be codependent. You still have whole life ahead of you and you will meet that special girl who will be worth your time. Now at least you see where you at where you want to be. Good luck with the journey ^_- !

This sounds a bit weird to me how the hell do you sleep with someone naked an opposite gender whom who ever had sex with before and expect nothing to happen. I also hate how many people use alcohol an excuse for what happens to them. You friends knows very well you had sex and she wanted it as much as you did. Do your self a favor play far from her because it seems you are always going to be the messed up friend who have something to apologize for. I think you are better off without this relationship, if it is hard try it and see how less dramatic your life will be after you distance your self from her, take it as a challenge