Hopeless me?

Hi, I had to sign up somewhere for help and advice. If you really take the time to read this, I thank you. I feel like a ridiculous hopeless case. And I could use some solid understanding and feedback.

I think my issue became most apparent to me in high school. You see I was attractive to more girls than I realized at the time. Tall and handsome with good ethics and family upbringing. Yet I was so shy and unsure of myself. I didnt realize the girls I liked, liked me too until they gave up and poked fun at me for being so oblivious.

I eventually got caught up in drugs and alcohol and dropped out of HS and got addicted to opiates. Eventually it got so deep I shot heroin and coke for 6 years.

One time a carload of cute girls yelled "hey boy! Come here! Come talk to us!" I stopped, looked at the cute girls, then kept riding. To keep going to the pawnshop where I was going to get money for something stollen to buy heroin... :( that was 7 years ago. I also lost my virginity high on heroin with a decent girl but also addict who didnt care about anything but next hit.

6.5 years ago I joined a 2 year sober living facility. I got myself back and got my life back. I was the most fit ive ever been and had a good job making good money. The only issue I was having was I was not able to follow thru getting girls #'s when I should have. My problem isn't attracting them its that im so damn shy its like im barred from experiencing a relationship. Its torturous.

Well what happened eventually is I toke a buddies advice and settled for a young woman who was way below my standards. None the less it had been so long I treated her like a princess and fell for her hard. She didnt reciprocate or appreciate and that really hurt. She was also a bad influence and smoked pot and enjoyed beer frequently. Which didnt help me at all. But I was fooling myself and she helped me with all my years of highly pent up scorpio energy. I was pussy whipped but for good reason.

We were together for 2 years and had a lot of good times but also a lot of bad times. And overall the relationship took me backwards. I lost my physique, injured my back at work, had a nasty break up. My grandmother died, I totalled 2 vehicles and hurt my back worse. Tried to cut wrists didnt work, couldnt do it enough. Got counciling, helped a tiny bit. I dont have much family anymore to relate or talk with. Ever since I got clean I've had a hard time making friends also due to my social anxiety. My main outlet was working out, TaiKwonDo and mountain bicycling. All I can do now is walk and physical therapy because im scared of back surgery and the drugs.

Im so lonely and tired of it all its quite depressing sometimes. I feel like my youth is slipping away and feel misunderstood by family. My heart hurts and sinks.

Recently I had a tough let down. The world gave me yet another opportunity that I botched. I met a cool sweet girl about two months ago briefly. Two and a half weeks ago I bumped into her again at her work and it was very pleasant and warming. She was really happy to see me. Well I didnt stay to chat enough to get her #. As I walked away she yelled after me, "come back and see me again soon!". I said "yes definitely". It was obvious it was not work related and that she wanted to see me again. Well I went back twice and the first time she wasnt there. The second time I drove all the way there parked, then could'nt get out so just left feeling miserable. Thats pretty much the state im currently in! Now that its been a while I have no idea what to say to her if she asks where Ive been. If she even acknowledges me and doesn't think I blatently put her off for another girl or something.

To top it all off I think I've been reading up on too many articles about pollution and world issues.

Overall I am a loving person who respects himself, others, and the earth. I just want to heal and make good choices and have a good life. And it would be great to share that with someone if I could allow it.

I have tried taking little steps by practicing basic friendly interactions with every day people. The whole thing feels like I could just bust thru into my outgoing side sometimes but it doesnt happen..